Sonic, and Zombies, and Sexhogs, oh my!

So for those of you who thought I was going to review some classic horror film for the Halloween season, something like John Carpenter’s Halloween, or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Puppet Master, etc, think again.  That’s too typical, and you’ve likely seen those films already (though that doesn’t mean I won’t review them sometime down the road).  Oh no, fuck that traditional bullshit, I’m reviewing Sonic the Hedgehog stuff that can be considered Halloween-ish.  And best of all, they can all be seen, for free, on buttfucking YouTube (I hate that site with their goddamn censorship and liberal bias, but they have the most content, so…).

So as you can tell by the title, this is going to be a Sonic Halloween theme.  Now, there is technically a Sonic movie, made in the 90s, and it’s just so-so yet faithful to the feel of the games (which is more than I can say for the Super Mario Bros. movie, so those plumbers can keep sucking dick the way they suck Mario golf balls through a drainpipe for all I care).  But that’s not what I’m reviewing today.  Why?  Because it’s Halloween, and I found this web-series far more entertaining than any other Sonic product as of late.

But first, an appetizer.

Entry #1: Sonic: Night of the Werehog

So it’s ok for what it is.  Basically a glorified promotion for the game Sonic: Unleashed, which I heard was just a so-so game.  Haven’t been too interested in Sonic games since Sonic Adventure 2 (though I’m eventually going to have to give Sonic Mania a shot).  So Sonic and some pincushion I’ve never seen or heard of outside of this film explore a haunted mansion for some reason.  Probably for the adventure of it all, hence why 2 kids arrive earlier just to see if there is anything scary there.  Turns out there is, 2 ghosts with a camera trying to take picture of the victims they scare for the sake of gaining the adoration of this ghost princess.

So when sonic and the adorable pincushion wimp show up, guess who the ghosts decide to target for the scares first?  The fuzzy one obviously.

Fuck jump scares, they’re only useful for parody montages like this if they aren’t going to be a rare occurrence.

They waste no effort in taking every opportunity to scare the ever-loving-shit out of this pink furball that only exists to be adorable when it is scared, or not scared, so obviously I felt no sympathy for this thing when all this started happening to it.  Hell, not even Sonic gave a shit (just wait for the ending, even the creators didn’t give a shit).  This pleases ghost princess, but she becomes dissatisfied when the ghosts fail to scare Sonic himself.  So they attempt to challenge/scare him, but for some reason, out of the blue, with no explanation given other than the presence of the full moon, sonic transforms into a fucking werewolf, er, werehog!

So awesome it’s taunting Zack Snyder to adapt this into a full-length feature film.

So Sonic the Werehog and these ghosts duke it out in an amusing but not entirely fulfilling fight (I mean, when the entire film is only 11 minutes long, what do you expect?), Sonic eventually wins, and then proceeds to leave the mansion with his fuzzball buddy.  However, the ghost princess has taken a liking to Sonic (as foreshadowed by her liking for pictures of people being scared shitless decorating one side of her room, and images of werewolves decorating the other side of her room), and decides to go with him, and get the last picture with him.  She does this by impersonating Sonic’s fuzzball friend.

Which is nice and all, Sonic getting the girl and walking off into the sunrise (and for some reason staying as a werehog, later getting very very frisky and having hardcore animal sex with the ghost; I’ll let your imaginations run wild as to how fucked up that’s going to be; there’s a reason I went there).  But then wait a minute–  What the hell happened to Sonic’s fuzzball friend?  Oh, he got kidnapped and tied up by the ghost princess and left to his fate with the other ghosts in the mansion.  Jesus Christ, I think that’s more fucked up than the sexhog sex.



Alright, warmup’s over.  Let’s get into this.  It’s the Sonic Zombie series created by Balena Productions.



Entry #2: Sonic Zombie Origins (part 1 of 7 in the Sonic Zombie series)

First off, the image still above for the preview of this episode used to be a tad bit different, actually showing Sonic groping Rogue’s boobs as opposed to being off to the side.  Fucking YouTube.

Anyway, as you’ll tell within the first second (let alone the first minute) of this video, this is not made professionally.  Far from it.  It’s amateur, rough around the edges, and damn proud of it.  None of the characters are loyal to their videogame counterparts, and Sonic drives a hummer rather than run around like the speed freak he is (supposed to be).  Tails is an illegal immigrant Mexican who is obsessed (demonically) with tacos, Knuckles is an Eddie Murphy gangster, Shadow is something, Amy is obsessed with Sonic (“Sonic, will you make me a woman?”), the bunny sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger (and no I couldn’t spell that right without looking it up), Rogue can fight and has boobs, and Sonic is a douche bag.  And this group of seven make up our main characters for this series.  Some would live, some would die and then come back to life again.

And in this episode, everyone gets together for Christmas, while zombies from Half-Life show up in Garry’s Mod to fuck up their festive gathering.

So they go all Night of the Living Dead and start barricading themselves into their house.

Meanwhile Eddie Knuckles gets bitten and starts hallucinating Mike Myers.

Eventually they have to leave the house and get to the airport to try and get away, until a giant fuck-off alien-saurus shows up, and they all seem doomed.  But Sonic knows that there is one thing that can save them all.  Rogue’s boobs!

No she isn’t planning on beating the monster to death with her tits (though I would absolutely love to see her try).  Oh no.  Sonic can go supersonic by feeling up a girl’s boobs.

Anyway, it’s at this point you should know what you’re in for.  This series is stupid, ridiculous, makes up the rules as it goes along, immoral, sacrilege to the Sonic lore (more-so than any official game-to-film adaptation ever made).  And I fucking love it.  It’s so ridiculous and immature and creative that I’ve gotta laugh at it.  It’s seems like it’s written by a 10 year old and narrated by someone with the same mindset and this allows for just about anything to happen.  So many memorable moments, especially the stereotypes.  And this series is just getting started.


Entry #3: Sonic Zombie Vengeance (part 2 of 7 in the Sonic Zombie series)

While this may be part to, there are some mini-episodes that I like to call 1a, 1b, and 1c that bridge the gap between these two videos.  Dumb shit happens in them, as usual, and it’s not going to make any more sense of the plot, so it’s up to you if you want to take a look into those.  As for this particular episode, the main highlight of this one is that the werehog makes an appearance, and so does Dr. Robotnik (aka Eggman).  Except the werehog is a sexhog, and Robotnik is Robo-fat-fat-fat-fucknik (and he’s Russian).  And the thing about sexhogs, aside from being bigger badder and stronger that a hedgehog, they are also a lot friskier.  So they basically want to have sex with anything.  So Sonic the Sexhog ends up fucking Robofatfucknik to death.  Seriously, that happens.

And since the sexhog is horny as fuck, you know what that means…

While not as overall hilarious as the previous episode, what it lacks in quanitity it makes up for in quality (sort of).





Entry #4: Sonic Zombie in Space (part 3 of 7 in the Sonic Zombie series)

And like most horror franchises, this eventually went into space.  And there is a fabulous payoff to the sexhog here.  But first, after they go to space, they land on a space station that has clones of all our main characters.  They all eventually get loose, and the Shadow clone has a time with Rogue.

Yep, it went there.

And then Sonic and Robofatfucknik get into a lightsaber duel (oh this is awesome).

And the sexhog clones rape each other.

There’s other things that happen, but I wouldn’t want to spoil everything now would I?






Entry #5: Sonic Zombie the Finale (part 6 of 7 in the Sonic Zombie series)

Final entry (except the one video that comes after this).  And yeah, I’m skipping several videos to get to this one.  Go watch the rest of the damn videos if you want to know what’s in them.  And, uh, I’d rather just have the images do the talking.




So this is an entertaining series where the entertainment spawns partly from the “no fucks given” attitude of how cheaply this is made, and how virtually every character is a (racial) stereotype of someone, has some fabulous over-the-top moments, and some legit moments of well-thought-out humor.  Plus, even if it’s not loyal to the Sonic franchise at all, it’s certainly something I would choose over Sonic Boom (fuck that show).  It’s not for everyone, but you have to at least try out the first 10 minutes of episode 1 just to see if it’s your thing or not.

This isn’t exactly a franchise I can go deep into with its themes and characters and stuff.  Because, well, do you really think that’s even possible after all the shit you’ve just seen?  It’s just something with events/lines/images that you can point and laugh at, so the best I can do is just show some highlights.

Plus it’s somewhat inspiring to see that something like this can be made with Garry’s Mod, and makes one wonder of the potential for other mods for games.





Ok, so on a serious note for a moment, there’s a reason I haven’t been reviewing new theatrical releases lately.  For one, the films largely don’t interest me all that much.

“But they interest us goddamnit!  We want to hear your opinions!  Review them!” you may shout at me, to which I’ll reply, “Then donate to me on Paypal or Patreon goddamnit!”

For another, and this is the big one, is this whole Weinstein scandal.  The scandal is bad enough, but what finally sent me over the edge is Corey Feldmen’s video and his plea for funds not just for a budget to make his own biography film, but also for his protection and funds for his legal battles.

This got to me.  So I’ve put forth some funds for him.  If you guys/gals want to do the same, go for it.  If not, fine, I’m not holding anything against you.  Just thought you should be aware.

It’s just seeing how much Hollywood is cracking down on (former) child actors and silencing others and doing all this despicable shit, it makes me less willing than ever to put forth money to watch their stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to be reviewing films, but it’s more likely going to be films that aren’t “New Releases.”  I’ll still likely wind up reviewing some film where some actor/actress was exploited, but avoiding it isn’t exactly going to change what’s already been done.

I’m probably not being entirely rational about this, but it’s currently the only thing I can think of right now as an appropriate reaction to all this.  It’s infuriating, because I love film.  I love entertainment.  And I hate being deprived of it about as much as I hate seeing others suffer for it.  To go further into the irrational side of things, my next review is going to be on a very controversial film that you’ve probably never heard of that you’ll likely only be able to see on a porn site.  Gives me an excuse to bring this up again while the IndieGoGo campaign is still going.



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