King Kong Escapes review

Rated: 2/5

Just a mini-review this time. Been doing more hobby-time programming than watching films, and trying to finish playing GTA V so I can write a review for it, but Rockstar Games is filled with a bunch of cocksuckers who try to impede anyone from finishing the game if they either don’t have a good online connection or do any modding whatsoever (ie I’m having a hard time finishing it for reasons that have nothing to do with procrastination or gameplay difficulty). But that’s a story for another day.

So first of all, that poster is bullshit. Mechakong doesn’t shoot any lazers the same way Mechagodzilla does. Second of all, no, this movie does not have a moment that looks that epic.

Anyway, I’ve been wanting to see this for a while ever since seeing a short clip of this when I was a child. With the new Kong movie out in theaters, and with Brandon Tenold putting up a review for it, I figured now is as good a time as any to watch it, especially before seeing his review.

So…

…this movie is dumb. The plot doesn’t make much sense when you think about it, MechaKong has no real reason for existing. Plenty of it is a rehash of the original 1930s Kong movie:
* he fight a T-Rex, winning by ripping his jaws open
* fights a giant snake
* falls in love with a white blonde

There are natives on Kong Island. Actually that’s a lie, there’s only 1 old geezer native, because I don’t think they had the budget to afford more than one. It doesn’t surprise me that much honestly. Have you seen the fucking Kong suit? I was laughing my ass off for 5 minutes straight when I first saw that thing. The Kong in King Kong vs. Godzilla looked better than this, and that was made 5 years earlier!

King Kong vs. Godzilla

 

King Kong Escapes

And the main villain. His name is Doctor Who. I shit you not, that’s his name. At first I thought I was mishearing things and his name was Doctor Wu, and I just pretended I was hearing Who just for shits and giggles. But when the end credits rolled, my dreams were realized. The villain’s name is actually Doctor Who.

There were a few things I had to put up with which tested my patience and temper with this film. The pace gets very slow once they get to the North Pole (no I’m not going to explain that plot point). That white blonde medic got on my nerves to the point where I wanted her to shut the fuck up. Christ, she’s almost as bad as those annoying little cunt kids who showed up in all the old shitty Gamera films, and in every other 60s-70s Godzilla flick. Oh who am I kidding, brats like that showed up in just about every Japanese monster film during that time period. It’s like it’s some culture requirement to have one annoying mouthy whining character in their monster films.

I was waiting for some miniature destruction, and I had to wait until the last 20 minutes to see it. Kong makes it to Tokyo. A bunch of mini toy tank rejects from superior Godzilla flicks show up. Miniature buildings are everywhere. I got excited and was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the destruction to commence. But then white blonde bitch and her 2 male sidekicks show up to stop the violence before it happens. “No Kong, you mustn’t attack people and inanimate objects! Stop it army, you mustn’t attack Kong or he’ll destroy everything!” And sure enough, they succeed.

THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT! I want my goddamn miniature destruction in a Japanese monster film damnit! That’s the main reason to watch these films! Then comes MechaKong to save the day, entering into the scene by destroying a building. That’s pretty much the only building that gets destroyed in this entire city. The apes duke it out for a little while in a so-so fight, and the mecha’s destruction is decent, but there’s nowhere near enough epicness to this fight to make it all seem worthwhile in the end. That being said, Kong does go apeshit (pun intended) on this evil overlord’s (Doctor Who’s) ship during the last couple minutes to grant me at least some satisfaction for miniature destruction.

So it’s ho-hum on the destruction and fighting. What else is there? Well, the unintentional hilarity, obviously. The evil villain laugh that comes after he literally says he wants to rule the world. The monster suits. The “realistic” doll. The shitty looking miniatures. They all manage to provide enough laughs to get me through this thing. Plus I’d like to think Kong: Skull Island took a but of influence from Kong facing off against an army of helicopters and throwing trees at them. Except the new movie actually did something with that.

So all in all, there’s much better monster films to watch besides this one, with better looking creatures and better model destruction. That being said, if you’re in the right mood to riff on a film, you could do worse than this one.

The Red Pill review

Rated: 3/5

Introduction

This is not a film I would normally watch. I’ve heard about some of the issues brought up in this film, but never paid them much mind. That changed a few months ago when I found out about the film. The film is basically a documentary on the MRA (Men’s Right’s Activists), and largely focuses on how men can also be the victim of domestic abuse and receive the shit end of the stick when it comes to divorces and custody battles over their children. What makes this documentary unique is that it was made by a (at the time) feminist named Cassie Jaye, who originally intended to make the documentary to cover the MRA, and show how biased, sexist, anti-feminist, anti-woman, etc. that they really are, only to have her views changed by the end of her journey. What made the film truly worthy of my attention is being subject to the one thing I absolutely fucking despise. Censorship. The form of censorship in this case being suppression.

Time for a brief history lesson in regards to this film.

The film was originally funded from Cassie Jaye’s usual funding sources (Feminist sources), but the funding was cut off when her sources found out about the direction she was going with the film. How she changed from being a feminist with the intention of casting a light on the misogynistic (and worse) nature of the MRA, to changing her views, no longer being a feminist, and becoming sympathetic to the plight of the MRA. After her original funding sources cut her funds, she went on Kickstarter to get the rest of the funds needed to finish her film, and the Kickstarter project was successful. Once she finished the film, she tried to get it released into theaters, but feminist groups launched campaigns to prevent the film from being released in theaters. And to an extent, they succeeded, with a combination of political and media pressure through various means, including a petition. Not to mention sites like The Guardian, and various bloggers, who twist the film into being something worse than it is.

But now here we are. On March 7, 2017, The Red Pill was released on video and VOD (I used Vudu to view the film). Any film that has been subject to censorship in one form or another has my attention. And any individual or group which deems it necessary to suppress a film for no good reason will have made an enemy out of me, and will suffer my wrath. In the form of bitching about it on a blog site.

So, onto the film.

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Get Out review

Rated: 3/5

I heard good things about this, being a horror movie and all. And I tend to be very skeptical of horror films, because most of them suck. As it turns out, this did nothing to surprise me in that regard, because I don’t think of this as a horror film. It’s a suspense/thriller, plain and simple. And it’s a solid one.

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Drunk review: 50 Shades of Grey

Sober Rating: 1/5
Drunk Rating: 4/5

Introduction

Yes, you read the title right. Drunk review. What’s a drunk review in this case? Well I down a drink or two before the movie starts, then start watching the movie, and typing my thoughts down on it in real-time (occasionally pausing the movie if I have to write a lot, which is often, which tends to double the length, pleasure, and fun. Or misery, depending on how I take it. I consider those last two sentences to have better written satirical sex puns than the entirety of this fucking movie.

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John Wick: Chapter 2 review

Rated: 3/5

Mind is feeling a bit fried after this one. So much action, so much shooting, all at a frenetic pace that doesn’t let up. That’s both a pro and a con. I do believe there is such a thing as too much action in a film. And I know I’m not the only one who thinks this, just ask any Michael Bay-hating asshole. I’ll get back to the overabundance of shoot-em-up beat-em-up action in a minute.

So, how does it compare to the first one? It depends on the mood I’m in. Could be considered better, could be considered worse, could be on-par. Either way it’s close. The first film was simple in concept and execution. Guy’s wife’s dog gets killed, he seeks revenge and gets it. Roughly 2-3 major action scenes which each last around 5 minutes, and a few smaller ones scattered about during the second half. The action scenes didn’t overstay their welcome, but the film starts to fatigue during the last 20 minutes. The stakes never really felt like they were being raised after a point, and the characters didn’t seem to be developing any further than we’ve already scene. Plus the first film kinda let’s us know where we’re headed during the opening act where it shows us a portion of the ending. At least it’s not as bad as that Thai film The Legend of Suriyothai, where it just flat out shows and tells us the main protagonist is going to get killed at the end of the movie. Makes it seem pointless to warn viewers that a review contains spoilers when a film does that. I’ll eventually get around to Suriyothai on a later date.

Anyway, this sequel, on the other hand, improves on some of those aspects. The plot develops in interesting ways, and the character’s fate is continually in question with the stakes being raised throughout. The motivation is less on the ridiculous side, but in all fairness I didn’t mind that aspect in the first film. Hell, the second film even builds upon that notion, on just how little it takes to set Wick off on a shooting rampage. But while as the theme of the last film was about grievances and the significance of the past, this film is all about the consequences of vengeance. A combination of sins of the past coming back to haunt Wick, as well as the consequences of his current actions damning him even further. It’s a theme which brings much more impact than the simplicity of the first film. A home burned. Doing a job he knows he shouldn’t do which sows consequences that he reaps soon afterwards. And much of this is complimented beautifully by the lighting and the set designs which are incredible at times. The scenery, the locations, they all drive home the mood and theme wonderfully. One of the best looking things I’ve ever seen in a film like this which has every right to be just another B action film, but elevated to a higher status because of it. It makes the night club sequence from the first film seem like warm up practice in comparison.

Lead the way DJ.

And the action scenes, pretty much on-par with those from the first film, but in greater quantity. The quality is generally a small step up. The takes are a tad longer, the shots less shaky and close, but they’re mostly similar to that of the first film. The biggest surprise when the first film came out is not only a film that actually manages to shoot action sequences very well (not enough films manage to do that, so it’s a pleasant surprise in that regard), scenes which managed to be realistic with the reloading and continual shooting of people in the head to take them down. Other than that, the main standout moment from the first film for me personally was second time Keanu Reeves faced off against Daniel Bernhardt.

“Hey John, you ever heard of Enter the Dragon?”

So what unique moments are in this film that provide unique moments that set it apart from the shoot-em-up beat-em-up style (I’ll just refer it it as gun-fu from here on) from the first film? Aside from the locations (which again, look fantastic) the action is shot at (yes, that’s a pun), there is a scene where we see Wick kill men “with a fucking pencil”.

And the actor/rapper Common, despite my reservations, actually does a decent job in the role and has some pretty fun one-on-one duels with Wick. Makes for a decent enough substitute for Daniel Bernhardt when filling out that kind of role. Although, all things considered, I really hope they pick Michael Jai White for a role like this next time if they make a sequel. Or Scott Adkins. Both those guys deserve to be in films that will actually respect and utilize their martial arts talent. Everyone else seems to fit in just fine. Well, mostly. I found Peter Stormare to be a tad bit distracting. However, his role is very brief and only in the opening moments, and meant more for tongue-in-cheek purposes and a callback to the Russian from the first film.

Then there’s the plot.

For those who give a shit about spoilers in a shoot-em-up film.

John Wick is more or less forced to do an assassination job to honor a blood oath. A job he didn’t want to do. He thought he was done with the past. But like Swearengen said in the previous film, “You dip so much as a pinky back into this pond… you may well find something reaches out… and drags you back into its depths.” I anticipated the sequel would build upon that line, and it didn’t disappoint. And upon completing a job he didn’t want to do, a job he knew was a bad one, killing someone he didn’t want to kill, that results in all hell breaking loose. And Wick seeks vengeance from there, as he usually does, and that only makes his predicament worse and worse, and he becomes more and more desperate as time goes on. What kind of worse are we talking about? In that a contract is put on John Wick (much like in the first film, only with a higher price on it), and many more assassins decide to come after him compared to the first film. So many more that he just can’t seem to handle it on his own.

Deadwood

He is left alone, seemingly friendless, without any allies to turn to, whether they be dead in the first film, or turned against him due to his actions by the end of this one. The world is against him. His dream of a peaceful life of retirement lies in ruins. How much is brought about because of his own actions from this film? How much because of the sins of the past? How much because he is damned by God (or the gods)? Where will he go from here?

Fallen so far from grace that Hell is upstairs.

Much of this message is strengthened by the visuals. The place of reflection of the soul, the villain standing among Greek gods, the digital fires showcasing Wick’s decent into the pits of hell, the griminess of the trash of the underworld, his fall from grace, the destruction he inflicts upon others and at these sacred sites, the blood he spills on holy ground. With little to nothing to show for it at the end, something foreshadowed early on when he gets his car back.  It’s mainly the visuals that are responsible for delivering this theme.  This movie wouldn’t be anywhere near as good as it is without these masterfully crafted and well-lit and well-shot sets.  This is the main aspect that elevates it above the first film.

“Do I look like I want a fucking taxi!?”

Visuals aside, things are kept straightforward. Less time is shown with contemplation of the past, and “feelings”, and speeches of “feelings” like in some brief moments of the first one. It’s mainly relegated to getting equipped, planning out attacks, escape routes, and other combat stuff. It makes the film deceptively shallow, the key word there being “deceptively”. There’s really only two (maybe three) points in the film where speeches are given that go into the theme and into Wick’s character, most of which are within the first half hour. Thankfully, like in the first film, there are some moments of dark humor. One such highlight is when Reeves and Common are shooting at each other with silenced pistols casually while trying not to distract the crowd around them. There’s a few subtle humor moments like that, where the film lets the audience know that it’s self-aware at how close it gets to being ridiculous, if not just crossing that line.

“Hey, wanna red pill?”

The problem I had with the film lies in two areas. The first is with regards to the action. There’s so much of it that it gets exhausting to get through. Not as bad as Hardcore Henry, but it’s still bad. Granted, one could make the excuse that the scenes are so well-shot you won’t care, or that it’s meant to be exhausting to showcase how exhausted Wick is getting, and that the few moments of reprieve Wick gets will also make the audience sigh with relief.

“How about you just give me a red and a blue pill?”

But that excuse can’t be made with the second problem I have. This film seems to take place in a world different from ours. Seriously, this doesn’t seem like society as we know it. I’m not talking about living in another sector of society we previously weren’t aware of, I mean that this world seems to be uninhabited by civilians and regular police officers. The first film at least managed to have some semblance of that. This film just decides to go into “fuck it” mode and just make just about everyone either an assassin, or aware that there are assassins. This becomes especially distracting during the end. I mean, I get it, it’s supposed to drive forth the theme that the world is against Wick, that he’s on borrowed time, etc. But this crosses that line of, “Well we’re supposed to laugh at this implausibility because the film is laughing with us.” That excuse becomes worn away before the end of the film. It does become ridiculous at times. It’s like back to watching fucking Battlestar Galactica.

You’re a cylon!  He’s a cylon!  She’s a cylon!  I’m a cylon!  My dog’s a cylon!  We’re all fracking cylons!

Despite the negatives, this is a solid film. It leaves it more open for a sequel than the first film does, and it’s a sequel I hope we get. A franchise like this seems like it would only be good for no more than 4 films. Even more than 3 could be pushing it. Because at this point it seems like it’s shown just about all of its bag of tricks when it comes to this gun-fu style of action. Unless it finds a way to mix the action up, the next sequel would have to be less in quantity and greater in quality when it comes to the action sequences. Otherwise it will make me get gun-fu fatigue faster than the Marvel films giving me superhero fatigue. What worries me is that it seems to end on a note which goes along the lines of, “You think this had enough action? You ain’t seen nothing yet!” Hope for the best.

Been feeling it since the Civil War.