Kong: Skull Island review

Now this is how you do a badass poster America!

Rated: 2/5

I’m having a hard time coming up with anything to say about this film.

Fuck it, I’ll just ramble (in the jungle).

It’s a reboot of the older King Kong film(s), making Kong bigger than ever, much like how they made Godzilla bigger than ever in the Gareth Edwards 2014 version. They made him bigger for the sake of giving him a fair chance in the upcoming King Kong vs. Godzilla movie that will supposedly be out in 2020 (vision). So long as it’s better than the last fucking King Kong vs. Godzilla movie where not only did King Kong win (oh, spoilers for any of you uptight assholes who give a shit; I’m doing you a favor by spoiling that for you), but he won by cheating by just making shit up and giving the finger to Godzilla and shoving it further up his ass than he did that tree down his throat. By putting the idea in some cunthole of a screenwriter’s head that lightning from storms powers up King Kong, allows him to heal and shoot electricity from his hands, and give him a handicap by stating that Godzilla’s weakness is electricity.

“Do you feel violated yet?”

WHATTHEFUCK!? How many fucking Godzilla movies did those assholes who made the 1962 VS movie watch!? Godzilla is the one who gets amped up by electricity! And that movie was made in Japan! So when they make the goddamn remake, Godzilla better win and kick King Kong’s ass to make up for this.

Tickle tickle tickle!

And in case you’re wondering, the reason why I’m bitching about this is because of the cocksucking post-credits scene where they set up for the Godzilla sequel (not King Kong vs. Godzilla, Godzilla 2, where he’ll fight Mothra, Rodan, and King Ghidora, because they decided he should go up against a bunch of flying motherfuckers and save the ground warfare for the Kong film), which in of itself sets up for a shared universe where Kong can fight Godzilla, in modern times. That’s more interesting to talk about and ponder about than this fucking film. It’s not that this film is completely terrible or anything. It’s just, meh. And that pisses me off even more! I wanted this film to be either fucking terrible or fucking great. But it’s neither. It’s just in the middle, at best. Some bland film that won’t be remembered over the years. The 70s Kong remake was more memorable than this.

“Fuck you for not liking this movie!”

One of the biggest reasons why this film is so bland is because the main monster(s) Kong gets to fight are uninspired. They look like what you would get if that 2-limbed lizard from the original 1933 King Kong movie fucked one of those weird beaked monsters from Fantastic Planet.

…plus this…
…equals this.

Granted, the monsters in the 2014 Godzilla film aren’t much more inspired than those things (one’s the Cloverfield monster, the other is a rip-off of Rodan), but at least Gareth Edwards knew how to pace his fucking movie and did a better job at creating tension and giving a better feel of scope. Not to mention there’s a bit of emotion gained from those monsters in that Godzilla movie, where we see those two monsters bond, and want to make babies. Plus how they connect to Godzilla and the world with the background that these monsters feed off of nuclear energy/radiation.

In this Kong: Skull Island film, the only connection we get is how the monsters and Kong create some sort of nature balance. That would be more effective if we could get a better feel for how the eco-system in Skull Island worked. Hell, the 1933 and 2005 Kong films did a better job of that than this film did, and those films spent less time of the fucking island! Ok, maybe not true for the 2005 version, but that’s because it’s 3 fucking hours long! And there aren’t even any fucking dinosaurs in this movie!

Ok, so there’s a skull of a triceratops, because fuck you for wanting to see living dinosaurs.

But hey, there is a giant spider that’s kinda cool with a couple cool FPS moments. And there’s that turdwood thing, and a giant octopus. But the sequences with those monsters are too brief to be appreciated. The bamboo spider was the only sequence that got even close to decent. Oh, right, and there’s a peaceful giant fucking yak.

Because why the hell not?

As for the highlights of the film, I guess the initial helicopter fight was decent enough. Though the line that comes afterwards, “Hey, we did the best we could for something we weren’t tactically prepared for,” bullshit to that. They made the same bullshit mistake they made in the 70s Kong movie, they needed to do a better job at keeping their distance.

I’ll admit, despite all the people he killed, I kinda felt sorry for him here.

And that fight showcased how much tougher they made Kong. He can take considerably more damage than in any other film he’s ever been in. That pretty much creates a situation where the soldiers and Loki and hot anti-war reporter chick (did I mention they decided to toss in an anti-war message in the midst of all this, as if there aren’t enough anti-war Vietnam era films out there to put forth the idea that war is hell and war is bad for everyone’s health) are incapable of killing Kong, so we are left to care for them and hope they survive. Except that I didn’t really give a shit about any of them to be honest. Their characters weren’t written well enough for that, not even crazy John C. Reilly. Closest I got to getting involved with a character was Samuel L. Jackson, who starts to go crazy and wants to kill Kong by any means necessary, but he’s not a character you’re supposed to give a crap about anyway because he ultimately becomes the antagonist, so there.

That leaves the pacing. It’s action scene after action scene after action scene, which sounds nice, but it gets tedious. I couldn’t get that invested in the action when it happened, save for the initial helicopter fight, and the spider bit. Say what you will about the Gareth Edwards Godzilla film, but when the action happened, you were begging for it. Because that film knew how to do buildup to each and every action sequence. This film, not so much.

So all in all, this film is just mediocre. Not really worth your time. I’ll give it credit for not just being a plot rehash of the other Kong films, but that’s the only real thing this movie has going for it. They beefed up Kong, put him into the monster universe at the last minute (it really felt out of place, even for a post-credits sequence), that’s all you really need to know. This film isn’t worth seeing in theaters.

PS: Have to admit, it did seem like they pushed the envelope for how much violence is allowed in a PG-13 film.  Seems like they should’ve gone R with this.

One thought on “Kong: Skull Island review

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