Sober Rating: 1/5
Drunk Rating: 4/5

Introduction

Yes, you read the title right. Drunk review. What’s a drunk review in this case? Well I down a drink or two before the movie starts, then start watching the movie, and typing my thoughts down on it in real-time (occasionally pausing the movie if I have to write a lot, which is often, which tends to double the length, pleasure, and fun. Or misery, depending on how I take it. I consider those last two sentences to have better written satirical sex puns than the entirety of this fucking movie.

Now, I must confess, this isn’t a review I just now did. I wrote it a while back on some other site. But I wanted to port it over to here, with gifs. Mainly because I’m thinking I will do this again with the sequel 50 Shades Darker. Normally I’d want to review the newer movie, but I heard it sucks loads of slappy ass, and I couldn’t make it through the first film sober. That’s an impossibility for me unless I’m doing an endurance test or am offered money to sit through that shit.

So, fair warning, this review will definitely absolutely positively not be safe for work.

Anyway, cheers.

Start of archived review

I was talked into this. Some people on letterboxd, and at work, said they enjoyed it and that others should lighten up and enjoy it too. Well, I watched 5 minutes of this movie, and had to stop. Those five minutes convinced me that everything about this movie that I’ve heard was true. From the haters. That this movie is really bad. But regardless, I knew after that that I had to watch this movie in full. I had to see just how bad it would get. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to do it sober.

It all started when I saw ThatGuyWithTheGlasses doing a comedy read of the book. That shit was hilarious. But then I found out that the book was popular, and that female college classmates digged it. So that combined with their love for the Twilight franchise made me wonder, “What the fuck is wrong with females today? First they want equal pay, now they find this shit entertaining?” Plus I heard that a gay guy was originally supposed to act the role of Christian Grey. And I thought that was appropriate, so I said my thoughts aloud on the matter, to which a female reader replied, “Why do you think that’s appropriate? The guy is gay!” To which I replied, “So is the book!”

But regardless, the book is a hit, so an inevitable tweenie porn movie would be made to capitalize it, because female’s tastes in movies suck loads of ass. What the fuck ever happened to the chicks who dug Gone With The Wind, or My Fair Lady, or something respectable? Now they dig shit like this and Mama Mia. And for the record, my women bashing isn’t going to end here this month, oh no. After some recent incident, I’m going to take pleasure in going to town on them for the rest of the month.

So with that being said, I have another reason to want to review this movie. I’ve been noticing a trend in my reviews as of late. Dirty sex jokes. It’s got to stop. So reviewing this garbage will get it all out of my system. So, as if the above anti-feminist plug wasn’t enough of a hint, this review is going to be me at my worst. Witness me become a very deplorable human being, if you dare. I’m not going to hold back on the ‘jaculations, the squirts, the pantings, the slappings, the suckings, and everything else that good old Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks talked about, and maybe more. You have been warned.

I had to prep myself for this, outside of getting some 7-Up to mix with the peach and citrus vodka, and grenadine, and Jose Cuervo, plus some Luganitas Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ Ale. No I didn’t get some weird-ass leather straps or any of that BDSM shit. I watched Independence Day and Pulp Fiction (the latter of which probably has better S&M than this movie) just to remind myself that good films exist.

So off I go. And no, this won’t be the unrated cut unfortunately. But from what I’ve heard, it doesn’t really make the sex scenes that much more erotic or extended. Either way, fuck the MPAA for forcing the edits anyway, those hypocritical twats who would rather see someone’s brains get blown out by bullets and explosions rather than seeing someone fuck their brains out.

NC-17 Review

Seriously, chicks have enough shame to admit to watching and enjoying this, but not enough to watching and enjoying actual porn?

Gay Harden. Oh what could’ve been.

Yet another one of those movies that tries to convince us that the actress is young enough to be a college student. That’s adorable.

The panda disapproves of Anastasia Steele.

I have a feeling that Mr. Grey has banged all of those chicks working in that building.

Trip fall.

Eyes meet. Tree and a wooden totem pole.

Lies! Those pencils are blue, but have “Grey” written on them! What is this shit? Oh I get it, it’s to match Steele’s blue dress and blue personality. Isn’t blue supposed to be sad? Wait a minute. Grey clouds, blue environment, rain, storm, sadness. Is this going to have a sad ending? Or is this just going to be a depressing as fuck movie?

Jesus Christ, I know this girl is substituting for her roommate and isn’t exactly a pro interviewer, but this is just sad the way she’s carrying herself here.

Grey claims to be good and understanding people.

“Maybe you were just lucky?”

What the fuck lady? What the fuck kind of an interviewer are you? Who the fuck talks like that when they’re interviewing someone? I’m in full support of Grey giving her some bondage to shut her up right here and now.

“So you’re a control freak?”
“Oh I exercise control in all things Ms. Steele.”

Heheheh, as in, “Oh I would like to control you and dominate you and bondage you so would be begging me for more of me, hardy-I’m gonna fuck you-har.”

Oh Steele, you little cherry you.

“I just wonder if perhaps your heart might be a bit bigger than you like to let on.”
“But others say I don’t have a heart at all.”
“Why would they say that?”
“Because talentless female writers like to write about tough guys who are intimidating enough to tear of Bruce Lee’s dick and rape Chuck Norris with it, but soft enough to where they will fall apart at a young horny girl’s yearnings for him, so that this big bad boy will become all theirs. And because I’m an asshole like all corporate dudes.”

“I enjoy various physical pursuits.”

Oh I bet you do. Seriously, it’s so fucking easy to riff on this movie already. First 5 minutes and there’s already enough material to write an essay dissing on the dialogue. How is it that girls can view this as a masterpiece?

“Do you have an actual question Ms Steele?”

Yes, please, ask something that an actual interviewer would ask.

“Are you gay?”

… Ok, I’ll give you that one movie. I’m not sure if that’s self-awareness or if that was originally in the first draft of the script, but I’ll take it either way.

“No Anastasia, I’m not gay.”

So he says in the gayest way possible without using the gay voice.

Ugh. I know she’s trying to be a bit sexy with the pencil on her lips, but it can’t be healthy having that eraser there.

Damnit, what is happening to me? I’m being drawn into this conversation somehow. This movie is putting a spell over me. Oh God, more booze, more booze! I gotta break it before it’s too late! Oh Jesus, now I’m getting images of all the female zombie fans of this movie being all decayed and fucked up like the people from The Evil Dead shouting demonically, “Join us! Join us!” Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

…

Internship. Giggles.

“I don’t think I’d fit in here. Look at me.”
“I am.”

Oh thank God, the spell just broke. Thank you cheesy lines.

What the fuck was that? “Anastasia.” “Christian.” Elevator closes. What the hell? Ok, I’m not going to lie, I did get to see the last 10 minutes of the movie prior to this, so I know how it ends, and know how it connects to the ending scene. But that doesn’t make this, or the ending, any less fucking stupid. Oh, and I’ll get to the ending, just you wait.

I think Steele just came in the rain.

“You’re a goddess, this is perfect.”

No, it’s not. This movie would be perfectly fucking hilarious if it kept the whole inner goddess thing that I heard about from the book. No, I haven’t read the book, but I’ve heard all about the dumb shit that’s in it, and if they kept the goddess stuff in the script and put it in the movie, this would be a riffer’s dream come true. Online critics like the Nostalgia Critic, Cinema Snob, and several others, they would be creaming their pants and be craving this movie. Reviewing it would be a work of art. But no, they had to make it less cheesy, so that now the movie can be taken seriously.

“He was clean.”
“Clean?”

Well you know, except for his underwear.

“He was kinda intense.”

Hah! See what I mean? Horny teen chick writing 101, rule 2: make the dude intense. In case you’re wondering, rule 1 is make the dude handsome.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”

Are we going to get a lesbian scene? Oh God, please, 2 college girls sharing a room together wanting to eat each other out, that’s horny teen dude writing 101 right there. Hey, you chicks reading this don’t have the right to be offended. You paid to watch your tweenie shit in theaters, us guys don’t get shit for us dude porn. That didn’t come out right did it?

“I’m gonna make a sandwich, do you want one?”

Yeah, I want 2 chicks sandwiching me.

Jesus Christ, I’m only 11 minutes into the movie. I should calm down on the writing, or I’ll be here all night.

“Ok I wasn’t hungry. Now I am. Mind if I eat you out?”

Ok, that last sentence wasn’t in the movie. But goddamnit, this is supposed to be a softcore porn movie, I wanna see some fucking sex (guess the sentence would’ve been find if I removed “sex” from it)! Now I’m fucking hungry. And Steele’s hungry for Grey’s cock. And she simulates this by pressing Grey’s pencil up against her lips. Girl, you better pray he isn’t a pencil dick. That would be pretty fucking disappointing for you.

Seriously? A broken foot is going to keep her parents away from her college graduation? What a bunch of shitty parents!

And Mr. Grey is in the shop Anna works at. Shopping for cable ties. Because he wants to tie her wrists in them so she is helpless while he thrusts into her and makes her cry out in pain, and pleasure. Where the fuck are the sex scenes!?

Masking tape. Ok, so I guess you don’t want to hear her cry out, you just want to hear her muffled screams. Uhhhh…

Rope. So she can be bound, gagged, and be done in by auto-erotic asphyxiation.

“You’re the complete serial killer.”
“Not today.”

Whoah. Whoah did that line make this movie take a dark turn.

“Maybe coveralls so you could protect your clothes?”
“Could just take all my clothes off.”
“Ok. No clothes. I mean, no overalls.”

Ok, I really gotta stop with the quotes. Just take my word for it, this movie is full of cheesy laugh out loud dialogue. This is bonafide razzie material. It’s amazing to behold that someone wrote these lines with a serious face expression. Or maybe with an orgazmic face expression while they were fingering themselves while typing the words, either way it’s incredible.

Mr. Grey at a photo shoot.

“How about we try a few with a smile?”

*He takes photos of grey, who remains stern and unsmiling.*
“Or not.”

Bhahahahahah! Seriosuly, we know he can smile, because he did it earlier! You can’t sell that he never smiles. Oh my fucking God. This movie is amazing!

Man, what a creep Grey is, asking about Steele’s potential boyfriends. I can’t do it! I can’t not comment on these dialogues/1 They’re so fu-hu-cking cheesy and bad, I can’t he-help it. *breaks into hysterical laughter*

Mr. Grey is all like: yes, yes, feel that coffee cup. Imagine it’s my dick. My long hard hot steaming thick voluptuous dick that you want to hold and drink out of, while I stare at you with an unsmiling stern grey face; and I then cum into your mouth while you moan and I show no emotion.

“I don’t do the girlfriend thing.”

No, you just bang broads and then forget about them an hour later.

My God, this movie is too much. Every other single fucking line of fucking dialogue. How can you not laugh at this shit? I can’t keep doing this review by quoting every other line, I just can’t. It’s too much work, and I’m losing my mind over this movie. Jesus Christ, how can anyone watch this without thinking it’s so-bad-it’s-good?

Party. Make-up. Package. Incredible books and pages.

“I can’t. This is too much.”

Well that’s what I’ve been saying about the dialogue. Christ! How far am I into this? 23 minutes!? Am I even going to get this done in one sitting?

Pathological liar master of puppets pulling strings master of orion spacships flying angels in love devil girl devil tails wrapped around legs going into pussies and extasy and moaning and pleasure and oh aoahahahooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Let’s just see where this goes.

Shots, head shaking like me. These 2 broads need to make out with each other. Please. You’re making me want to watch Blue is the Warmest Color, which I still need to see. Heheh, blue. Apple. Phone, computer. Anastasia is me. Books. Thanks motherfucker. Pissing and drinking. Fancy jami pants. Coffee advice. Drunk Anna is fun. Has she ever been laid up till now? Grey is coming for you. Ooooh oooohh!

Drunkeness. Wanna kiss. Whoah holy motherfuck! How did Christan get to that bar so fast!? Puke and love. Don’t fucking remind me of the Valentine Vomit Gore Trilogy motherfucker!

“Who’s Elliot?”
“He’s inside her. I mean, he’s inside talking to her right now.”

Drunk broad either equals sex, or drunk broad equals dude having a conscience and not wanting to take advantage of a girl who wants him to take advantage of her. What a predicament!

“You’re spinning.”

No, you are.

Ah, nothing like waking up to some cards that say, “Eat me.” and “Drink me.” Hahahahah! I’m cracking up!

26 minutes in. 26 minutes! Where’s the fucking sex at goddamnit! Where’s the violations!? Someone better get fucking violated soon!

“Necrophilia’s not my thing.”

Banging a so-drunk-she’s-passed-out chick is not necrophilia! I would know, I’ve seen clips from movies that do bona-fide necro-shit! Now my fucking head is spinning!

Chocolates! Or clothes. Or bread. Or toast. Or pizza. It a dick, please. Eat something in a sexual way.

Whu oh. Shirt gets taken off. He eats her toast.

“If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week.”

Oh, now we’re talking!

“Why am I here?”
“So you can see me topless.”

Too bad that applies to the guy and not the girl. Oh well, I guess that’s how tweenie porn works. At least it’s not fucking vampirosifuckery who glitters when tipless and in the sun, fuck thoese fuckers. fdjnaojdfnouisgnuownrseuzdjdfiocvn]sfdnjnb eaofdnjdgvbk sofsaf
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Books. :Luvin’ you is like :loving the dead!” I don’t do romance.” No, you do buttfucking and whores and don’t want relationships.

“Enlighten me then.”

Yes! Please! Fuck her! Nope, not gonna do it, because fuck you AnomalousHost, and you’re horny sex dreams. Well fuck you dreams!

Stores. Home. Disappointment.

Wait, can it be? Elevator sex? Fuxk paperwork? Noooooooo! Noooooooooooo! Fuck you you business corporate fucks! I want an elevator sex scene! I wanted them to fuck and get it over with, then have those corporate cunts cum into the elevator and ask, “Hey, what’s that smell?” And then have them cum up with some dumb one-liner that I can’t fathom because it’s beyond stupidity.

Hey, there’s a couple that was fucking. Why couldn’t we see more of them?

Holy fuck I am blasted. I can’t even walk straight to the bathroom without making an effort to think straight and not run into the walls and door frames. You see what this movie is doing to me!?

“My computer’s broken.”

When the fuck did that happen? Why can’t Steel and her roomate go lesbo on each other?

Get to dah chppah! Now! Do it now! Do eachother now! Make seatbelts erotic now! No escaping now!

“My heads spinning now. What are you waiting for?”

I like this song. It sums up my thoughts and current state. Get on with the sex movie! How far are we into it? 34 minutes. How long is this movie? 2 hours? Oh God.

“Are you going to make love to me now?”

Yes! Please! Fucking do! Fuck! Do fuck! Fucking do! Do-dah-day!

“First, I don’t make love.”

GODDAMNIT!!!!

“I fuck, hard.”

Oh, well ok then, even though I consider them the same thing [don’t worry, I know they’re not the same, but I want to see some sex sex sex sex-su-sex-sex-sex SEX SEX ESX SEX SEX!!!!!!!!].

“Second?”
“Cum.”

Well, I thought that would be taken for granted.

Whoah. The red S&M room. Kinky shit. Ok, I’ve gotta confess, when it comes to sex scenes, I prefer the less kinky shit. Just straight up shoving a dick in the pussy or ass without the sex toys or the gang banging, that’s enough for me. Is this movie going to get friggin weird on me? Oh who am I kidding? It can’t be that weird. It did make it into theaters after all. And I doubt most mainstream broads, as dumb as they are, are that fucked up in the head.

“Do women do this to you?”

Bhahahahahah! That’s a good one! Hahahahahah!

Welcome to SnM bitch.

This is fuggin weird. Business-like SnM relationship. Da hell? Women get off on this? How? Huh? What the fuck?

Ice Cream Bunny, ohh-ohhh, helpme, save me from this wasteland of a movie that leaves me in shambles.

Smochees. Situation. Song for sex scene.Well, it’s about damn time there was a sex scene. Kissing and titties! 42 minutes in and it happens!

Piano. Blanket. Sex again!

Blue sheets and pillows. Symbolism!

Grey wears a blue shirt and stares at her ass. More symbolism! Finger sucking. Bathitubby. Binding wrists.

Oh that cockblocking mother. Fucking hell.

Sex slave go home. Naughty girl, you should be spanked, but I’ll take you home instead.

Walk in the woods. Wouldn’t that be a twist if Jason showed up? That would be fucking perfect.

55 minutes in.

“I know how intimidating this is.”

Do you really? Because I don’t know if I can make it through this entire movie.

Commanding emails. Trying to get a girl to be submissive, through email. Mellow yellow. Consent.

BLACKOUT

24 hours later:

I can’t do it. I can’t go through with getting drunk and reviewing this movie. I would be pausing and typing and playing then repeating the process every 30 seconds. The dialogue in this movie is so goddamn stupid, I wasn’t sure if I should be laughing or getting pissed off in my drunken state. This is borderline miraculous that something with such bad dialogue in this day and age can make it into movie theaters, and be a hit. I don’t think I’ve ever drank as heavily for any movie as I have for this one. I’m amazed I even reached the hour mark. It felt like an eternity. A highly entertaining for all the wrong reasons eternity. I’m not sure if it should be called bliss or what, but I think this movie is the perfect BDSM equivalent experience for drunk watching and riffing. I shouldn’t be enjoying it, but I kind of do, because it’s a marvel.

In a nutshell, the dialogue is so fu-hucking bad I just had to laugh. Sometimes it was so bad I wasn’t sure how to react. And you know what? I have gotta recommend this movie. This is the equivalent to The Room, except with less cult appeal. What this movie lacks in quality of so-bad-it’s-goodness it makes up for in quantity. Have you seen how many fucking lines I’ve used above? I don’t know if that’s even half of all the stupid shit that’s amazing to hear that’s in this movie.

Well anyway, I’ve only seen half of it, and only got to see a couple sex scenes (which are about as softcore as it can get while still showing nudity). I’ve gotta finish this. But I’m too fucked up from last night to drink again, so I gotta do this sober. Sorry guys. But you know what? Turns out, while I was browsing a porn site for research reasons (seriously, that was the reason I was doing it last night), I discovered that it has this actual 50 Shades of Grey movie on it. For free. Streaming. Unrated cut too. So I’ll just switch over to that version for the rest of the review.

Sober Continuation

Jesus, what the fuck? Christian is a stalker, just somehow sneaking into her apartment like a ninja with a wine bottle and some wine glasses. And this chick doesn’t mind this? And she wants to fuck him right there and then, and does? What the hell is wrong with her? Take notes of this boys, females want you to sneak into their homes and seduce them. No lawsuits will occur, and no harm will be done. What nice moral lessons.

“That was really nice.”

See guys?

Sex scene was, decent. Ice.

That moment. That one moment right there in the middle of the movie. When Steele is talking about the terms of the contract in that dark office and bursts out giggling for a brief moment. That’s my reaction to this entire movie. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if that’s what the actors were like for most of the movie, trying to say these lines to each other and keep a straight face, but failing. I don’t think the movie is going to get anymore honest or self-aware than that.

And the secretaries walk in when she asks,

“What are butt plugs.”

Her dad shows up for her graduation? Didn’t he have a broken foot? How is he walking around normally?

And Grey shows up for the graduation.

“I heard he’s gay.”

Damnit movie, stop reminding me of that missed opportunity.

80 minutes in. I don’t know if it’s because I’m sober or if it’s the movie, but I’m seeing less and less so-bad-they’re-good lines. Don’t take this the wrong way, they’re still their, just in less quantity, at least in my sober opinion. First half of the movie raised my expectations way too high.

“Well it must be true, it’s in the paper,”

Grey says sarcastically. That’s probably about as smart as this movie is going to get with the dialogue.

“Most of your fear is in your head.”

Well no shit Sherlock. Where else is it supposed to be, in her tits?

Hey, that music from Roger Rabbit is playing.

This is so stupid. Georgia? He gets mad about her not telling him about Georgia? And all this dialogue about not understanding Christian, and some other rubbish. Ghah! I honestly thought the dialogue was consistent at this point. Consistently stupid, but at least at the same level. Then this scene right after the Grey family dinner happens, and somehow someway the dialogue goes up a notch on the stupidity factor.

Jesus, what a fucking stalker this guy. He tracks her down into Georgia, at her parents house. And she doesn’t find this fucking creepy at all? She has a right to privacy, dickwheat! Oh but it’s alright, he’ll just take her on a private small fast plane ride. That makes everything better and will make everyone forget about all the disturbing implications.

“Fifty shades of fucked up.”

I like that title better.

“I want you to show me your worst.”

So his worst punishment imaginable when it comes to BDSM is giving fer a few whips on the ass with some leather straps? And she views him as a sick fucking monster from that?

“No! Don’t fucking touch me! Don’t come near me!”

Seriously? What a pussy. What a crybaby. Namby-pamby powder puffed milquetoast. Boys and girls have been whipped harder than that by their parents for punishment, with belts, and didn’t cry about it as much as she is. Hell, go watch Nymphomaniac if you wanna see something closer to actual S&M, fucking wimps. Jesus fucking Christ, the stupidity didn’t just jump up a notch, it blasted through the roof. This has got to be one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh my God.

Conclusion
This movie is really fucking stupid, with some fucking stupid dialogue, acting that gets hilarious at times, unaware creepiness, and just plain dumbness. The fact that girls actually think this is good blows my mind. Good God women can really suck sometimes. But with that in mind, that doesn’t mean this film isn’t entertaining. This movie is begging for riffing. It’s begging to be torn to shreds by small groups of drunk people that love making fun of shitty movies. Hell, a drinking game should be made out of it. Take a shot whenever someone says something dopey.

Oh, and just to end it on a trifecta, the ending basically plays out like this:
“Show me your worst, I can take it.”
“I don’t know.”
“Please, do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
smack smack smack smack smack smack
“Boo hoo! Boohoohoohoo! You fucking monster!”

This movie is frikkin goofy.