Hearthstone Review

Rated: 1/5

I would talk about Star Wars: Rogue One after watching it, but I want to collect my thoughts and not give a review that is based on pure emotion.  So instead I’m going to talk about Hearthstone, using pure emotion.

This game is evil!  Pure fucking evil!  You know how people say Candy Crush is evil because it consumes your wallet with it’s sugar rush addiction?  Hearthstone is like that, except it doesn’t consume your wallet (well, it could, but I resisted the urge, and patience is rewarding in that game), it consumes your soul.

“Just one more game.  Ok, one more.  Oooohh, one more.  One more time.  What time is it?  Of shit!  I’m going to get fired, and sent to hell, and lose my wife and kids!”

That’s what this game will do to you.  It’s what collectable card games in general do to the masses.  They’re investing, constructing your deck machine to either demolish your enemies, or fall apart beneath their superior build.  Or maybe fate hates you and you get some shitty card draws.

You try so hard to get better than a rank of 20, or even 19, and continually fail Fail FAIL


So you go back to reconstructing your deck, sometimes from scratch, sometimes by tweaking. And it’s never enough because unless you play like an addict, you won’t ever have enough good legendary cards to match your rivals. But then there’s the solo plays which are nice, until you realize you have to either spend money, or in-game coins to purchase them, which honestly isn’t that bad, you usually get enough coins after 7 days of playing, especially since “Quests” open up each day that make it easier to gain coins faster. Plus the game is free. Blizzard is so fucking nice about how this game is that it’s impossible to get mad at them, until you realize they’re sucking your soul dry.

But I digress. You construct a deck of 30 cards (no more, no less), have no more than 2 copies of each card in your deck (except for Legendary cards, of which you can only have 1 copy of), and a character do build the deck around. Each character has a set of unique cards and a unique ability, which is usually built alongside standard cards which every character has access to. As far as character abilities go, I prefer the Hunter for his 2 attack power, and the Rogue for her devious weapons combos and backstabbery. Pretty sure there’s buttfuckery involved in the game too, like the first time your opponent rapes your precious deck.

Don’t play this game. Isn’t the rating I gave above enough of a hint. But, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, goddamnit! It’s calling me back! No! No! Yes! Yes! I’ve gotta play this again before I kill someone! Muahahahah! Ignore the above rating, here’s where the entertainment level truly lies:

Actual rating: 4/5

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