Sonic, and Zombies, and Sexhogs, oh my!

So for those of you who thought I was going to review some classic horror film for the Halloween season, something like John Carpenter’s Halloween, or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Puppet Master, etc, think again.  That’s too typical, and you’ve likely seen those films already (though that doesn’t mean I won’t review them sometime down the road).  Oh no, fuck that traditional bullshit, I’m reviewing Sonic the Hedgehog stuff that can be considered Halloween-ish.  And best of all, they can all be seen, for free, on buttfucking YouTube (I hate that site with their goddamn censorship and liberal bias, but they have the most content, so…).

So as you can tell by the title, this is going to be a Sonic Halloween theme.  Now, there is technically a Sonic movie, made in the 90s, and it’s just so-so yet faithful to the feel of the games (which is more than I can say for the Super Mario Bros. movie, so those plumbers can keep sucking dick the way they suck Mario golf balls through a drainpipe for all I care).  But that’s not what I’m reviewing today.  Why?  Because it’s Halloween, and I found this web-series far more entertaining than any other Sonic product as of late.

But first, an appetizer.

Entry #1: Sonic: Night of the Werehog

So it’s ok for what it is.  Basically a glorified promotion for the game Sonic: Unleashed, which I heard was just a so-so game.  Haven’t been too interested in Sonic games since Sonic Adventure 2 (though I’m eventually going to have to give Sonic Mania a shot).  So Sonic and some pincushion I’ve never seen or heard of outside of this film explore a haunted mansion for some reason.  Probably for the adventure of it all, hence why 2 kids arrive earlier just to see if there is anything scary there.  Turns out there is, 2 ghosts with a camera trying to take picture of the victims they scare for the sake of gaining the adoration of this ghost princess.

So when sonic and the adorable pincushion wimp show up, guess who the ghosts decide to target for the scares first?  The fuzzy one obviously.

Fuck jump scares, they’re only useful for parody montages like this if they aren’t going to be a rare occurrence.

They waste no effort in taking every opportunity to scare the ever-loving-shit out of this pink furball that only exists to be adorable when it is scared, or not scared, so obviously I felt no sympathy for this thing when all this started happening to it.  Hell, not even Sonic gave a shit (just wait for the ending, even the creators didn’t give a shit).  This pleases ghost princess, but she becomes dissatisfied when the ghosts fail to scare Sonic himself.  So they attempt to challenge/scare him, but for some reason, out of the blue, with no explanation given other than the presence of the full moon, sonic transforms into a fucking werewolf, er, werehog!

So awesome it’s taunting Zack Snyder to adapt this into a full-length feature film.

So Sonic the Werehog and these ghosts duke it out in an amusing but not entirely fulfilling fight (I mean, when the entire film is only 11 minutes long, what do you expect?), Sonic eventually wins, and then proceeds to leave the mansion with his fuzzball buddy.  However, the ghost princess has taken a liking to Sonic (as foreshadowed by her liking for pictures of people being scared shitless decorating one side of her room, and images of werewolves decorating the other side of her room), and decides to go with him, and get the last picture with him.  She does this by impersonating Sonic’s fuzzball friend.

Which is nice and all, Sonic getting the girl and walking off into the sunrise (and for some reason staying as a werehog, later getting very very frisky and having hardcore animal sex with the ghost; I’ll let your imaginations run wild as to how fucked up that’s going to be; there’s a reason I went there).  But then wait a minute–  What the hell happened to Sonic’s fuzzball friend?  Oh, he got kidnapped and tied up by the ghost princess and left to his fate with the other ghosts in the mansion.  Jesus Christ, I think that’s more fucked up than the sexhog sex.

 

 

Alright, warmup’s over.  Let’s get into this.  It’s the Sonic Zombie series created by Balena Productions.

 

 

Entry #2: Sonic Zombie Origins (part 1 of 7 in the Sonic Zombie series)

First off, the image still above for the preview of this episode used to be a tad bit different, actually showing Sonic groping Rogue’s boobs as opposed to being off to the side.  Fucking YouTube.

Anyway, as you’ll tell within the first second (let alone the first minute) of this video, this is not made professionally.  Far from it.  It’s amateur, rough around the edges, and damn proud of it.  None of the characters are loyal to their videogame counterparts, and Sonic drives a hummer rather than run around like the speed freak he is (supposed to be).  Tails is an illegal immigrant Mexican who is obsessed (demonically) with tacos, Knuckles is an Eddie Murphy gangster, Shadow is something, Amy is obsessed with Sonic (“Sonic, will you make me a woman?”), the bunny sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger (and no I couldn’t spell that right without looking it up), Rogue can fight and has boobs, and Sonic is a douche bag.  And this group of seven make up our main characters for this series.  Some would live, some would die and then come back to life again.

And in this episode, everyone gets together for Christmas, while zombies from Half-Life show up in Garry’s Mod to fuck up their festive gathering.

So they go all Night of the Living Dead and start barricading themselves into their house.

Meanwhile Eddie Knuckles gets bitten and starts hallucinating Mike Myers.

Eventually they have to leave the house and get to the airport to try and get away, until a giant fuck-off alien-saurus shows up, and they all seem doomed.  But Sonic knows that there is one thing that can save them all.  Rogue’s boobs!

No she isn’t planning on beating the monster to death with her tits (though I would absolutely love to see her try).  Oh no.  Sonic can go supersonic by feeling up a girl’s boobs.

Anyway, it’s at this point you should know what you’re in for.  This series is stupid, ridiculous, makes up the rules as it goes along, immoral, sacrilege to the Sonic lore (more-so than any official game-to-film adaptation ever made).  And I fucking love it.  It’s so ridiculous and immature and creative that I’ve gotta laugh at it.  It’s seems like it’s written by a 10 year old and narrated by someone with the same mindset and this allows for just about anything to happen.  So many memorable moments, especially the stereotypes.  And this series is just getting started.

 

Entry #3: Sonic Zombie Vengeance (part 2 of 7 in the Sonic Zombie series)

While this may be part to, there are some mini-episodes that I like to call 1a, 1b, and 1c that bridge the gap between these two videos.  Dumb shit happens in them, as usual, and it’s not going to make any more sense of the plot, so it’s up to you if you want to take a look into those.  As for this particular episode, the main highlight of this one is that the werehog makes an appearance, and so does Dr. Robotnik (aka Eggman).  Except the werehog is a sexhog, and Robotnik is Robo-fat-fat-fat-fucknik (and he’s Russian).  And the thing about sexhogs, aside from being bigger badder and stronger that a hedgehog, they are also a lot friskier.  So they basically want to have sex with anything.  So Sonic the Sexhog ends up fucking Robofatfucknik to death.  Seriously, that happens.

And since the sexhog is horny as fuck, you know what that means…

While not as overall hilarious as the previous episode, what it lacks in quanitity it makes up for in quality (sort of).

 

 

 

 

Entry #4: Sonic Zombie in Space (part 3 of 7 in the Sonic Zombie series)

And like most horror franchises, this eventually went into space.  And there is a fabulous payoff to the sexhog here.  But first, after they go to space, they land on a space station that has clones of all our main characters.  They all eventually get loose, and the Shadow clone has a time with Rogue.

Yep, it went there.

And then Sonic and Robofatfucknik get into a lightsaber duel (oh this is awesome).

And the sexhog clones rape each other.

There’s other things that happen, but I wouldn’t want to spoil everything now would I?

 

 

 

 

 

Entry #5: Sonic Zombie the Finale (part 6 of 7 in the Sonic Zombie series)

Final entry (except the one video that comes after this).  And yeah, I’m skipping several videos to get to this one.  Go watch the rest of the damn videos if you want to know what’s in them.  And, uh, I’d rather just have the images do the talking.

 

 

Overall

So this is an entertaining series where the entertainment spawns partly from the “no fucks given” attitude of how cheaply this is made, and how virtually every character is a (racial) stereotype of someone, has some fabulous over-the-top moments, and some legit moments of well-thought-out humor.  Plus, even if it’s not loyal to the Sonic franchise at all, it’s certainly something I would choose over Sonic Boom (fuck that show).  It’s not for everyone, but you have to at least try out the first 10 minutes of episode 1 just to see if it’s your thing or not.

This isn’t exactly a franchise I can go deep into with its themes and characters and stuff.  Because, well, do you really think that’s even possible after all the shit you’ve just seen?  It’s just something with events/lines/images that you can point and laugh at, so the best I can do is just show some highlights.

Plus it’s somewhat inspiring to see that something like this can be made with Garry’s Mod, and makes one wonder of the potential for other mods for games.

 

 

 

Epilogue

Ok, so on a serious note for a moment, there’s a reason I haven’t been reviewing new theatrical releases lately.  For one, the films largely don’t interest me all that much.

“But they interest us goddamnit!  We want to hear your opinions!  Review them!” you may shout at me, to which I’ll reply, “Then donate to me on Paypal or Patreon goddamnit!”

For another, and this is the big one, is this whole Weinstein scandal.  The scandal is bad enough, but what finally sent me over the edge is Corey Feldmen’s video and his plea for funds not just for a budget to make his own biography film, but also for his protection and funds for his legal battles.

This got to me.  So I’ve put forth some funds for him.  If you guys/gals want to do the same, go for it.  If not, fine, I’m not holding anything against you.  Just thought you should be aware.

It’s just seeing how much Hollywood is cracking down on (former) child actors and silencing others and doing all this despicable shit, it makes me less willing than ever to put forth money to watch their stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to be reviewing films, but it’s more likely going to be films that aren’t “New Releases.”  I’ll still likely wind up reviewing some film where some actor/actress was exploited, but avoiding it isn’t exactly going to change what’s already been done.

I’m probably not being entirely rational about this, but it’s currently the only thing I can think of right now as an appropriate reaction to all this.  It’s infuriating, because I love film.  I love entertainment.  And I hate being deprived of it about as much as I hate seeing others suffer for it.  To go further into the irrational side of things, my next review is going to be on a very controversial film that you’ve probably never heard of that you’ll likely only be able to see on a porn site.  Gives me an excuse to bring this up again while the IndieGoGo campaign is still going.

 

 

Let’s Play the Google Bias Game! (1)

Alright, who’s up for a game where you find out how biased the search engines are?  It’s easy, as you’ll see.

For this entry, you just need to do 2 different searches.  Image searches.  Type in “white couple”, and see how many images pop up of a white couple.  Then type in “black couple”, and see how many images of a black couple show up.

Bing results of “white couple” image search:

Actual white couple count: 28/30 (including 1 gay couple with a black baby, and 1 lesbian couple)
93% accuracy

DuckDuckGo results of “white couple” image search:

Actual white couple count: 43/53
85% accuracy

Google results of “white couple” image search:

Actual white couple count: 27/40 (including an image of Trump and Hillary, and some woman going to prison [doesn’t have to do with a “couple”])
68% accuracy

 

 

Bing results of “black couple” image search:

Actual black couple count: 30/30
100% accuracy

DuckDuckGo results of “black couple” image search:

Actual black couple count: 56/56
100% accuracy

Google results of “black couple” image search:

Actual black couple count: 39/40
98% accuracy

 

 

 

What other biased/inaccurate searches can we come up with?

Computer Crash and Recovery

No review for now. Just wanna mention why I’m not currently making a blog post about a movie. It’s because my buttfucking computer decided not to boot one day, and had me go through countermeasure after countermeasure trying to get the computer back up to speed.

For anyone who’s not interested in half-assed computer tech speeches, in a nutshell, I had to do a bunch of tech shit to get my computer back up to speed to I can make this blog post, but it will take me a little longer to create animated gifs again (though to be fair, 80% of my posts are images taken from other web sites, but the movie reviews I wanted to do demanded me being more original goddamnit!).

So, the tech stuff. I start up the computer one afternoon, it gets through the BIOS booting. But when it gets to the part where it’s supposed to boot Windows 7 (could’ve purchased Windows 10 when I first built this thing, but didn’t, mostly due to compatibility issues with older games, but mostly because of all the unnecessary tacks and tracking and assistants and all those other bullshit bells and whistles Windows 10 comes with), it decides it’s not going to do that. So I’m left staring into the black abyss of a blank computer screen, wondering if my soul is getting corrupted like the hard drive. Eventually I tell the Abyss to go fuck itself.

Restart.

The computer comes up with this screen:

Normally just starting Windows normally tends to work fine and it fixes itself. Not this time.

Restart.

I choose Safe mode. That doesn’t fair any better.

Restart.

Well, time to do Windows Repair. While I have a Windows 7 disc, my computer doesn’t have a disc player. I originally installed Windows using a reformatted USB stick with the Windows 7 installation files on it. So I insert that, eventually get to this screen:

So of course I choose Startup Repair. It does it’s thing, and then…

Restart.

It doesn’t fix shit. It’s at this point I started to get a little worried, not to mention pissed off. I’m especially pissed off because I have 2 hard disk drives, 2 terabytes in size each, working together using RAID 1. The whole fucking point of RAID 1 is that if one hard drive fails, the other will still work, and I could attempt repairs from there. That sounded good in theory which is why I chose that fucking configuration in the first fucking place, but apparently it’s not as good in practice for situations like this. It’s at this point I decided that it would be a good idea to store all the memory that is on these drives into an external hard drive, wipe the drives, make them non-RAID (just 2 separate drives that work independently off of one another), and set one drive to be a backup drive manually by having Windows do it’s backup process on that drive in case something goes wrong. Then eventually make a mirror copy of the main drive onto an external hard drive in case something like this happens again.

So, I had to go shopping for a 2 TB external hard drive, which ended up being on sale at OfficeMax. Now, while I don’t believe I used even 1 TB of memory initially, I wanted a 2 TB external hard drive just for the sake of the future. There will come a day when 1 TB likely isn’t enough.

Anyway, booted up the computer again, and determined the best way to go about backup up the memory on the hard drives using a process that doesn’t require booting up the operating system. One way is to use that windows repair screen (see above) and choose the Command Prompt, type in “notepad” (without the quotations), which opens up Notepad. From there I can go to File->Open, which will bring up a Windows Explorer type of screen where I can navigate files and folder with a GUI instead of Command Prompt text, and copy paste files and folders from there. Well, there’s 2 problems with this method (one of which I would discover until later on).

The biggest issue is that it take a long goddamn cocksucking time to finish pasting the folders to the external hard drive. In fact, it won’t even allow me to copy-paste an entire drive, so I have to copy-paste-wait one folder at a time. I eventually got around to copy-pasting Program Files (x86), but eventually got sick of waiting for it to complete after 3 FUCKING DAYS!

Restart.

This time I just skipped the whole Windows 7 disc boot altogether, and went straight into booting using just the Command Prompt (see image above). From there, I did the xcopy method.

xcopy C:\ F:\ /H/I/C/K/E/R/Y

Not sure if that’s the exact text I typed in, but anyone familiar with xcopy and Command Prompt pretty much knows what that does. In a nutshell, it copies everything from drive C to Drive F (which was the external hard drive), and HICKERY makes sure it copies everything, all folders and sub-directories, etc. Couldn’t copy it into a folder I setup on Drive F apparently, it had to go straight to the base of the drive (or maybe there’s some method/text I was missing for that to work). Anyone, it got started, and it was rolling. Hauling ass compared to the notepad method. In fact, it finished in about 12 hours or so (maybe 8, I wasn’t watching the entire time, I’m not a cocksucking zombie).

So, everything was backed up, I was clear to wipe the drives. So, I boot up the Windows 7 disc, and choose the Install Now, Custom Installation (I tried the Upgrade option, didn’t work, I don’t remember the details, bit fuzzy on that).

Obviously not my computer here.

So, chose “Delete” for both drives, but kept the System Reserved for both drives. Then chose “New” to make the drive ready for Windows 7, then “Format”, then began the installation. Installation (almost) completes.

Restart.

So here I’m thinking I’ll get the Windows 7 login screen. Nope. Instead I get this:

Not my computer, so the File and Status may be different here; everything else is the same.

It’s at this point my irritation became full blows rage, in which I yelled at the computer, “Go fuck yourself!”

Restart.

So, back to letting Windows 7 do Startup repair. And here’s basically how it went down.

Repair.

Restart.

Same Screen.

Restart.

Repair.

Restart.

Same Screen.

Do the installation on the 2nd drive, only with deleted the System Reserved as well.

Restart.

Same Screen.

Restart.

Repair.

Restart.

Same Screen.

Reinstall Windows 7.

Restart.

Finally get Windows 7 to properly install. So, to get it back up to speed, I start installing the motherboard software (from a disc, which I also put on a USB). It starts off fine, restarting the computer off and on, and successfully booting back to Windows, but then when it installs this thing called “Intel Rapid Storage Tech and Driver”, which is something that was necessary if using RAID on hard drives that exceed 1 TB in size, that causes an error on startup. Won’t boot windows. Try to repair, it fails. Well, back to the monotony (see above).

So after that monotony, eventually something happens that really started to scare me. It wouldn’t go past the BIOS boot. It was stuck there, at the first screen that comes up when I power on the computer. It wouldn’t even attempt to try and get to the part where it tries to boot up the operating system. It’s at this point I should mention what kind of motherboard I have.

This particular motherboard comes with something it calls Dr. Debug. Dr. Debug shows 2 digit code numbers/letters on the bottom-right side of the screen (and on the motherboard itself) when starting up. These let me know what the problem is in case something goes wrong. I was getting error code 9C. 9C, in this case, means this, and I quote from the manual:

Problem related to memory. Please re-install the CPU and memory then clear CMOS. If the problem still exists, please install only one memory module or try using other memory modules.

I was beyond angry at this point. As in I was no longer angry or frustrated. I was just tired. I was in one of those, “Oh what’s the use, I’m sick of working on this shit,” sort of moods. I hadn’t felt that way since watching Ghostbusters: Answer the Call.

So I stayed away from it for a couple days, using my dad’s computer (which I also built myself, many years ago) to check my emails, and spent the rest of the time watching movies and playing board games solo, and working at my place of employment.

But I had to try to repair it again. At first I thought I was going to have to take apart the computer so that I could hit this so-called CMOS switch (which I believe wipes the memory straight off the motherboard, which means I have to reconfigure it from scratch). Apparently, that’s not the case. There’s a tiny little button on the part of the motherboard that juts out of the back of the computer (along with USB plugs and such). Well, I pressed it, went back in and reconfigured the BIOS. Used the Windows 7 disk to wipe the hard drives (both of them), install Windows 7 on one of them. It works.

Restart.

Get back into Windows 7, install the Motherboard hardware (this time without the Intel Rapid Storage Tech and Driver), which finally goes off without a hitch or a glitch. Seemed like I was back in business.

Installed the graphics driver, the wireless ethernet driver (don’t have the luxury of using a wired connection at this current point in time), and the Windows Updates. That latter part is a bit of a hassle. It wouldn’t just download the updates normally. So, to fix that issue, I open windows explorer and navigate to C:\Windows\SoftwareDistribution\Download, deleted all folders there (ie the currently installed updates Windows 7 initially came with), and then attempted to get it to download updates, which it finally did. Installed all the ones I deemed necessary.

And that was the last of the major hassles. Figured I mine as well as blog about it in case anyone else suffers from a similar situation, so they can learn from my mistakes, and so that there will be a record of how to overcome these errors. And that’s also why I haven’t made a review when I wanted to. And I’ve got some films in store for you. When I get around to them.

Ghostwatch

I’m always interested in films that have been banned for unjust reasons.

Movie Truth

Dir: Lesley Manning, 1992

10/10ghostwatch (2)

Okay, I know it’s not “technically” a film but the furore and controversy surrounding the showing and the subsequent refusal to ever broadcast the show again, meant that, I felt, it warranted inclusion.

And has been shown several times at the British Film Institute.

Stephen Volk’s television drama is one of, if not THE, most controversial programmes ever broadcast.

Ghostwatch was a one off live broadcast about an investigation into a supposedly haunted house.

Michael Parkinson and Mike Smith were in the studio taking phone calls and messages while his wife Sarah Greene and Craig Charles were on location at the house.

The occupants of the house was a mother and her two teenage daughters.

They reported instances of unexplained banging, chills and other, usual, activity associated with poltergeists.

Throughout the broadcast, the supernatural occurences got worse and threatened the lives of all involved.

Of…

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