Are you ready for some football? I’m not. I’ve never really been a football fan. WWF/E, MMA, and Ice Hockey are my preferred sports for viewing. But regardless, it’s difficult to avoid football when it’s America’s most popular sport, and when my dad watches it religiously. Plus there’s the Super Bowl. So I get caught up in a game or two off and on. But lately, as it’s been impossible to avoid for the past several months, these cocksucking players do their kneeling bullshit, to the delight of the coaches apparently, and it’s all for bullshit reasons. So, I’ve decided it fitting to review 2 films where football players get killed on the field.
Rated: 2.5/5 Yes, I’m implementing a decimal system in my ratings now. Don’t worry, it’s always going to be rounded to the nearest 0.5. There won’t be any 2.1s, 4.7s, etc.
“Now this being the 90s you can’t just walk up to a guy and smack him in the face. You gotta say something cool first, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah, like ‘I’ll be back.'”
“Yeah only better than that. Like if you hit ’em with a surfboard you would say–“
“‘Surf’s up pal!'”
“Yeah, something like that.”
So the film begins with Billy Blanks, playing a football player, taking a pistol out on the field and blowing away a few tacklers before reaching the goal and then blowing his own head off. Guess he wasn’t shooting any blanks. Great start!
Anyway, this all starts off the plot of the film, making the viewer wonder, “What? Why?” and how it’s all connected to Bruce Willis’ case. And Bruce Willis here, well, this is one of those roles he could play in his sleep, and it looks like he is playing it in his sleep most of the time. But let’s face it, 90s Bruce Willis could get away with that because he wasn’t old and tired (more than usual) back then, and still oozed charisma and coolness that made everyone want to take on a bald or short-hair look, before neo-nazis made a comeback.
And then there’s Major Payne, played by Damon Wayans. He definitely tries, he makes a legit effort to act well in this role, but he’s just so-so at best.
The film goes into topics about how heartless the NFL corporation is. That they really don’t care about the players, they only want money, blah blah blah.
To be honest, that’s the best I can describe this movie. So-so. It’s decent and entertaining enough, but I do think it’s good enough to have earned this cult-favorite status. A couple action scenes are fun, but most are just meh. The chemistry and interactions between the two leads aren’t as satisfying as I hoped they would be. Sure it has Bruce Willis and one of the Wayans brothers in it, and sure it also has some faggot named Milo getting butchered by helicopter blades.
Wait a minute…
There’s a gay guy who’s the main villain in a Bruce Willis film and his name is Milo!? Oh, I’m going to have some fun with this.
So Milo plays an asshole who is responsible, either indirectly or directly, for the deaths of a black woman and a police officer in this film. And on top of that he wants to assassinate the Senator. On top of that, he’s likely jealous of this bromance between Bruce and Damon because he wants to suck Damon’s cock, because there’s nothing like the thick throbbing black NFL player dick. And lastly, he just might enjoy rap music. He must be stopped! And if football players can’t stop him, there is only one person who can. Bruce fucking Willis!
So Bruce Willis kills Milo, saves the day, and saves feminists and football players so that can continue bitching and playing. Come to think of it, many, including Roger Ebert, have called this film sexist with its depictions of women. With this one football star trying to force a woman to blow him, that asshole senator whipping a woman just because, and Bruce trash-talking his wife (though in all fairness she is a cheating bitch and she wanted Bruce to trash talk her, so…).
Now for things to get animated.
So this anime is basically a glorified remake of Robocop. It’s not a complete retread of that film, it takes the concept of making a man into a machine in different directions than Robocop did, so it becomes it’s own unique thing. But the plot does revolve around a criminal linked to a corporation taking out a private detective who gets reworked at a “special” hospital and then goes out to fight crime. But that’s where the similarities end.
With that introduction out of the way, let’s get to the part I’ve been wanting to get to. Yes, there is football in this. And it is fucking glorious.
With that out of the way, to be honest, this is actually a pretty decent anime. It has an intriguing plot that doesn’t treat the audience as stupid. For a while there, I was thinking the film would try to pretend that we’re not supposed to know who 8 Man is, even though the main protagonist gets (nearly) killed prior to his appearance. Thankfully, it’s not long after 8 Man’s first appearance that we see the protagonist hacking into a computer terminal using his abilities (in a way that’s also ripped off from Robocop), and we see that he has become a cyborg.
But the similarities don’t stop there (so I lied earlier, sue me). To my surprise, this also adapts another plot element from Robocop 2, thus in essence becoming a combination of both films. The bad guys need drugs in order to maintain themselves after getting robotic parts. Without the drug, their body won’t be able to power their cybernetic parts and will eventually shut down. Think if it as a necessary shot of adrenaline in order to function. But like most drugs, there are side effects, such as addiction and going completely fucking crazy and wanting to kill a bunch of people. Thankfully for 8 Man, he has access to a drug that is more clean and pure, without the bad side-effects. So unlike Robocop 2, our protagonist needs this drug too in order to function. The downside to getting “improvements” installed to your body.
But what really surprised me is that the villains aren’t superhuman, in that they can’t be killed by anyone other than 8 Man. The cops actually take down a few of these thugs. A bullet to the head (or two) works just fine. So the film maintains an acceptable amount of believably (by my standards anyway, take that as you will considering this is an anime).
In regards to the plot, there aren’t really any surprises or twists or anything like that. The film is fairly straightforward, but has enough interesting stuff in it to maintain the viewer’s interest. Plus, 90s anime animation style is a dead breed, which is a pity. I miss this style of animation. It was bad enough that it got replaced with this more cartoony look we’ve had for the past decade, but now it’s getting even worse with this weird CG style which I believe they are doing simply because it’s easier. No longer is hand-drawn needed. No longer do we need simple cell-shaded style. Now we get this weird CG shit. I wouldn’t take such issue with it if it wasn’t for the fact that it seems to be replacing all other forms. At least Studio Ghibli is still dishing out some decent styles, for now.
So anyway, if you haven’t seen it, check it out. It’s worth a watch.