Get ready everybody, because this is one of those reviews where I become completely unhinged and truly live up to my politically incorrect label. I must bring balance to the force (and will likely do so again whenever I get around to reviewing Disney Star Wars IX: The Disney Hard-On).
Rated: 3.5 / 5
I’m not going to review these films one at a time in any sort of chronological order. I’m just going to bounce back and forth between the two semi-randomly. Because after seeing Godzilla 2019 (I’m not going to bother spelling the full title, especially since the Americanized version of the Gojira film from the 50s has the same title, with a fucking exclamation mark at the end), I must say that I am pissed. I can’t believe how bad this fucking movie is, especially compared to the 2014 (can’t believe it’s that old now) Gareth Edwards Godzilla flick. I mean, holy kaiju fuck is it bad. Could it be worse? Yeah, it could, but that wouldn’t make me appreciate it in its current state any more. Because this falls below the line of what it takes to be an adequate film by my standards.
Rated: 1.5 / 5
The entire time I was watching this 2019 film, I was bitching about 60% of the time (so roughly one, “what the fuck!?” or “that’s bullshit!” or “that’s stupid” or “this makes no sense” or “China and feminist and diversity propaganda” or related outburst every 5-10 minutes). And by the time the credits rolled, I was done. I didn’t really give a shit about any mid or post-credits scene which these fuckwads are so intent on doing to mimic the overrated (and cinema destroying, because fuck stand-alone movies) style of the Disney Marvel franchise. All I was thinking was how much the Gareth Edwards movie is better, and how it made me appreciate it more.
First, the stuff I mentioned in my analysis of the trailer for this film, and my predictions on what I would love or hate about the movie.
Ok, so right off the bat I’m not liking the trailer. Seriously, not joking here. They start out by showing a kid with binoculars on the roof of a building […] What’s wrong with all that? The kid, that is what’s wrong. Every single mother-fucking kaiju film in existence who has featured a kid somewhere in the movie has had their enjoyment level brought down a notch or two because of it.
Boy did I call the shit out of that prediction. This twat version of a Kenny (see Brandon Tenold’s Godzilla and Gamera reviews for what that term means; it has nothing to do with South Park) definitely brought down the enjoyment factor. Little Twat and Mrs. Bitch, her mother, both irritated the ever-loving fuck out of me (and that’s what I’m going to call them from here-on out, because fuck if I remember what their names are, and fuck if I’m going to bother wasting the effort of looking them up). These characters will only be memorable to me because of how dumb, annoying, insane, and bitchy they are, and how the plot/screenwriting exponentially made it all worse. To be fair, the entire script sucks a bag of dicks (like these women in Hollywood do who later call it rape and not getting ahead of the competition and advancing their careers the easy way), and all the characters approach the same level of bad. But they’re the worst of it. Then again, that could be just because I’m a half-assed misogynist (which makes my love of Ghost in the Shell and Aliens an anomaly).
But I’m not a half-assed misogynist for no good reason in this case. Holy Christ, the motivation Mrs. Bitch has. She–
Fuck this, I need a drink. This film pisses me off so much I can’t even discuss/type it without getting myself blasted. This is what drives men to drink and beat the shit out of their wives and girlfriends. They fuck up the movies, and the games too (believe me, a day will come when I’m going to get to that shit I wasted 30 fucking dollars on).
So Ms. Bitch’s plan is to use this Moby Dick device (or whatever the fuck it’s called) to sort of mind control these monsters, wake them up from their hibernation, and have them eradicate an insane amount of the human population (billions, and that’s low-barring it) before also eradicating each other (I guess; I’m just assuming the latter part because I don’t recall her expanding on that; for all I know, her plan may just have the monsters run around the planet and fuck everything up, and hope humans can survive alongside them). Why do this radical form of population control? Get ready for it, brace yourselves, strap in, keep all sharp objects away from you, because you might just fly into a fit of rage so great you’ll want to kill yourself and everyone around you after hearing this (though if you’re one of the chemical-haired SJW Greta Cunterberg Climate alarmists, forget the safety procedures I just listed and go ahead and just kill yourself; your body will do the soil good when it rots in there). Because the human population as it is now is doing so much damage to the planet and the environment and each other with all the war, pollution, and probably racism and sexism (the last two aren’t mentioned), that unleashing these monsters out into the world is a necessary evil to save it.
But what’s the upside? How do they save the world from pollution without fucking it up anymore? Oh, this is the best part. Because the radiation they emit from their bodies (understandable, as the 2014 film stated that these titans feed off of nuclear radiation, and were thus woken up in-part due to nuclear bombs and nuclear energy being produced by man) will allow plants and forests to grow back from the destruction they leave in their wake.
It was at this point I completely checked out. The dumbassery of this thing was too damn high. They want to shove a climate change and “change your violent ways or else The Day The Earth Stood Still” message so badly, so desperately, that they’re willing to push this bullshit logic of plants growing in a radioactive environment. And not even considering that the radioactivity will make everything worse (let alone Kaiju’s wandering around causing destruction). Nevermind that the Kaiju’s might just come out of hibernation naturally to do some form of natural (dictated by nature) self-correct course like they did in the last fucking movie!
While we’re on the topic, let me go over the plot excuse for monsters to show up in the last fucking movie. The last fucking movie is far more intelligent than this one, by comparison, by a longshot. First of all, it had Bryan Cranston in it, albeit, not in it long enough, lest he act circles around everyone, save perhaps for Ken Watanabe, who was wasted more than Cranston was, and he didn’t even die in that movie (but they sure decided to rectify that in the 2019 movie; spoilers by the way for the assholes who care). Second of all, it stated that these monsters began to show up around WWII when atom bombs were being dropped (plays well into the original Gojira film). And with more heavy reliance on nuclear energy in the present, it proved to be a more tempting and fertile ground for the “titans” of ancient yore to resurface. Add in to the fact that there needed to be a balancing act with the titans (dominant species and whatnot), and the fact that they normally stay buried and hibernated near the Earth’s core where it is radioactive, and you have at least a somewhat far-fetched yet believable (for schmucks like me) story of how kaijus can come around, get into fights, and cause a bunch of destruction that we as audiences love to see (fuck the people who die, we’re entertained by this shit!).
More simple, straightforward, and reasonable, yes? Leaving open the idea that more would resurface the more we rely and utilize nuclear energy. Am I the only one who sees the potential hear about how the question would arise that, the further we progress in technology and energy efficiency, the more we get different problems to deal with? That we have to decide how to deal with these new unforseen problems. Whether we try to live with these kaijus as a necessary evil, or try to eradicate them and hope that in turn doesn’t produce its own unforseen consequences? But nope, they had to shove a climate change agenda down our throats in the 2019 film, all the while completely ignoring the pink buttfucking elephant in the room about how this is just another form of mankind artificially trying to correct something viewed as a problem, while trying to pass it off as a natural method of restoring balance.
It fucking pisses me off because the potential was right there about unnatural means of affecting the balance. With Monster Zero (aka Ghidorah), and how that affects the balance of nature. In hindsight, it’s ironic to have a film about the upsides and downsides of humans forcefully affecting the balance of nature on Earth (and doing a poor job at it), while forcefully shoving a political agenda into this film. And it results in the same thing, a shitty planet and a shitty movie.
And, for fuck’s sake, Mrs. Bitch seemed perfectly fine with having her science team wiped out by the eco-terrorist group she decided to ally herself with, in addition to the people who would end up getting killed by the monsters. Plus she was fine with the eco-terrorist group wiping out everything at each research/containment station they visited to wake these monsters up. While on that topic, what the flying fuck was up with these Monarch outposts not have security good enough to repel these motherfuckers? And better yet, how the fuck was there not extra security at these places after the 2nd attack (let alone the first)? More dumbfuckery in service to the plot. This makes me so pissed just thinking about how fucking stupid the screenwriters are, it makes me want to put porn up in this review!
Alright goddamnit, what the fuck else should I cover from these films? The monster action! Right, about that. First when it comes to the introduction of these monsters, in the 2019 film. I will say it was good about it when it came to revealing Godzilla for the first time. This fast-paced film (fast-paced to fit all this dumbshit exposition when it’s not doing half-assed action) finally managed to slow itself down enough to allow the viewer to become relaxed and absorbed into a scene. When they’re in a submarine (of some futuristic kind that isn’t claustrophobic at all in any way) and viewing Godzilla.
That moment right there was the one moment I found myself enjoying the film somewhat. As nice as it is, the 2014 film did it better, with its introduction to Godzilla.
And say what you will about wanting for monster action out of the 2014 Godzilla flick, at least it had you begging for it, salivating for the next moment the monsters would appear, let alone clash. And it at least had a decent plot with decent progressions and (somewhat) decent characters. I’ll admit, the main protagonist of the 2014 film isn’t anything to write home about, especially in the acting department. But I’ll take a guy who seems disinterested and only (tries) to act when he has to over some schmuks that try to chew scenery but choke on it. The point is, I couldn’t wait for the next moment the monsters would show up in the 2014 film. In the 2019 film, it got to a point where I just didn’t give a shit. The buildup and anticipation just wasn’t there.
And when we do get monster action, as far as the 2019 film goes, it’s a mixed bag. There are some moments that are good, and some that are just meh. It got very annoying during the final fight when they did a air landing at this stadium; very close to where the monsters were fighting I might add, which is fucking stupid, because you’d think they would land at least a mile away from the action before doing their search for the missing girl; yeah, they went for that trope too, and I just kept hoping beyond hope that Ms. Twat would fucking die. And she should’ve fucking died, 3 fucking times! Once when Ghidorah decimaded the stadium structure she was in, once when running down the stairs and a large block of concrete hit her, and once fucking more when the entire house she was hiding in got fucking destroyed, except for the fucking bathtub she hid in which somehow someway stayed intact amidst all this (Bull-Fucking-Shit!). GOD-FUCKING DAMNIT, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
Say what you will about it being bullshit with the protagonist from the 2014 film getting rescued by helicopter in time to avoid the nuclear explosion, that’s far more believable than this shit. Plus I just wanted this annoying bitch to die. Not only because I knew she was going to survive this shit, but also because she escaped a secure eco-terrorist facility, with a completely unguarded Moby Cock monster controlling device, effortlessly. Seriously, no guards, no cameras, no nothing, stopped her from escaping and doing some bullshit at a sports stadium which also had zero guards stopping her from entering a somehow still operational control room (in the middle of an evacuation and crisis; seriously, screens were on and power was supplied and everything) in order to stop the monsters from wrecking havoc.
There’s also dumbfuckery about how Watanabe’s character Dr. Serizawa has to perform some act of self-sacrifice with a nuclear bomb because there’s too much radiactivity for machines to do it for him, along with a convenient malfunction with the sub missile launchers. So apparently he can survive radiation long enough without his eyeballs melting out of his sockets and rolling onto the launch/fire/activate button (which would’ve at least been entertaining in the “this film knows it’s ridiculous and it’s running with it trying to be entertaining with a self-awareness” kind of way) in order to have a “moment” in the movie. Ugh, Jesus Christ.
And speaking of Serizawa, this fucking movie has the balls to bring up the oxygen destroyer plot device, claim that the Americans created it, and use it on the monsters while they’re fighting. For any of you people who watched this movie without seeing the original Gojira, or even Americanized Godzilla: King of the Monsters! movie, first of all, fuck you. Second of all, this is a slap in the face to the original movie. Because in the original Japanese version, and the Americanized version of it, the Japanese scientist in that movie, Dr. Serizawa, was the guy who created the oxygen destroyer. And this cocksucking piece of shit movie has the balls to have Americans be the ones not only creating it, but using it to no real effect, in this movie, while having a Japanese guy named Serizawa in this film. GODDAMNIT FUCK THIS FUCKING MOVIE UP IT’S SJW KAIJU WANNABE ASSHO–!!!
The thing is, the 2014 film at least had a somewhat respectful moment between Serizawa and this American army general. The general wanted to use an atomic bomb against Godzilla, and Serizawa showed him this watch, which he said was a reminder of the end of WWII when the Americans dropped the bombs on Japan. That was a decent moment. Not as powerful as it could’ve been, but adequate enough. Indicated some respect for the Japanese, and the theme of atomic energy that ties into the Godzilla mythos. But this film says fuck-all to that.
Oh right, the monster action. So the 2019 film has it, technically. But it’s not as satisfying as the monster action we get in the finale of the 2014 movie. Yeah, there’s less of it in that film, but it has a few moments that are seared into my memory because of how awesome they are. Plus it at least has the decency of providing the wide shot takes, without shakey cam, showing these monsters attacking each other without some cheap quick cuts close-ups. Those precious few moments made the entire monster clashes feel worthwhile. In the 2019 movie, it tried to bring up some moments that would be memorable in a similar vain. But the manner in which it showed the final fight, it’s more of a cock-tease than the 2014 film. The 2014 film had the decency of having the big moments, the epic monster moves, the highlight of a mash-up, be shown in all it’s glory pulled back for the audience to see without dumb camera tricks. The 2019 flick, it had tail swipes among other things that should’ve been awesome done in a close-up background shot with humans in the foreground. It’s as if they took the way wrong lesson to be learned from the 2014 film.
They had a drop from the sky moment, a tail sweep moment, and a couple Mothra moments. But there wasn’t really any build-up, hardly any (maybe even zilch) anticipation for those moments. Say what you will about he 2014 film, but Gareth Edwards took everyone to school when it came to build up and anticipation for moments, and delivering on them. You could say there weren’t enough moments in the movie to make up for the rest, but I doubt anyone will disagree with the few moments that the film had were fucking awesome. The 2019 film, hardly any build up or anticipation for the monster encounters, and what “moments” there were weren’t shot or delivered all that well. Not to mention how they came off when they played remixes of the original classic Godzilla music tracks from the Japanese releases. They came off as pretentious pricks!
If you want to take a lesson in how to do a kaiju monster fight in a Godzilla flick, I would strongly suggest the movie Godzilla vs. Megaguirus. That has the best Godzilla fight I’ve seen in a movie, bar-none. The movie itself may be so-so, and it also has a female protagonist who I find irritating, but by God did that final fight make up for everything else! The 2019 film, not by a long-shot.
That oxygen destroyer device didn’t really do jack shit. That’s about as insulting as Godzilla going overpowered at the end of the movie. The original film actually had Godzilla get killed from that device. As for the overpowered moment, that’s ripped straight out of Godzilla vs. Destroyah, a film so good the 2019 movie doesn’t deserve to lick its the boots. It also ends up being another one of those moments of being overpowered without consequence. The vs. Destroyah movie at least had the decency (let alone the plot and thematic tie-ins) to have consequences with something like that. My recommendation is skip this piece of shit, watch the original Gojira movie (not that Americanized King of the Monsters! version with Raymond Burr, though that is an acceptable alternative if you can’t get the Japanese original), then watch the entire Heisei series (basically all the 80s and 90s Godzilla flicks). That’s probably the most rewarding and worthwhile experience when it comes to Godzilla. There’s also the cheesy as hell 60s and 70s movies, and the amusing 2000s flicks (which honestly aren’t half bad, especially if you don’t mind a final film that is the king of cheesiness and rifftrax-worthy entertainment). There are some films in all of the above (including Heisei) that end up being terrible films (especially Godzilla’s Revenge); but in my opinion, even the worst of those is far more entertaining than this movie, especially the Heisei films (easily the strongest of the series).
I can’t think of much else to say or bitch about. The 2019 film was pretentious with its climate emergency preaching, and some subtle (sort of) inter-racial diversity messaging, and didn’t have anywhere near enough good moments to make up for that (let alone its dumb as shit script). And the 2014 film may be a bit slower than what people hope for, Bryan Cranston being replaced by a lesser protagonist, so-so characters that are largely forgettable (but at least not irritating); but at least it had great memorable moments and a decent enough plot to pull through. At the very least, the 2019 film is an example of rushing scenes too much; the 2014 film is an example of how to build-up to moments with some amount of pay-off.
I’m not looking forward to the King Kong vs. Godzilla movie. After this debacle, and considering the current state of Hollywood demanding that films shove political agendas into every major blockbuster that gets released, I have no faith whatsoever in that movie. None whatsoever. Zip, nada, zippade-fucking-doo-da. The 2014 movie is good. The 2019 movie can suck by diarrhea dripping ass.