Fifty Shades Freed (2018) review (April drunken Fools edition)

Rated: Take a fucking guess.

Been a while since I’ve done this, but it’s been a regular thing with each Fifty Shades of Butt-Fucking film that’s come out over the past couple years, so I mine as well as finish it all the way to the climax.  Climax, something none of these films have ever gotten me to do.  Because not only are the sex scenes sissy shit, they have been getting less and less enticing with each passing film.  Hopefully this one will be better, but if not, I fucking swear I’m putting up porn gifs/pics on this blog entry.  One way or another, I’m getting a fucking climax (hey, maybe you will too).  You’ve been warned.

Rat Pack Week a Lynch1979 event | ALCOHOL MAY BE MAN'S WORST ENEMY, BUT THE BIBLE SAYS LOVE YOUR ENEMY. | image tagged in rat pack week,lynch1979,memes | made w/ Imgflip meme maker

Oh, and there better be ass-slapping in this like there was in the last 2 films.  And there better be some unintentional hilarity (which the first film provided, the second film far less so).  If not, I’m going to throw a bitch-fit.  Oh, who am I kidding, it’s a drunk review; bitch-fits are inevitable.

What this review is rated, though I can’t swear to the film containing incest and rape.  But who knows, I might just improvise on that.
Just in cases you needed 1 more warning in case it wasn’t clear.

Review

That’s right.  Like Twilight, these dipshits gotta get married.  Now consummate the fucking thing!

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Fifty Shades Darker, a drunk review


Rated: 1/5

What you’re in for.

Been playing nice for too long. I need a film to piss me off.

Fifty Shades Darker. Guess that means this will be darker than the last film. Kinda wish they named this Fifty Shades of Blue or something, that way it would be easier to make immature sex jokes, like Fifty Shades of Blue Me, as in blow me. If this film doesn’t have people getting blown in it, in the sexual way, I’m going to get pissed and start watching some actual honest-to-God porn. If this film pisses me off enough, I might lose my cool and actually post porn on this blog page.

And there had also be plenty of ass-slapping like in the last film.

Like every drunk review I do, I’ll be typing my responses in real-time while the movie plays, as opposed to pondering the film when it ends and then writing a review. Because honestly, why the fuck would anyone want to ponder a film like this?

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Drunk review: 50 Shades of Grey

Sober Rating: 1/5
Drunk Rating: 4/5

Introduction

Yes, you read the title right. Drunk review. What’s a drunk review in this case? Well I down a drink or two before the movie starts, then start watching the movie, and typing my thoughts down on it in real-time (occasionally pausing the movie if I have to write a lot, which is often, which tends to double the length, pleasure, and fun. Or misery, depending on how I take it. I consider those last two sentences to have better written satirical sex puns than the entirety of this fucking movie.

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