Post fucking-review rating: 3.5 / 5

Semi-Tangent Intro

“Well wait a minute, what about 1, 2, and 3?  Aren’t you going to review those?”

Not right now I’m not.

“Well shouldn’t you watch those first?”

Maybe, but I’m not going to.  I’ve heard from others that the first three aren’t as good as this one.  In fact, they get progressively worse as you regress through time from what I’ve heard.  On the one hand, I’ve never seen them, and don’t know anything about them other than they’re supposed to be Hong Kong martial arts flicks, so they could actually be worthwhile.  On the other hand, they’re fucking martial arts movies, so I don’t give a shit.   On the other hand, I promised to review this film if some mermaid named Samantha decided to watch and review that anime Dead Leaves, which she did (I promise I’m not high right now, that would cancel out the booze).

As far as I know, that’s like saying you should watch Ninja (starring Scott Adkins) before watching Ninja II: Shadow of a Tear (also starring Scott Adkins), when I can legitimately say that Ninja I is about as fucking dull as martial arts movies can get.  Pacing sucks, didn’t give a shit about the plot or the characters.  The only reason to watch the first one is to get a big laugh at this “sad” moment that happens in the first 20 minutes of Ninja 2.  Let me put it this way.  Throughout the entire first film, it’s all about this martial artist who fights to keep his girlfriend/fiance safe throughout the entire film, fighting off bad guys left and right, saving her ass countless times; even bringing her back from the verge of death near the end, and having a happy ending where they’re both lovey dovey.  Then the second film literally kills her off before the first act is over.  I was laughing my ass off when that happened, just knowing all he went through in the last film.  That’s the only reason to watch the first, to see firsthand all he did to keep her safe only for the sequel to shit all over that.  And I didn’t mind, because the action was way better (one of the better martial arts films out there, and one of the best Scott Adkins films in existence; fuck Expendables 2 for making him expendable by the way), the plot and characters were more interesting, and it’s an altogether more memorable film.

Plus I’m the kind of guy who likes eating his dessert first before getting through the bland main course.  On that note, I’ll be treating myself to my new favorite alcoholic beverage, Malibu Caribbean Rum With Coconut Liqueur throughout the runtime, and doing my usual typing/reviewing while simultaneously watching the film, proving to all the doubters that I can multitask, let alone proving that drunk people can multitask.  And if there’s any typos (likely more than usual), fuck it, they stay (but I will be inserting gifs/pics/vids in post-production, hopefully right after watching it while I still got a buz).  And in case you think this is too unhealthy, I’ve got that covered.  I vegged out an hour ago, eating my fill of broccoli and carrots.  It balances out, like eating a salad before taking on a ice cream sundae.

Alright, let’s see a young Donnie Yen beat the shit out of some punks.  And fair warning, I usually swear a lot more when I’m drunk, so… you’ve been warned.

 

Review *hic*

Alright, come the fuck on, do we have to see the MEdia Asia logo twice?  D & B sounds important… it’s Donnie & Breakdancing!

And… wait a minute… goddamnit, I guess I am too fucking drunk.  I downloaded the wrong fucking movie.  It’s the first Line of Duty, not the 4th one.  Hang on, let me find it and download it (gives me a chance to get even more drunk, I’m not fucked up enough; I get more intelligent the more drunk I get, assuming I don’t overdo it and spend the next 2 hours puking my guts out).  Ok, there it is.  Let’s try this again.

 

Fucking Review, Get It Right This Time, Take 2

Wait a goddamn minute!  Is this the same fucking movie!?  The title looks exactly the same!  Same fucking music, same fucking style of titles!  Am I losing my fucking mind here!?  Let me check back on the last motherfucking video.  Holy shit, I’m not losing my mind (well maybe I am, if these films keep pissing me off by being so similar during the first 2 fucking minutes), they are exactly the same.  Only difference is that the 4th movie has the number 4 stuck at the end of the title.  Who the fuck do these people think they are, Lucasfilms?  You’re not Star Wars and neither is your opening title credits.  This had better be fucking good.

Port of Seattle.  What the fuck?  Isn’t this supposed be in China?  Fuck it, who cares, just give me some action.

I’ve seen this chick somewhere before.  Must’ve been in some other Chinese flick from a long while back.

Hey!  There’s Donnie Yen!  Please tell me we’re going to get a male vs. female fight that’s a lot better than that shitty one from Ecks vs. Sever.

Uh… nothing is happening.  People staring and walking and day turning to night.  Boxes.  Van.  Hertz.

Fuck my life.  It’s not subtitled!  Now I gotta track down a version that does have subtitles!  Motherfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—!!!

Fu*hic*cking take 3, and fuck you if you laughed.

Well now that I’m rewatching this opening segment, I see that there’s some coke tasting going on amidst this walking around.

Oh Jesus.  I’m never going to be able to watch this film as intended am I?  It’s subtitled, but the subtitles are partially cut off, and they’re dubbing over the fucking Chinese language with some other shitty language other than English.  Ok, I’m going to improvise.  Play 2 back to back, mute one, so that I can lsiten to the original audio and watch this half-assed subtitle version.  Christ, the things I put myself through.  Fucking youtube.

Oh, wait, finally found a decent streaming site that actually has the movie in the original fucking dub with english fucking subtitles.  4th time had better be the fucking charm, that’s half the fucking number of seasons that series had.

 

Take 4, appropriate for the film’s title; eat a dick.

Sneaking around the transportation docks with some Hertz product placement.  Decent jumps.  Sneaky acrobatics.  Busted, or not.

“Make yourself at home, have a drink.”  Alright, now you’re talking my language; it’s universal you judgemental pricks.

Huh, I guess this is in Seatlle, with Chinese workers.  Illegal immigrant Chinese workers, one of which got his ID card (hey, at least he worked for it).

Whoop, smash through window.  The fuck?  These aren’t police.  Gangsters?  Loan sharks.  Chinese loan sharks.  You never fuck with Chinese loan sharks.  Unless you know karate apparently, then you can threaten them with screwdrivers (and no, I’m not talking about the drink).

Now, you see, why can’t Americans make fight scenes this good?  Holy fucking shit!  Wrench nunchucks?  Ok, now this movie is fucjing awesome!  Fuck sinks.

Ah, gambling debts.  What’s worse?  Loan sharks, or casino mercenaries?

Ok, are they just doing a fight scene for the hell of it now?  I guess not, there is this guy was was actually tailing her who she caught and fought off.  I thought it was some master-apprentice thing.  Ah, why should I care?  The action is good.

Seeing young Donnie Yen is almost like seeing young Keanu Reeves.  Put them in a movie together!

What the fuck movie!?  Why are you having Donnie Yen arrive at the scene of a beatdown crime after the beatdown is over?  That’s bullshit!  He should be kicking ass and taking names!  Whoop, I sit corrected, he did arrive in time to beat the fuck out of two guys no one gives a shit about.

Camera product placement.  Oh come on, since when does a loan officer ever succeed in arresting at least half a dozen guys?  It never happens.  Just let us see this guy die and get it over with.  Jesus, this film didn’t waste anytime fulfilling that wish.  That fucking idiot deserved to get capped too.  Had the gun aimed at him while he slowly reached for a shotgun, casually pulled it out, and blasted him.  What a fucking idiot.

Wait, he’s not dead yet?  Come on!  Ok, now he is, just in time to hand camera evidence over to some other guy who will get away.

Typical interrogation BS.  Seattle police, of course they speak Chinese.  Police brutality.

You know, this movie is stupid.  But it’s fun.  Of course some arrested guy in the interrogation room can beat up a corrupt cop, steal and wear his police uniform, and walk out of the station scott free.  Simple.

“America is a hard place to make money.  You’re better off in Hong Kong.”

Ok, that’s pure Chinese bullshit propaganda right there.  That’s only true if you’re a coporporate owner or something.

Why aren’t there any English speakers yet?  This is like if everyone spoke fucking English in that Tom Cruise movie The Last Samurai.

Bhahahah!  They tell him to freeze and he throws a loaf of bread at them!  I fucking love it!

For fuck’s sake, pick up the goddamn gun and use it against them.  But no, only the bad guys can use guns.  Some bullshit, I should be jacking off and watching Tiger on the Beat.

Yes!  A Donnie Yen fight!  Nice run across the roof of apartment buildings.  Budget product placement.  Fast scene transition.

Oh come on, you’re telling me Mr. Facial Hair can’t speak English either?  How many fucking Chinese speakers do they have in Seattle?  They must have as many Chinese speakers there as they have Mexicans in California!

Pfft!  What they hell was that?  That whole putting together a ripped in half dollar bill?  Oh for fuck’s sake.  The black guy speaks Chinese too?  In the slums?  I wanna see some Italian director make a spaghetti western in Africa and have them all speak Russian.

Ok, now I think they’re in China, so now they have an excuse to speak Chinese.  And they’ve got Chinese police who swarm around not doing any bullshit.  They don’t fuck around like Americans do.

Another Donnie Yen fight!  Bhahahahah!  His name is Donny!  I fucking love this movie!

“By running off, you’re innocence has turned to guilt.”  Tell that to Harrison Ford in The Fugitive.

It’s just nonstop action isn’t it?  Now they’ve hijacked an ambulance and used sleeping gas.  Except that one girl was smart enough to use an oxygen tank.  Nice stuntwork.  Holy Christ, this is really fucking good stuntwork!  And they’re playing Street Fighter music!  This is one of the greatest movies of all time!  Indiana Jones ain’t got shit on this girl!  Seriously, they’re ripping off Raiders of the Lost Ark here.  Well, almost.

Oh, God!  Now that’s brutal fucking torture.  Hands tied up, feet dangling on a giant ice slab in a freezer.  Tied up to an ice cube in a freezer.  That’s brutal shit.  Oh God!  Now they spray him with water while he’s in the freezer!

Oh come on, that’s fucking lame!  There’s no way they shoudl’ve gotten out of that!

Ooooooohhhhhh.  Ok, a double-cross.  Well now the escape isn’t fucking lame.

It’s the Chinese police.  Whoop Whoop!  It’s the sound of the beats (your ass all the way to Chinatown).  Whoop whoop!

Hey, what happened to Donny?  I know Yeung is more of the star here (next to this other guy who no one will remember after this movie ends, though he’s not half bad with the martial arts), but still.

Oh shit!  Plot twist, Donnie Yen is his mother!  Ahahahahah!  Ok, so she’s in the kitchen, it would’ve been better (and made more sense) if Donny was his mother.  With parental abuse and everything.  “How dare you criticize my cooking!  Take this karate chop!”  *whack!*  “Not eat my Chinese noodles!?”  *kwack!*  “Holy Long Wang Batman!”  *Bam!*  Handcuffed dumpling eating.  *slap!*

Fuck’s sake, they’re doing this bumbshit romance angle?  She’s too good for this guy, even if he is a wrongly accused martial artist, whose a blue-collar lifter.

Donny says, “I’m a policeman from America.”  Right, and I’m a photographer from India.

Holy shit!  Did the main blue-collar Chinese protagonist just die?  What the fuck!?  Is Donny holding a mannequin?  Where the fuck did that come from?  Why the fuck is he carrying it?  How is the protagonist still alive after taking a chest shot?  Don’t tell me Donny is going to die?  Oh yeah, look up after Donnie fell down, ’cause that’s where Donny went 1 second later.  Huh, decent hiding spot in all honesty.  What about the mannequin?

Weirdo fight.  Mind game fight.  Decent.  The sounds this guy made though…

Blah blah, fell sorry for chest-shot protagonist and emotion philosopy moral lesson on compassion, blah blah, don’t act cool– what!?  Donny not act cool?  Fuck you lady!

“Both of you are responsible for his life.”  Let me correct that.  “Both of you are irrestponsible for his life.”

US navy seal pentagon with connection to the U.S. pentagon?  Man, this film really does have it out for Americans doesn’t it?  While ripping off their films.  Seriously, there’s some Lethal Weapon vibes I’m getting now.

More police brutality.  And the American dies.  Well, he was an asshole anyway.

Car bomb.  Psych!  Hospital ambush.  Psych!  It’s just a nurse.  Psych!

God Cynthia Khan and Donnie Yen make a great duo.  Now I want to see the rest of these films, assuming both are in them.

Donnie Yen and his feels.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”  What the hell?  You didn’t call her a bitch or a woman yet (’cause the latter would be offensive, obviously).  She just said you were thinking that!  This is… ghah!

“Hey, foul mouth!”  Yes?

Side-note: Have to admit, Malibu rum tastes better when it’s not chilled, unlike vodka (the latter tastes shitty no matter what temperature you drink it at; try sake, it’s great whethere it’s chilled, hot, or lukewarm).

“Yes sir.”  Holy motherfucking shitballs!  They spoke English!  It’s a mirale!

Shootout drug-bust (pity we don’t see the other kind of bust).

Yes!  One of those great so-bad-it’s-good deaths only asian martial arts flicks can produce!  You know, the kind where they seem to be writhing in pain and agony, then fall limp-dick dead less than a split-second later.  I never get tired of seeing that shit, because there’s no way I can’t laugh at it.

Catfight!  Kick to the tits!  Holy shit, this fight is the best thing since the ambulance fight!

Hah!  Donny’s instinct to being waken up suddenly.  Wake up swinging!  God I love this movie!

Hah!  Black dude in a granny outfit!  God I love this movie!  Delayed kick-to-face reaction.

Donny makes drinking tea look cool.

Ok, I’ll admit, this criticism of America is warranted here.  Bashing the CIA for selling drugs to South America.  But this isn’t exactly a deep movie.  It’s just one more excuse to have another fight scene.

Oh, what the hell?  Why in the holy mother of all fucks is there an axe sticking out of a tree next to a public street?  This makes no goddamn sense.

Oh God yes!  A motorcycle fight!  A motorcycle shovel vs. sledgehammer fight!  Now I know there’s a God!

So now they’re on the run from the police because that asshole says they’re criminals?  I’m not even sure how the fuck he convinced them to do that (get the police to treat them as criminals that is).

Oh.  Oooohhhh! I sense a finale!  And there’s a giant fuck-off American flag that you just know is going to get desecrated somehow.

Ok, this is a first.  A tape cassette that’s also a bomb.  Points for originality on that one.

Final fight, 3 on 3.  Coke advertisement.

Typical bullshit.  Good guys take a beating, feign pain and suffering, then take the bad guys out with a Van Damme comeback like it was nothing, without giving the villains a chance to feign pain.  At least the villain chick earlier had that going for her, even if she lost and got the shit kicked out of her.

Donnie Yen vs. big black musclecakes.  This fight is actually pretty damn good too.  There’s a few really great fights in this movie.

How the hell did that last gunshot work?  Ah, whatever.

Yep, called it, flag desecration.  Would like to see America do something like that to the Chinese (or Russian, or Korean) flag.

And it’s over.

Double watch?

 

Fucking Conclusion

This movie is fun.