Sonic the Hedgehog (1996, 2020) dual film review

2020 movie rated: Fuck You / 5

Wokeness: 3 / 5

These types of films can suck my nuts. The same bullshit they pulled with Masters of the Universe, Super Mario Bros., the Smurfs, the Chipmunks, and Rocky & Bullwinkle, they now pull with this film. That whole fucking trend of taking a classic (for better or worse) 1980s or earlier animated television series, and take the major characters from it and put them in a setting that’s completely different from the original fucking show. If it’s not on Earth, by God they’ll find a way to put these cocksuckers on fucking Earth where every other fucking person wants to die from depression because of how everything is going to hell. If it was on Earth, they’ll put them someplace that’s out of the norm from their regular adventures from the original series. Fuck anyone and everyone who contributes to this trend, up their dispassionate committee-ridden assholes. The only film I recall seeing where they at least took the time and effort to get the setting right was The Flinstones (1994). You can say what you want about the story and acting and dialogue and jokes being mediocre at best, shite at worst, at least it felt like it was true to the original show as far as the setting and characters went.

Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in this movie?

This fucking 2020 film though, that not only has the balls to call itself a Sonic movie, but also garnered sympathy points by trying to make us all feel like they care. “You think we fucked up this character because we gave him teeth? Oh, we’re sorry. We’ll spend thousands of dollars remodeling the necessary shots to make him appear less humanoid and more animal. Obviously something people like us who are totally passionate about this iconic Sega character should’ve caught onto from the get-go like how we should’ve known how this character is full of attitude and is based in an environment about technology destroying nature and Sonic’s fight against it. But we won’t pay attention to the latter because doing surface level cosmetics will be enough to win you all over, because we only care about a return on our investment.”

This is not what a Sonic movie should be. Even when it was taking place at the actual world that looked like it was straight out of the videogame it didn’t seem like what a Sonic movie should be. Raised by a fucking Ga’Hoole owl? By a single mom no less? Get eaten out by a robofish. It should not be this fucking hard to get something like this right, especially when the original game had a green peace “Save the Earth” message. That twat Greta Cunterberg would be endorsing this movie if done right, which would’ve gotten butts in seats from those asshole leftist earth munchers, and the derpshit right-wingers who actually played the game. But then again, they probably would’ve been forced to turn Robotnik’s mustache from red to orange if they did that. Anything to make it as trendy as leftists want as opposed to just being a time capsule of a game-to-film done right that isn’t called Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie (Japanese with English subs only!), or Clue.

What should an actual honest-to-God Sonic the Hedgehog movie be? Well it sure as shit shouldn’t be a glorified road-trip movie done because Sonic is lonely and in need of a friend on a planet that he wasn’t born on being threatened by a villain who is nothing like his videogame counterpart outside of using a few machines. The same goddamn formula this fucking film used in that 2011 movie Hop, which starred the same fucking white guy. Only this time around, because we gotta be pro-diversity now and have less white couples together in a healthy wholesome relationship, so he’s gotta have a black girlfriend/fiance who already has black children.

It shouldn’t be your problem because this fucking issue doesn’t belong in a fucking Sonic movie, not even subliminally.

And that’s the problem with forcing the Sonic franchise to be generic for the sake of a generic plot in a generic Earth setting. They literally have to cut his legs out from under him, making him weak and wobbly to justify him needing to ride in a fucking vehicle he should be able to leave in the dust (along with anything being driven at Nascar). I mean, for fuck’s sake, Sonic should be on the same tier as the vehicles in Speed Racer or Redline! He should be the fucking cop-like protector of peace rescuing people from robot overlords! And he should be this way from the get-go! I am sick and tired of these goddamn origin/intro tales to these characters which none of us have ever needed. Anytime we get introduced to them for the first time in pretty much anything outside of a Hollywood film (at least pre-2010s), they’re already skilled and kicking ass, already hanging with most of their main crew/friends, already full-powered shy of collecting chaos emeralds and going supersonic. Can’t these fucking films be made with the assumption we can be dropped in the middle act and trusting us enough to catch on to everything else along the way? That’s what Sonic SaTaM did back in the 90s! And it was awesome (and better than any show Mario ever did)! On that note, this film doesn’t deserve this implied jab at Mario that it did, with that whole “Mushroom Kingdom” jab, which would’ve been great fun in a better film.

I found it difficult to care with this movie. They could’ve picked any other kind of animal and made an original movie out of it and nothing would’ve changed. Hell, why not to a remake of the fucking American Rabbit? That would’ve made more sense than this, and it would stay true to their unoriginal formula of having a bunny road trip movie. They still would’ve fucked that up and not be true to the original source material, but who really gives a fuck about the original source material for that movie? Anything that’s in this film that can be considered true to the Sonic lore (or whatever you call it) is just teased at in this movie. Because that’s all these films do, put just enough teasers in it to leave old helpless Sonic fans begging for more and get those dumb schmucks to pay for it, while still keeping it neutral enough to put in whatever bland story and characters with budget constraints and little effort for the mindless dime-a-dozen screenwriters to put out in the hopes of making a buck. There is nowhere near enough passion in this film for it to work, not by a longshot. And no one will convince me otherwise that Jim Carry is completely miscast as Robotnik (I knew that would be the case when I heard about the casting choice, the movie trailer confirmed my suspicions, and watching the film cemented it).

I’m the recognizable mascot. Gotta love me!

If this had been called something else, and not based on any recognizable franchise (or on any franchise for that matter, God forbid they at least try to act original while ripping something else off), this would’ve been more watch-able for me. And all these dumbfucks out there are all saying, “Chill out dude, it’s just a mov–“. NO! FUCK YOU PEOPLE! Popular franchises that earned their reputation with honest-to-God skill/talent/fun/passion that created a generation of fans who aren’t cucks deserve better than that. Settling for something like this is settling for less. And why the hell should I settle for less when there’s an actual Sonic the Hedgehog movie that exists that is much more true to the spirit of this videogame character? That’s like saying we should all settle for that JCVD Street Fighter movie when the anime film version exists. Bullshit we have to settle for this!

Rated: 3.5 / 5

Wokeness: 1 / 5

I gotta tell ya, nothing makes one appreciate a film like this more than seeing just how much worse it can be. Back in the day, I thought this was just mediocre. I wanted something more along the lines of the plot to Sonic 3 & Knuckles (the Sega game, with that add-on cartridge thing that was awesome, and only really used for that game).

I regret giving this away.

About how Sonic was collecting the chaos emeralds that Robotnik wanted, and those emeralds are tied to this island in the sea where Knuckles resides. And Knuckles allies with Robotnik to take the emeralds back from Sonic in the hopes of restoring his island back to the way it was, not realizing that Robotnik is the real enemy. While Sonic and Knuckles are clashing with each other, we find subtle hints about a prophecy indicating the chaos emeralds will make Sonic go Super to defeat the evil and restore the island back to its original state, of being an island in the sky. Sure it was cheesy, but it was also epic. I wanted something like that in a Sonic film. My expectations were high.

The film didn’t fulfill those expectations, but it was alright for what it was. At least Sonic was Sonic, Tails was Tails, and Knuckles was, well, acceptable enough. Robotnik was fine as well. The film, despite having a couple strange choices for characters and settings, did enough to feel like a Sonic film. To be an actual Sonic film. There was none of that, “I’m so lonely, I need a friend,” bullshit. It was Sonic saving the world from Robotnik and his machines. It’s not difficult to fuck that up, and the film managed not to do that, which is more than I can say for that other film released in one of the worst years in entertainment industry history (one of the worst years… so far).

2020 can fuck off!

The sequence where you can tell this film was having a lot of fun with itself, while staying true to the game to the point where it’s goofy, is when they enter this zone where game music starts playing, jump pads are used, and traditional Sonic enemies show up. It’s so close to how the game would be to the point that it’s laughable. Why is there a jump pad? Who cares? It was in the game!

Anime GIF
You see? It can be done!

But the absolute peak of this film (ok, more like a 2-part OVA series combined into one movie) is the fight between Sonic, Tails and Knuckles against Metal Robotnik. The music, perfect. The shots an sequences, fantastic (especially that first-person perspective when running through these tunnels while Robotnik is blasting them). God that was a great action scene. And while that may have been the peak of the whole film, the second half which is basically a fight against (Hyper) Metal Sonic is good too.

If there’s any fault I did have with this film, aside from wanting greater ambitions, is the voice work for the dubs. Let’s just say they could’ve been better, especially for Tails, who sounds like he has a cold the entire movie. On the other hand, if you listen to the original Japanese audio (which does bring a more serious tone to the overall film), Tails goes from cold-nose to Ms. Squeaks. It’s one of the squeakiest fucking childish voices I’ve ever heard in my life. Pick you poison.

There is one moment in this film though that makes me wonder if George Lucas saw this film and ripped it off. Seriously, there’s this moment with a volcano and lava, and Sonic, and Metal Sonic, that looks like it came straight out of Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith.

Tumblr: Image
And thus Darth Metal Sonic was born.

I’m not going to lie, as much as my appreciation for this thing has grown over the years (and is at a peak at this point), this is not a perfect film, not by a longshot. A few characters can be annoying at times. I often wonder why they went with this monkey girl princess instead of Amy as the potential Sonic love interest (in a one-way relationship, because he’s not interested, MGTOW FTW). It also has a fucking owl in it (but at least it’s not some random bitch who raised Sonic, he’s just some crazy old coot whose a hoot). It could’ve been closer to the Sega Genesis games (I’m nitpicking at this point). Robotnik could’ve been more intelligent and logical with his plans, and be more devious than he was (in all honesty though, this struck a good enough balance between goofball and threatening). And the animation could’ve been better (it was fine, just wanted A+ quality instead of B+). And the pacing could’ve been better.

Seriously, what the fuck is up with these owls showing up in these Sonic movies?

But all in all, this is solid enough entertainment to fill 1 hour (seriously, it’s only 1 hour in length). And is still the best Sonic movie out there, by a mile. Hell, it’s one of the best videogame adaptations that managed to stay close enough to the source material (at least in terms of setting and main characters).

Every face expression possible with regard to looking towards the future.

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