Rated: 1/5

What you’re in for.

Been playing nice for too long. I need a film to piss me off.

Fifty Shades Darker. Guess that means this will be darker than the last film. Kinda wish they named this Fifty Shades of Blue or something, that way it would be easier to make immature sex jokes, like Fifty Shades of Blue Me, as in blow me. If this film doesn’t have people getting blown in it, in the sexual way, I’m going to get pissed and start watching some actual honest-to-God porn. If this film pisses me off enough, I might lose my cool and actually post porn on this blog page.

And there had also be plenty of ass-slapping like in the last film.

Like every drunk review I do, I’ll be typing my responses in real-time while the movie plays, as opposed to pondering the film when it ends and then writing a review. Because honestly, why the fuck would anyone want to ponder a film like this?

The Cocksucking Review

Hey, it begins with a woman getting slapped around and being called a bitch off-camera. I’m liking it already. Oh yeah, did I mention that my sexist-factor increases exponentially when I’m drunk? Just thought you should know.

Hah! Mr. Grey’s acting is worse than ever. Can’t even act well in his sleep.

What a load of bullshit. They call this film Fifty Shades Darker, and yet that title is dropped upon a bright white swirling flower, and fades to white. Christ, I think this is an early sign of the film being more stupid than the first, and that’s not an easy feat to achieve.

Christian still as stalky as ever, though granted he didn’t spontaneously appear in her house this time, just sent her flowers.

There’s a guy named Mr. Hyde? What the fuck? Well now I’m curious where they’re going with this.

Anastasia Steele (goddamnit, that fucking name) seems so depressed. And to think, she could be having as much fun as her friends on the beach if she had the willpower to withstand a few whips on the ass. Christ, she acts like she was getting violated with a broken wine bottle or something.

Heheh, there’s this creepy girl staring at Anastasia on the bus.

 

“How did you makeout with those manuscripts?”
“Oh, really great actually. I made sure to give them some tongue and all, I really enjoyed it.”

I made some of that last line up.

Awkward workplace. Now that sounds like a porno waiting to happen.

Huh? Anna’s pictures on display at an art gallery? Uh, I don’t know what to think. My mind is blank. I need some more booze, that oughtta kill the boring brain cells and generate some better ones.

Of course fucking Christian Grey buys them all. How the fuck did I not see that coming? How the fuck did no one see all that coming? How the fuck could someone have written something that is so unpredictable?

 

“I don’t like strangers gawking at you.”
“Why are you here?”
“For you.”

Goddamnit! Fuck this movie!

 

“Ok, I’ll have dinner with you, but only because I’m hungry.”

Eh, that line may have worked with better delivery.

Whoop, making out 9 minutes in. That makes it a tad bit better than the first, for now, I guess.

Gah! Scene transition to a waiter’s ass in front of the camera! Fuck you movie!

 

“I want you back.”
“Ok.”

That is how that fucking conversation should’ve gone. We know they’re going to get back together, everything else is just dragging this fucking 2+ hour movie on. But nooooooooo, they gotta have this and that and some other bullshit so that there’s TENSION! “I wanna get back together, but maybe not, but maybe I should, but you might spank me hard again, butt fuck me in the ass.” Just get on with it!

 

“You were getting off on the pain you inflicted.”

Well, yeah, it’s not like that was into the extreme of BDSM. I’ve seen Skyrim mods that go heavier into that shit than the first film did.

 

“No rules, no punishments, and no more secrets.”
“I can do that.”

Bullshit. Everyone has secrets they keep.

Come on, masturbate in front of the window! Oh wait, that chick from the bus is back, and she’s staring up in Anastasia’s window. Well now, kinda wish she was masturbating in the window. That would make the creep factor of this scene increase exponentially, which is probably what the film-makers were intending.

 

“Laurie’s is around the corner.”

Better hope no one in town gets a terrible sickness then.

Dafuq? What was the point of that chick talking to Anastasia? Goddamnit, this film is irritating me! Hang on, I need some strong stuff…

…Ok, I’m back, what’s happening?

Jesus fucking Christ, I honestly hoped they wouldn’t go with the lazy trite route of having Steele’s boss hitting on her at the bar only for Christian to come in and take her away. Thus setting up for future similar encounters with her boss coming onto her only for Christian to coming in and protect her like a guardian angel, while acting like an extreme stalker. But who the fuck am I kidding. Might get good if Christian and Mr. Boss get in a fight.

“I think we should take it slow.”
“Ok.”
“Take it slow. Set a course. Make it happen. Inda cage. Shields up, weapons online. Battlecruiser operational.”

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the film followed those above lines with, “Want me to fuck you up the ass?” “Sure!” Something will happen. Something has to happen.

I don’t get it. First she complains about how he’s interfering in her life and about to take over her job (being her boss’ boss’ boss and all), then she decides to make out with him. Next thing you know, he’s going to slap her real hard, she’s going to start to cry, then she’ll suddenly strip her clothes off, leap onto him, mount him, and they’ll start going at it. Seriously, she seems to enjoy some form of punishment that is too weird, even for BDSM people.

“I thought you wanted to take it slow.”

Well fuck it, let’s take it fast and get this film rolling.

Yes! Sex scene!
No! That fucking music!
Yes! The (partial) nudity!
No! The sex scene was fucking boring!

Alright, you know what, this movie can go fuck itself.

“Kinky fuckery.”

Well now.

Whoah! We got us a new stalker in town. A female. Maybe we can get a three-way. Come on, considering how fucking weird these characters act, that is in the realm of possibility for this film.

“Why do you have my bank account details?”

That’s a really good question. WHAT THE FUCK! This is a whole new level of stalking going on here from Christian. Fuck me sideways, she’s ok with this, and just shrugs this off as Christian being Christian? *facepalm* *headslap* *kneeslam* assbash* *tummyrub*

“Christian I don’t care about my hair!”

Oh good, then you can do the bald look and see if that turns Christian on. Hey, if Sigourney Weaver can do it…

“This isn’t a relationship, Christian, this is ownership. It’s really difficult to do this if you won’t let me get close to you. And it’s really difficult if you won’t let me touch you.”

Like you did last night?

This movie isn’t fun. It’s the opposite of fun. It’s confusion met with frustration and dumbfoundedness. At least with the first one it was more direct and I could laugh at how fucking stupid everything is. But this film, goddamnit, it’s not funny, it’s not as sexy as it thinks it is, and I wanna watch the new episode of twin peaks.

You know what, fuck this, I’d rather ramble on about random crap than pay attention tot his shit, even while drunk. And shove those beads up her ass, that’s what they’re for.

“No, I don’t want those in my butt.”
“They don’t go in your butt.”

Well, I sit corrected. Up her pussy. Guess that’s more comfortable for her than ass-penetration. At least they won’t get shit on them balls.

Oh, a kiss on the ass. Not quite up to the slapping part, but here’s hoping it gets there.

Greek fire masks witcher 3 eyes wide shut party American Idol singer mommy issues. Bang your head! Metal health will drive you mad!

Balls! Balls! I mean, vagina!

“I don’t know whether to worship at your feet, or spank you.”

Spank her! Spank her! Spank the ever-loving shit out of her until those silver balls fall out of her soaking wet pussy! Come on, make something happen in this goddamn movie!

“I think I’ll take option two.”

YES!!!! Where’s that ass-slapping!?

Yes! The ass-slapping is back and in full-force now! And the moaning. But you know, the sex scenes aren’t exactly turning me on. It’s not because I’m desensitized that far or anything, but I noticed that the first film managed to at least give me some sensation during the sex scenes. This one, not so much. It’s more about how silly this can get, and entertaining, because turning people on isn’t what this film is good at. Maybe it’ll go for shock value and have someone shove a pineapple up someone’s ass. More hopeful than a porcupine getting shove where the sun don’t shine.

The boss is back. Doesn’t sound as cool as “bitch” now does it?

Whew, I’m drunk enough to where I’m having a hard time punching the keys on the keyboard, and this film still isn’t doing it for me. Have I moved past all these drunk reviews? Am I too old for this? Or does this movie just suck that badly? Anyone ever heard of Abella Anderson or Haley Wilde? Oh if only a video existed of those two going at it.

Busted car. Stalker girlfriend is making the film just a tad bit interesting.

I find it amusing that he still has that lipstick on his body.

Oh, Jesus Christ. “I’m a woman who will save you from you’re tortured past and change you and make you into a better man while fucking your brains out every night.” That’s bullshit! This was done better in Unforgiven, and the woman who changed Eastwood wasn’t even present in that movie. The film did a better job at telling that sort of story within the first 20 minutes than this franchise does in 2 fucking movies!

Can we see some pedophilia? Seriously, Christian Grey seems like the type of person who got sexually abused as a kid, and the film seems to hint at that. And…

…Oh, fuck this music. I was onto some deep philosophical ramblings until that fucking dumbass hop-hop 2010s song hit. Fuck the mainstream music of this decade. And fucking ships and cruising. “Hey, I can steer a boat!” “Hey, I can tie my shoes better than Albert Einstein!”

Oh, Fast & Furious: Texting! Why isn’t that a sequel to that franchise? Has anyone made a youtube video on that for the sake of parody? That would make the car chases more intense for those movies wouldn’t it? Having them texting while driving and shooting people? Now there’s a fucking movie!

Alright, that does it, I’m reading the Ghost in the Shell manga, Dark Horse comics edition, with the lesbo sex scene still intact (fuck the Deluxe Edition and its self-censorship bullshit!).

“Let’s learn to walk before we run.”
“I kinda like running.”

Yeah, like in the last film where you thought you could run until you realized how oversensitive you gluteus maximus is. At least this film admits it, sort of.

“Last time was different.”

Jesus Christ, seriously? Well I’m ready for the boo-hoo-hoos now. Hell, I’m ready for this fucking movie to end.

Why am I not turned on by this? Is there something wrong with me? Is this film designed to make me sexually confused? Is it going to turn me into a hardcore raging full blown Milo gay homo? Hang on, let me check on some straight porno that aroused me in the past.

Yep, still turns me on as much as ever. Hell, it even makes me laugh as much as ever. Well that settles it, this movie just plain flat-out sucks loads of diarrhea ass. Jesus titty-fucking Christ, I still have another hour to get through. And I could be taking a fucking nap or doing something more constructive than watching this piece of shit. No wonder it got all these negative reviews.

New York, New York, New York. Can some gremlins show up now? That would make any porno more interesting if gremlins showed up to fuck things up, in more ways than one.

“I thought this was your dream job.”

Seriously? This is her fucking dream job? How dreamy, an office clerk/secretary.

Christ, her boss turns out to be an asshole and a freak and a creep. Should’ve known the film was going to go this route and have 2-dimensional characters. No need for a third dimension. Hyde.

Whoah, well that was kinda awesome. Steele has some self-defense moves. You just don’t see that often enough in movies amidst female protagonists who aren’t superheroes or who have mysterious backgrounds.

“Christian, you know I love working.”

Yeah, ’cause the film has demonstrated that trait. Rubbish! For all I know, you love being Grey’s slave! Take your attempt at 3-dimensional characters and shove them up your ass along with your silver balls!

Did like her reaction to him taking the wine glass from her. Her hand expression is all like, “What the fuck! I want some wine to get me drunk and forget about how fucking stressful it is being with your pro-BDSM ass!”

“What happened to walk before we run?”

You’re the cunt who decided not to do that earlier! For mother-fuck’s sake!

Boring. Should be nice to see her taking the initiative and becoming a leader, woman power and all. But it’s just boring. This film is boring. Fuck’s sake, I could be talking about how… nah forget it, I’m saving that for a future review on a Spike Lee film.

Boring. Panties.

Boring. Feeling up and toucha toucha touch me. I wanna feel dirty. Is the stalker chick going to make an appearance yet?

Boring. Pool, and balls. Balls. BALLS!

“Maybe we should make a bet?”

I bet no one is going to get their dick sucked in this movie. But there are pussies that get sucked.

You know, as silly and dumb as it is, this pool scene kinda works. Not a half-bad idea having a pool sequence where both players are trying to distract one another with sexual teases and whatnot. Too bad the film doesn’t execute it in a good enough way.

You know, sex scenes in films are supposed to top one another as the film goes on, not get worse. So, what the fuck!? That pool sex scene was the worst one the film has had yet! This film blows! Actually that’s a lie, ’cause no one has blown anyone yet. Can’t say it sucks, because no one has sucked anyone off yet. This film isn’t good.

Alright, stalker chick is here! Now this film will get interesting! Gun!

“Tell me what you have that I don’t!”
“Nothing.”

Bullshit. You have better looks and are taller. Sorry to break it to ya crazy chick, but you’re only so-so looking compared to Anastasia Steele.

And stalker chick is as powerless as a Japanese sex robot before her male master Christian Grey. And that shitty music plays again.

That does it. Next time I watch some movie that is this fucking boring, and I’m doing a drunk review of it, I’m going to cut my losses and stop it there and then without finishing it. This movie isn’t worth it. This is the last time I make any effort into finishing what I’ve started when it comes to drunk reviews. The fucking movie needs to be fucking entertaining on some level.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

Hey, I think that’s a first, hearing this film saying “fuck”.

Christ, this dialogue. Someone gag me with a spoon and shove a pinecone up my ass.

Oh man, Christian Grey saying, “No!” while he’s sleeping. There’s some great bad dialogue delivery.

Boring. Clothes. Christian doesn’t know how to sell panic amidst a helicopter crash. I’m feeling sick (alcohol).

That whole helicopter crash that was one big fat giant fucking red herring!

Well the shower scene wasn’t too bad. Offered some titillation. And oiling her up in the red room isn’t half-bad either.

…

Lost the urge to comment on the rest. The film ends with them accepting their proposals for marriage, and one lass ass-smack, the end.

Some (not so) Happy Thoughts

Fuck this movie. This movie fucking sucks a bag of ducks. Quack quack motherfucker.

First of all, all the ass-slapping that was spread throughout the first film is condensed into one scene, and one brief moment near the end. That already makes the film worse.

Second, this film is fucking boring. One of the most fucking boring movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I don’t see how anyone can find this entertaining. There’s better chick flicks out there than this pile of trash. I couldn’t have fun watching this while drunk, and I’m pretty sure the jokes I came up with are nowhere near as entertaining as in my previous drunk review for the previous film, but still every bit as immature. Pretty sure you suffered as much reading this as I did watching the film.

Third, the sex scenes were less titillating than in the first film, and that’s saying a lot, considering the first film wasn’t all that titillating either. I’ve seen porn of women eating each others’ asses out that turns me on more than this!

Don’t watch this movie people. If you don’t take my advice, well then you asked for it. I’ll be happy knowing you suffered.