Ghost Dad (1990), drunk review

Introduction, and go fuck yourself

A couple weeks ago we were challenged by Anomalous Host to find a film for him to review.  And he suggested, which is what we kicked off November with, Frankenstein & Me; some kind of a family film about a boy who wants to bring to life his own Frankenstein monster.  So we thought, “Wouldn’t it be a good if we picked something in a similar vane?  Like a family movie?  So we thought Hocus Pocus […]

[…]  We decided to throw Anomalous Host under the bus by instead requesting that he review Ghost Dad, starring Pills- pills, what pills?  Bill Cosby.

You miserable bastards.  Hocus Pocus would’ve been fucking perfect, especially with the news story out there about how many millennials are turning to witchcraft to fill the void of Christianity, which will eventually be overtaken by Islam who will lead the next wave of Salem Witch trials where they will stone witches and bitches to death.  Plus it would’ve given me an excuse to not just tackle that movie and virginity, but also tackle Nostalgia Chick, who is an obvious influence on you guys.  I’ve seen some of her videos, I’ve seen how some of her dialogue is mirrored by you guys.

Normally I’d want to do a dual review in a case like this, but I can’t do dual reviews while drunk anymore (last time I did that I binge drinked and watched Battle Royal 1 and 2, and that endeavor lasted me at least 6 fucking hours; and I’m not doing it!).  So I’ll save Hocus Pocus, and Frankenstein & Me, for another time (for all you readers, I recommend both films; fuck the haters, haters suck).  So it will just be this film.  And as you can tell from the title, I’m not going to be doing this fucking sober.  So fuck you guys for making be review a movie I probably can’t get through sober, fuck you for choosing it over Hocus Pocus, and triple-fuck-you for not reviewing Thankskilling 3 for Thanksgiving.  At this point, you fuckers deserve that movie.

And one last thing.  You didn’t throw me under any fucking bus.  I’m the one driving that motherfucker and running these flicks over myself (except for the decent ones I stop for to give a lift).  Because this film was released in April of 1990, which suits me just fine considering I needed to watch it for my next entry in my Nostalgia for the 90s series.  I guarantee that you hurt me more with that Combat Shock movie.

Edit (11-22-2018): Ok, I got that wrong.  Ghost Dad was released in June 1990.

PS: For those not familiar with my drunk reviews, these are reviews I pretty much type out in real-time, without bothering to correct too many typos when I catch them, and don’t really do much in post except add in some gifs and pics and vids.  Because I’m pretty sure some visual images are needed to make sense of the incoherent mess you’re about to witness.

The Review

Ghost Dad movie posters at movie poster warehouse ...

Rated: 2.5 / 5

Oh God.  Those Universal Studios intro clips.  I have a fondness for the last two, the ones from the 80s and early 90s.  It’s about as good as the original intro logos HBO used to have.

Wait a minute.  The director is Sidney Poitier?  THAT Sidney Poitier?  What the fuck?  This movie better be better than its reputation claims, or I’m going to be sad.  And I don’t wanna be fucking sad when I’m fucking drunk!  I wanna be either really happy or really pissed, and nothing else!

Strange way they did that title.

“Ok sweetie, it’s storytime.  Let’s see.  Where’d we leave off last night?”

“With me coming into the bedroom, feeling dizzy, and then passing out?”

“Ah, right.  So then I proceeded to–

Ok, the dialogue didn’t happen like that.  Goddamnit!  It’s so fucking hard to do this without bringing up a roofie and rape joke!

“Never, in the brilliant career of 300 years had the ghost been so grossly insulted.  So he decided to enter the twins room and give them a scare–“

Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves here?  Cosby isn’t dead yet.  I mean, I know it feels like he’s been around for 300 years, and I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the first time he snuck in to a room with passed out twin girls, but shouldn’t we wait a while before hitting him with the dead jokes?

Alright, I gotta stop with this.  No more rapist and roofie jokes, I promise.  Not unless this movie makes it too fucking easy to pass up on.

The daughter looks bored, heheh.  Oh, it’s because she’s listening to a cassette player of her dad reading her a story.  Well then fuck this guy.  I mean seriously, not only is he not there to tell her a bedtime story in person, but the recording doesn’t even do it for longer than 1 fucking minute!  Fuck this guy!

Now this movie just isn’t realistic.  It’s a black family with a single father?  Thought it was usually single moms that ran black families, with the dad ditching them when the family became too much of a pain in the ass for him.  On the other hand, the dad isn’t there much for the family anyway.  I take it back, this movie is a bit realistic.  I’m going to assume the mother died or something before he could walk out on them.

Goddamnit!  Just how much are they going to rub it in our face that this is a dad who puts his work far above his family?  We have the, “he’s too busy to tuck them into bed,” routine.  We have the, “he’s too busy to remember their birthday,” routine.  What’s next?  The, “Oh shit, I forgot to pick them up from school!” routine?  Or the important phone call that the kids interrupt routine? Come on, what do you have?

He forgets her fucking name!?!?  What the fuck, is she adopted or something?  Did he take her out of foster care when she was 15?  Does he have Alzheimer’s?  This is bullshit!

john wick hands

“You take out your own garbage?”

“Yes.”

“We pay people to do that for us.  Anyway, I wanted to show Danny my new bike.”

“You mean you have a new possession and you actually want to show it off?  That doesn’t sound like you Stewart.”

“Yeah.  You can’t get this kind without connections.  And, uh, it’s a lot faster than Danny’s.  But it should be, since it’s about, uh, twice as expensive.”

“You’re a Republican aren’t you?”

Man, they really try to get ya when you’re young don’t they?

“You are so funny?”

“Well I’m not that funny.”

So far, I agree.

Ok, what the hell?  I mean, I appreciate the tension with that elevator bit and all, but how the fuck is it that no one in the fucking building seems to be reacting to an elevator that just crashed from the top floor to the bottom floor?  Not that this is realistic anyway, because there’s other countermeasures elevators have (which is why it wouldn’t surprise me if some Final Destination movie did that somewhere; I stopped watching them after the 3rd one, so I wouldn’t know), but I’m trying to give the movie some fucking credit here.

“Eat shit.”

“Thanks.  I’m trying to quit.”

Ok, now that was a little funny.  I miss the days where they could drop the shit-bomb in kid-flicks.  You know, like the Monster Squad, or The Sandlot.

Someone’s been playing Crazy Taxi too much.  Oh wait, that didn’t exist yet.  Oh God, that means this is a legitimate maniac driving the taxi!  Aaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhh!!!

Ok, that was a decent bus effect.  Though that scene with the cop was just plain stupid.

I just started thinking, which is something I shouldn’t be doing for these reviews: what would make this movie more interesting?  If Patrick fucking Swayze showed up.  If that happened, we’d have one of the best ghost comedies of all time.

This doesn’t make any sense, this whole thing of him walking on solid surfaces, and then having trouble doing so when he’s in his home.  I mean seriously, is the floor ghost-proof or something?

Is that Legends of the Hidden Temple on the television?  No, it can’t be, that didn’t show up until 1993.  So what is this kids obstacle course show?  Seriously, I have a fascination for these things from the late 80s to the 90s.

Wait, so he can sit easily in his chair now!?  Ah fuck it.  Ghost movie logic.

Speaking of which, his kids can see him when the room is dark, but not when it’s lit up.  Hmmm.  Wonder if that would still happen if the ghost was a white guy?

Astonishing.  The film actually has it revealed early on to the children that their dad has become a ghost.  Usually films like these have 20 minutes of bullshit shenanigans before making that reveal, but this film just does it early on.  I’ll give it kudos for that.

Bhahahaha!  Ok, I’m not sure if this film was trying to be funny or not, but seeing his children celebrate that he’s a ghost is one of the funniest fucking things I’m probably ever going to see in films.  I seriously doubt this film is going to top this moment in terms of segments that made me laugh out loud.  But it’s exceeded my expectations a tad so far.

Heh, it’s also kinda funny hearing Cosby do that “ghost talk” in a manner only Cosby can do.

“Stick these on your forefingers.”

Oh my God, he’s giving him a Scientology test.

“I sensed a disturbance in the spirit ether.”

Oh, is that what they’re calling the Force now?

So it wasn’t the force Leia used to save herself in The Force Awakens.  It was spirit ether!

Aha!  I called it!  The wife died.

I’m actually liking this little twist on the ghost story.  How people can become ghosts because heaven “misplaced paperwork,” or something like that, so sometimes people stay on Earth temporarily in ghost form until heaven gets their shit together.

Whoah whoah whoah whaoh whoah!  A fucking lightsaber sound effect?  Alright, now I’m pissed that these motherfuckers refer to the Force as a “spirit ether.”  Hacks.  Fuck you.  And fuck Kathleen Kennedy too.

Ok, come on.  They’re dragging on the whole “Edith is a girl’s name” joke too much, and it wasn’t funny the first time.

Well, this actually has a decent heartfelt moment.  He has a good excuse for putting work over his children.  Because the wife died, he used up his life-insurance funds to try and help her, and mortgaged the house too to do the same.  He’s been trying to work hard and get enough funds to put himself and his family back on track.  Kudos again, for not making him a 2-dimensional “job first” character.

“I’m talking about the fact that I want to concentrate, and the view and the sunlight is distracting.”

“…  Ok, I’ll buy that one.”

Hah!  I could imagine that line being used a lot in the screenwriter’s room.

Health inspection for life insurance.  I just know this is going to contain some bullshit.  X-Ray portion: bullshit.  Checking your heartbeat: bullshit.  Bunch of incompetent doctors.  …  Then again…

Ok, come on.  Now this movie can’t decide if it wants to be a movie about a ghost or about an invisible man.

Lady attempting to have sex with the Bill Cosby ghost.  Come on, you can do this.  You can make it through without doing another rape/roofie joke.

Jesus, they are making that Stewart kid into a real (republican) dipshit.  Spoiled, semi-rich, blackmailer who has no intelligence (seriously, your plan is to blackmail an “alien”?  Why not tell Batman you’re planning to rob him while you’re at it?).  He does have one of those cool glowy phones though.

“Put the bitch on the phone!?  Put the bitch on the phone!?  The bitch!?”

Those 3 lines need to be put on a T-shirt.

Ahhhhhhh, Jesus.  All the shit that’s going on, and it’s going to pull the whole “kids are disappointed in their father at the end of the 2nd act” routine?  You know, I really shouldn’t be bitching about something like this, considering what I was expecting out of this movie.  But this film dared to show me some moments of potential to indicate that it could’ve been good.  But a combination of cliches and eye-rolling moments, and leaps in ghost logic (which I’m pretty sure means fuck-all to just about everyone except for me) just keeps bringing this film back down to the level I was expecting.  And that fucking pisses me off even more.  Come on movie, be good.  BE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDD!!!!!!!

Man.  So for the magic trick this kid is planning on doing.  A black kid has himself in a straitjacket, while wrapped around in chains, and locked in a magic box?  Good thing this isn’t the 1700s or someone would think he’s about to go up for auction.  That’s 1 of 2 reasons (though I’m sure there’s more) as to why the teacher shouldn’t allow this stunt to happen, but he does anyway.  I do like how much more lax the 90s were.

“How am I doing?”

“You’re getting an A.”

Perfect response!

How the hell did this guy from London track down Cosby’s location?  Ah fuck it, he’s got a lot of science shit that probably acts as a compass, and some computer tech, and all sorts of made up Star Trek bullshit that probably makes it logical somehow in this universe.

Fuck you for bringing up the “girls’ name” joke again.

So he’s not dead, but in some coma, where his spirit has temporarily left his body.  Whatever you say to give this a happy ending.

“Let’s check the riverbank!”

Bullshit!  Check the fucking hospital you dumbfucks!

Phahahahahahah!!!!!  Oh my– Hahahahahahahah!  Ooooohhhhh my God.  I take it back.  I thought them cheering when they learned he was a ghost was the funniest moment in the movie.  It’s not.  It’s when the daughter slips on the skates left by the dumb cunt littler daughter, rolls down the stairs, and somehow flies out far enough to smash into the television (or microwave) and stool.  I mean, I know it sounds fucked up to laugh at something like this.  But, Jesus Christ, that little build-up moment they had to this at the beginning of the film, and that it happened at that moment, and just how fucking far she had to fly from where the stairs were to smash into all that stuff.  I’m fucking dying here.  It was worth watching this movie just for that moment that brings me endless joy (well, maybe not endless; just for the next half hour or so).  I don’t care how shitty the rest of the film was, it was worth it just for that.

Oh, Jesus fuck!  That’s not how you carry a patient from one hospital bed to another!  You don’t pull on her fucking head!  Christ, as if this wasn’t funny enough.

Superfast recovery once the ghosts get back into their bodies.  Too fast, especially for the daughter who should be in a fucking neck brace right now.

Ok, this is also kinda funny.  Cosby finds that lunatic Satan-worshiping driver again (who somehow isn’t arrested by now), and basically tells him to commit suicide.  And he drives off, leaving the audience under the impression that’s exactly what he’s going to do.  Man, that’s got to be a first for a “family” movie.

And the movie ends just like that.  With Cosby happy, back from the dead, but jobless, poor, and likely to live a life with a minimum-wage job for the rest of his life, unable to support his children.  And he’s pissed off his rich Republican neighbor kid.  He’s fucked.

 

Conclusion

It’s honestly not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Aside from some swearing, some sexual innuendo, and convincing a lunatic to commit suicide, it’s not a half-bad family film.  On the other hand, families should loosen up a bit and let their children enjoy shit like this, because it’s not as if they aren’t going to here the words “shit” and “bitch” when they’re at school, or anywhere else for that matter.

Plus it has these two hilarious laugh-out-loud moments, one of which may be intentional, the other of which is definitely unintentional.

But I don’t think it was bad enough to qualify for a drunk review.  Couldn’t muster up anything that drunk-type-worthy for this film.  Ah, whatever.

In the Line of Duty IV (1989) drunk review

Post fucking-review rating: 3.5 / 5

Semi-Tangent Intro

“Well wait a minute, what about 1, 2, and 3?  Aren’t you going to review those?”

Not right now I’m not.

“Well shouldn’t you watch those first?”

Maybe, but I’m not going to.  I’ve heard from others that the first three aren’t as good as this one.  In fact, they get progressively worse as you regress through time from what I’ve heard.  On the one hand, I’ve never seen them, and don’t know anything about them other than they’re supposed to be Hong Kong martial arts flicks, so they could actually be worthwhile.  On the other hand, they’re fucking martial arts movies, so I don’t give a shit.   On the other hand, I promised to review this film if some mermaid named Samantha decided to watch and review that anime Dead Leaves, which she did (I promise I’m not high right now, that would cancel out the booze).

As far as I know, that’s like saying you should watch Ninja (starring Scott Adkins) before watching Ninja II: Shadow of a Tear (also starring Scott Adkins), when I can legitimately say that Ninja I is about as fucking dull as martial arts movies can get.  Pacing sucks, didn’t give a shit about the plot or the characters.  The only reason to watch the first one is to get a big laugh at this “sad” moment that happens in the first 20 minutes of Ninja 2.  Let me put it this way.  Throughout the entire first film, it’s all about this martial artist who fights to keep his girlfriend/fiance safe throughout the entire film, fighting off bad guys left and right, saving her ass countless times; even bringing her back from the verge of death near the end, and having a happy ending where they’re both lovey dovey.  Then the second film literally kills her off before the first act is over.  I was laughing my ass off when that happened, just knowing all he went through in the last film.  That’s the only reason to watch the first, to see firsthand all he did to keep her safe only for the sequel to shit all over that.  And I didn’t mind, because the action was way better (one of the better martial arts films out there, and one of the best Scott Adkins films in existence; fuck Expendables 2 for making him expendable by the way), the plot and characters were more interesting, and it’s an altogether more memorable film.

Plus I’m the kind of guy who likes eating his dessert first before getting through the bland main course.  On that note, I’ll be treating myself to my new favorite alcoholic beverage, Malibu Caribbean Rum With Coconut Liqueur throughout the runtime, and doing my usual typing/reviewing while simultaneously watching the film, proving to all the doubters that I can multitask, let alone proving that drunk people can multitask.  And if there’s any typos (likely more than usual), fuck it, they stay (but I will be inserting gifs/pics/vids in post-production, hopefully right after watching it while I still got a buz).  And in case you think this is too unhealthy, I’ve got that covered.  I vegged out an hour ago, eating my fill of broccoli and carrots.  It balances out, like eating a salad before taking on a ice cream sundae.

Alright, let’s see a young Donnie Yen beat the shit out of some punks.  And fair warning, I usually swear a lot more when I’m drunk, so… you’ve been warned.

 

Review *hic*

Alright, come the fuck on, do we have to see the MEdia Asia logo twice?  D & B sounds important… it’s Donnie & Breakdancing!

And… wait a minute… goddamnit, I guess I am too fucking drunk.  I downloaded the wrong fucking movie.  It’s the first Line of Duty, not the 4th one.  Hang on, let me find it and download it (gives me a chance to get even more drunk, I’m not fucked up enough; I get more intelligent the more drunk I get, assuming I don’t overdo it and spend the next 2 hours puking my guts out).  Ok, there it is.  Let’s try this again.

 

Fucking Review, Get It Right This Time, Take 2

Wait a goddamn minute!  Is this the same fucking movie!?  The title looks exactly the same!  Same fucking music, same fucking style of titles!  Am I losing my fucking mind here!?  Let me check back on the last motherfucking video.  Holy shit, I’m not losing my mind (well maybe I am, if these films keep pissing me off by being so similar during the first 2 fucking minutes), they are exactly the same.  Only difference is that the 4th movie has the number 4 stuck at the end of the title.  Who the fuck do these people think they are, Lucasfilms?  You’re not Star Wars and neither is your opening title credits.  This had better be fucking good.

Port of Seattle.  What the fuck?  Isn’t this supposed be in China?  Fuck it, who cares, just give me some action.

I’ve seen this chick somewhere before.  Must’ve been in some other Chinese flick from a long while back.

Hey!  There’s Donnie Yen!  Please tell me we’re going to get a male vs. female fight that’s a lot better than that shitty one from Ecks vs. Sever.

Uh… nothing is happening.  People staring and walking and day turning to night.  Boxes.  Van.  Hertz.

Fuck my life.  It’s not subtitled!  Now I gotta track down a version that does have subtitles!  Motherfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—!!!

Fu*hic*cking take 3, and fuck you if you laughed.

Well now that I’m rewatching this opening segment, I see that there’s some coke tasting going on amidst this walking around.

Oh Jesus.  I’m never going to be able to watch this film as intended am I?  It’s subtitled, but the subtitles are partially cut off, and they’re dubbing over the fucking Chinese language with some other shitty language other than English.  Ok, I’m going to improvise.  Play 2 back to back, mute one, so that I can lsiten to the original audio and watch this half-assed subtitle version.  Christ, the things I put myself through.  Fucking youtube.

Oh, wait, finally found a decent streaming site that actually has the movie in the original fucking dub with english fucking subtitles.  4th time had better be the fucking charm, that’s half the fucking number of seasons that series had.

 

Take 4, appropriate for the film’s title; eat a dick.

Sneaking around the transportation docks with some Hertz product placement.  Decent jumps.  Sneaky acrobatics.  Busted, or not.

“Make yourself at home, have a drink.”  Alright, now you’re talking my language; it’s universal you judgemental pricks.

Huh, I guess this is in Seatlle, with Chinese workers.  Illegal immigrant Chinese workers, one of which got his ID card (hey, at least he worked for it).

Whoop, smash through window.  The fuck?  These aren’t police.  Gangsters?  Loan sharks.  Chinese loan sharks.  You never fuck with Chinese loan sharks.  Unless you know karate apparently, then you can threaten them with screwdrivers (and no, I’m not talking about the drink).

Now, you see, why can’t Americans make fight scenes this good?  Holy fucking shit!  Wrench nunchucks?  Ok, now this movie is fucjing awesome!  Fuck sinks.

Ah, gambling debts.  What’s worse?  Loan sharks, or casino mercenaries?

Ok, are they just doing a fight scene for the hell of it now?  I guess not, there is this guy was was actually tailing her who she caught and fought off.  I thought it was some master-apprentice thing.  Ah, why should I care?  The action is good.

Seeing young Donnie Yen is almost like seeing young Keanu Reeves.  Put them in a movie together!

What the fuck movie!?  Why are you having Donnie Yen arrive at the scene of a beatdown crime after the beatdown is over?  That’s bullshit!  He should be kicking ass and taking names!  Whoop, I sit corrected, he did arrive in time to beat the fuck out of two guys no one gives a shit about.

Camera product placement.  Oh come on, since when does a loan officer ever succeed in arresting at least half a dozen guys?  It never happens.  Just let us see this guy die and get it over with.  Jesus, this film didn’t waste anytime fulfilling that wish.  That fucking idiot deserved to get capped too.  Had the gun aimed at him while he slowly reached for a shotgun, casually pulled it out, and blasted him.  What a fucking idiot.

Wait, he’s not dead yet?  Come on!  Ok, now he is, just in time to hand camera evidence over to some other guy who will get away.

Typical interrogation BS.  Seattle police, of course they speak Chinese.  Police brutality.

You know, this movie is stupid.  But it’s fun.  Of course some arrested guy in the interrogation room can beat up a corrupt cop, steal and wear his police uniform, and walk out of the station scott free.  Simple.

“America is a hard place to make money.  You’re better off in Hong Kong.”

Ok, that’s pure Chinese bullshit propaganda right there.  That’s only true if you’re a coporporate owner or something.

Why aren’t there any English speakers yet?  This is like if everyone spoke fucking English in that Tom Cruise movie The Last Samurai.

Bhahahah!  They tell him to freeze and he throws a loaf of bread at them!  I fucking love it!

For fuck’s sake, pick up the goddamn gun and use it against them.  But no, only the bad guys can use guns.  Some bullshit, I should be jacking off and watching Tiger on the Beat.

Yes!  A Donnie Yen fight!  Nice run across the roof of apartment buildings.  Budget product placement.  Fast scene transition.

Oh come on, you’re telling me Mr. Facial Hair can’t speak English either?  How many fucking Chinese speakers do they have in Seattle?  They must have as many Chinese speakers there as they have Mexicans in California!

Pfft!  What they hell was that?  That whole putting together a ripped in half dollar bill?  Oh for fuck’s sake.  The black guy speaks Chinese too?  In the slums?  I wanna see some Italian director make a spaghetti western in Africa and have them all speak Russian.

Ok, now I think they’re in China, so now they have an excuse to speak Chinese.  And they’ve got Chinese police who swarm around not doing any bullshit.  They don’t fuck around like Americans do.

Another Donnie Yen fight!  Bhahahahah!  His name is Donny!  I fucking love this movie!

“By running off, you’re innocence has turned to guilt.”  Tell that to Harrison Ford in The Fugitive.

It’s just nonstop action isn’t it?  Now they’ve hijacked an ambulance and used sleeping gas.  Except that one girl was smart enough to use an oxygen tank.  Nice stuntwork.  Holy Christ, this is really fucking good stuntwork!  And they’re playing Street Fighter music!  This is one of the greatest movies of all time!  Indiana Jones ain’t got shit on this girl!  Seriously, they’re ripping off Raiders of the Lost Ark here.  Well, almost.

Oh, God!  Now that’s brutal fucking torture.  Hands tied up, feet dangling on a giant ice slab in a freezer.  Tied up to an ice cube in a freezer.  That’s brutal shit.  Oh God!  Now they spray him with water while he’s in the freezer!

Oh come on, that’s fucking lame!  There’s no way they shoudl’ve gotten out of that!

Ooooooohhhhhh.  Ok, a double-cross.  Well now the escape isn’t fucking lame.

It’s the Chinese police.  Whoop Whoop!  It’s the sound of the beats (your ass all the way to Chinatown).  Whoop whoop!

Hey, what happened to Donny?  I know Yeung is more of the star here (next to this other guy who no one will remember after this movie ends, though he’s not half bad with the martial arts), but still.

Oh shit!  Plot twist, Donnie Yen is his mother!  Ahahahahah!  Ok, so she’s in the kitchen, it would’ve been better (and made more sense) if Donny was his mother.  With parental abuse and everything.  “How dare you criticize my cooking!  Take this karate chop!”  *whack!*  “Not eat my Chinese noodles!?”  *kwack!*  “Holy Long Wang Batman!”  *Bam!*  Handcuffed dumpling eating.  *slap!*

Fuck’s sake, they’re doing this bumbshit romance angle?  She’s too good for this guy, even if he is a wrongly accused martial artist, whose a blue-collar lifter.

Donny says, “I’m a policeman from America.”  Right, and I’m a photographer from India.

Holy shit!  Did the main blue-collar Chinese protagonist just die?  What the fuck!?  Is Donny holding a mannequin?  Where the fuck did that come from?  Why the fuck is he carrying it?  How is the protagonist still alive after taking a chest shot?  Don’t tell me Donny is going to die?  Oh yeah, look up after Donnie fell down, ’cause that’s where Donny went 1 second later.  Huh, decent hiding spot in all honesty.  What about the mannequin?

Weirdo fight.  Mind game fight.  Decent.  The sounds this guy made though…

Blah blah, fell sorry for chest-shot protagonist and emotion philosopy moral lesson on compassion, blah blah, don’t act cool– what!?  Donny not act cool?  Fuck you lady!

“Both of you are responsible for his life.”  Let me correct that.  “Both of you are irrestponsible for his life.”

US navy seal pentagon with connection to the U.S. pentagon?  Man, this film really does have it out for Americans doesn’t it?  While ripping off their films.  Seriously, there’s some Lethal Weapon vibes I’m getting now.

More police brutality.  And the American dies.  Well, he was an asshole anyway.

Car bomb.  Psych!  Hospital ambush.  Psych!  It’s just a nurse.  Psych!

God Cynthia Khan and Donnie Yen make a great duo.  Now I want to see the rest of these films, assuming both are in them.

Donnie Yen and his feels.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”  What the hell?  You didn’t call her a bitch or a woman yet (’cause the latter would be offensive, obviously).  She just said you were thinking that!  This is… ghah!

“Hey, foul mouth!”  Yes?

Side-note: Have to admit, Malibu rum tastes better when it’s not chilled, unlike vodka (the latter tastes shitty no matter what temperature you drink it at; try sake, it’s great whethere it’s chilled, hot, or lukewarm).

“Yes sir.”  Holy motherfucking shitballs!  They spoke English!  It’s a mirale!

Shootout drug-bust (pity we don’t see the other kind of bust).

Yes!  One of those great so-bad-it’s-good deaths only asian martial arts flicks can produce!  You know, the kind where they seem to be writhing in pain and agony, then fall limp-dick dead less than a split-second later.  I never get tired of seeing that shit, because there’s no way I can’t laugh at it.

Catfight!  Kick to the tits!  Holy shit, this fight is the best thing since the ambulance fight!

Hah!  Donny’s instinct to being waken up suddenly.  Wake up swinging!  God I love this movie!

Hah!  Black dude in a granny outfit!  God I love this movie!  Delayed kick-to-face reaction.

Donny makes drinking tea look cool.

Ok, I’ll admit, this criticism of America is warranted here.  Bashing the CIA for selling drugs to South America.  But this isn’t exactly a deep movie.  It’s just one more excuse to have another fight scene.

Oh, what the hell?  Why in the holy mother of all fucks is there an axe sticking out of a tree next to a public street?  This makes no goddamn sense.

Oh God yes!  A motorcycle fight!  A motorcycle shovel vs. sledgehammer fight!  Now I know there’s a God!

So now they’re on the run from the police because that asshole says they’re criminals?  I’m not even sure how the fuck he convinced them to do that (get the police to treat them as criminals that is).

Oh.  Oooohhhh! I sense a finale!  And there’s a giant fuck-off American flag that you just know is going to get desecrated somehow.

Ok, this is a first.  A tape cassette that’s also a bomb.  Points for originality on that one.

Final fight, 3 on 3.  Coke advertisement.

Typical bullshit.  Good guys take a beating, feign pain and suffering, then take the bad guys out with a Van Damme comeback like it was nothing, without giving the villains a chance to feign pain.  At least the villain chick earlier had that going for her, even if she lost and got the shit kicked out of her.

Donnie Yen vs. big black musclecakes.  This fight is actually pretty damn good too.  There’s a few really great fights in this movie.

How the hell did that last gunshot work?  Ah, whatever.

Yep, called it, flag desecration.  Would like to see America do something like that to the Chinese (or Russian, or Korean) flag.

And it’s over.

Double watch?

 

Fucking Conclusion

This movie is fun.

 

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Fifty Shades Freed (2018) review (April drunken Fools edition)

Rated: Take a fucking guess.

Been a while since I’ve done this, but it’s been a regular thing with each Fifty Shades of Butt-Fucking film that’s come out over the past couple years, so I mine as well as finish it all the way to the climax.  Climax, something none of these films have ever gotten me to do.  Because not only are the sex scenes sissy shit, they have been getting less and less enticing with each passing film.  Hopefully this one will be better, but if not, I fucking swear I’m putting up porn gifs/pics on this blog entry.  One way or another, I’m getting a fucking climax (hey, maybe you will too).  You’ve been warned.

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Oh, and there better be ass-slapping in this like there was in the last 2 films.  And there better be some unintentional hilarity (which the first film provided, the second film far less so).  If not, I’m going to throw a bitch-fit.  Oh, who am I kidding, it’s a drunk review; bitch-fits are inevitable.

What this review is rated, though I can’t swear to the film containing incest and rape.  But who knows, I might just improvise on that.
Just in cases you needed 1 more warning in case it wasn’t clear.

Review

That’s right.  Like Twilight, these dipshits gotta get married.  Now consummate the fucking thing!

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Fifty Shades Darker, a drunk review


Rated: 1/5

What you’re in for.

Been playing nice for too long. I need a film to piss me off.

Fifty Shades Darker. Guess that means this will be darker than the last film. Kinda wish they named this Fifty Shades of Blue or something, that way it would be easier to make immature sex jokes, like Fifty Shades of Blue Me, as in blow me. If this film doesn’t have people getting blown in it, in the sexual way, I’m going to get pissed and start watching some actual honest-to-God porn. If this film pisses me off enough, I might lose my cool and actually post porn on this blog page.

And there had also be plenty of ass-slapping like in the last film.

Like every drunk review I do, I’ll be typing my responses in real-time while the movie plays, as opposed to pondering the film when it ends and then writing a review. Because honestly, why the fuck would anyone want to ponder a film like this?

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Drunk review: 50 Shades of Grey

Sober Rating: 1/5
Drunk Rating: 4/5

Introduction

Yes, you read the title right. Drunk review. What’s a drunk review in this case? Well I down a drink or two before the movie starts, then start watching the movie, and typing my thoughts down on it in real-time (occasionally pausing the movie if I have to write a lot, which is often, which tends to double the length, pleasure, and fun. Or misery, depending on how I take it. I consider those last two sentences to have better written satirical sex puns than the entirety of this fucking movie.

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