King Kong Escapes review

Rated: 2/5

Just a mini-review this time. Been doing more hobby-time programming than watching films, and trying to finish playing GTA V so I can write a review for it, but Rockstar Games is filled with a bunch of cocksuckers who try to impede anyone from finishing the game if they either don’t have a good online connection or do any modding whatsoever (ie I’m having a hard time finishing it for reasons that have nothing to do with procrastination or gameplay difficulty). But that’s a story for another day.

So first of all, that poster is bullshit. Mechakong doesn’t shoot any lazers the same way Mechagodzilla does. Second of all, no, this movie does not have a moment that looks that epic.

Anyway, I’ve been wanting to see this for a while ever since seeing a short clip of this when I was a child. With the new Kong movie out in theaters, and with Brandon Tenold putting up a review for it, I figured now is as good a time as any to watch it, especially before seeing his review.

So…

…this movie is dumb. The plot doesn’t make much sense when you think about it, MechaKong has no real reason for existing. Plenty of it is a rehash of the original 1930s Kong movie:
* he fight a T-Rex, winning by ripping his jaws open
* fights a giant snake
* falls in love with a white blonde

There are natives on Kong Island. Actually that’s a lie, there’s only 1 old geezer native, because I don’t think they had the budget to afford more than one. It doesn’t surprise me that much honestly. Have you seen the fucking Kong suit? I was laughing my ass off for 5 minutes straight when I first saw that thing. The Kong in King Kong vs. Godzilla looked better than this, and that was made 5 years earlier!

King Kong vs. Godzilla
King Kong Escapes

And the main villain. His name is Doctor Who. I shit you not, that’s his name. At first I thought I was mishearing things and his name was Doctor Wu, and I just pretended I was hearing Who just for shits and giggles. But when the end credits rolled, my dreams were realized. The villain’s name is actually Doctor Who.

There were a few things I had to put up with which tested my patience and temper with this film. The pace gets very slow once they get to the North Pole (no I’m not going to explain that plot point). That white blonde medic got on my nerves to the point where I wanted her to shut the fuck up. Christ, she’s almost as bad as those annoying little cunt kids who showed up in all the old shitty Gamera films, and in every other 60s-70s Godzilla flick. Oh who am I kidding, brats like that showed up in just about every Japanese monster film during that time period. It’s like it’s some culture requirement to have one annoying mouthy whining character in their monster films.

I was waiting for some miniature destruction, and I had to wait until the last 20 minutes to see it. Kong makes it to Tokyo. A bunch of mini toy tank rejects from superior Godzilla flicks show up. Miniature buildings are everywhere. I got excited and was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the destruction to commence. But then white blonde bitch and her 2 male sidekicks show up to stop the violence before it happens. “No Kong, you mustn’t attack people and inanimate objects! Stop it army, you mustn’t attack Kong or he’ll destroy everything!” And sure enough, they succeed.

THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT! I want my goddamn miniature destruction in a Japanese monster film damnit! That’s the main reason to watch these films! Then comes MechaKong to save the day, entering into the scene by destroying a building. That’s pretty much the only building that gets destroyed in this entire city. The apes duke it out for a little while in a so-so fight, and the mecha’s destruction is decent, but there’s nowhere near enough epicness to this fight to make it all seem worthwhile in the end. That being said, Kong does go apeshit (pun intended) on this evil overlord’s (Doctor Who’s) ship during the last couple minutes to grant me at least some satisfaction for miniature destruction.

So it’s ho-hum on the destruction and fighting. What else is there? Well, the unintentional hilarity, obviously. The evil villain laugh that comes after he literally says he wants to rule the world. The monster suits. The “realistic” doll. The shitty looking miniatures. They all manage to provide enough laughs to get me through this thing. Plus I’d like to think Kong: Skull Island took a but of influence from Kong facing off against an army of helicopters and throwing trees at them. Except the new movie actually did something with that.

So all in all, there’s much better monster films to watch besides this one, with better looking creatures and better model destruction. That being said, if you’re in the right mood to riff on a film, you could do worse than this one.