Rated: 1.5 / 5
“It’s one of the best Batman films yet,” they said. “Exceeds all expectations,” they said. “Finally, a live-action Batman movie that utilizes actual detective-work,” they said. “What a load of shit,” I say.
This movie is everything I thought it was going to be. Woke as fuck, propagates white-guilt, nowhere near as intelligent as it thinks it is, and bringing back the emo factor. Just as I was getting my hopes up with Top Gun: Maverick, I’m reminded why I shouldn’t get them up THAT high and listen to my instincts (just like with Dune 2021). And on top of all that, it’s too fucking long. Nearly 3 hours.
Let’s start with that, shall we? 3 hours. And not just nearly 3 hours, but also a deliberately slow-paced film that ensures we spend plenty of time in each scene. Now, while I admired this for a time, given that many films these days tend to be made for those with short attention spans (like virtually every Marvel film made since Iron Man), it eventually becomes a bore. Not just because it dwells on many sequences for far too long, but also because this movie is nowhere near as smart as it thinks it is. Not to mention this film, passing itself off as a noir thriller, even has the gall to include red herrings in the plot like those Italian slasher/mystery flicks of the 70s and 80s (like Deep Red; it’s in the title), which only serves to bloat the length even further unnecessarily (though I guess it’s needed for the sake of having an action scene to wake people up from their slumber after they fell asleep while watching this).
And then there’s the Riddler character. This guy, by all accounts, should be a loser. A beta geek. Someone who may know what should be done, but shouldn’t have the strength to be capable of doing it. This is evident with the first kill he makes, which he shouldn’t even be capable of making. It’s done very clumsily (this is deliberate, as shown by the direction), to showcase that this wheezy little fuck isn’t great at killing (likely not even experienced). And yet the first person we see him kill so easily/clumsily is a corrupt white politician who is running for re-election as mayor (against a black chick who is perfect in every way, morally righteous, incorruptible; I did say this was woke as fuck), at his own place. I mean, where the fuck is the security? In a city notorious for its crime no less? And it doesn’t end there, not by a longshot. Mr. Gimp Wheezy, passing himself off as a criminal mastermind, also kidnaps/murders several other people, has the time to setup these elaborate traps and puzzles, and plant bombs at major sections of the entire city. I mean, come on, really? I know Gotham is a criminal-ridden town like most cities/counties are that are run by extreme left-wing Democrats (making it all the more pathetic that the film is pushing some liberal black bitch to be the saint who will turn things around like Obama did), but you’d think some security guard out there somewhere would catch the gimp in the act.
The point where the film makes this Gimp character someone unable for me to take seriously is when he starts singing Ave Maria in the prison cell. Did someone actually think they were making quality entertainment with that shit?
What ultimately killed this movie for me though wasn’t the bashing of Bruce Wayne’s father, attempted to show him as a flawed individual, ruin his legacy, and thus dredge up shame and guilt upon Bruce Wayne for his father’s sins. In other words, white guilt, for a rich white family, via a father who (sort of) had the mob do something bad for him, which resulted in travesty. The way the film played it, it could’ve been a lot worse. In the end, with that little backstory, it just shows Mr. Wayne as a man who had flaws, but was ultimately good and well-intentioned. If nothing else, I’d say this unintentionally becomes one of the film’s good moments. Because it inadvertently puts forth the message that you shouldn’t take all the media propaganda that slanders famous figures of the past to heart, as media today is prone to do towards America’s founding fathers, various Civil War figures, and Christopher Columbus (among others). Because in the end, they are just human beings who may have done questionable things, even bad things; but that gets highlighted far more than the good things that made them famous in the first place, which shouldn’t be forgotten. I’d give the film kudos for that, except I’m currently convinced this was accidental.
What killed the movie for me, rather, was another way it attacked whites. There was the typical shit in the beginning where it had a gang in skull/clown makeup composed of white guys, save for this one non-white gangster who sees the error of his ways and leaves before he does anything bad, let alone get beaten up by emo-Batman. But that’s the softball stuff. Hardball is when the plot twist comes up, where Mr. Gimp is shown to have inspired a bunch of white supremacist anarchists online (in some darkweb chat group or something) to assist him in his acts of terror during the final act of the film. Managing to insert some anti-gun propaganda in there while it’s at it too. And making them about as wimpy as Mr. Gimp (similar outfits too, for some reason). In other words, a theme promoting the concept of shutting down various websites/forums of (white) people who think differently and have grievances against politicians in corrupt cities/states/countries. Mine as well as come out and say sites like Gab and Bitchute and InfoWars should be shut down while it’s at it (not saying those sites contain people that radical planning anything like this, at least no more-so than Facebook and Twitter are). Mine as well say that web service providers that shut those other fringe websites, that had threads/forums promoting alternative/revisionist ideas/theories that may or may not have been true, were fully justified in doing so, and will be further justified down the road in doing so. This is the ultimate lesson that can be taken away from this movie that makes it a really shitty pro-modern-liberal anti-free-speech anti-white film.
Other than that, Batman’s car and bike are fucking lame. They look like something anyone with a few dozen grand could use to modify their car/motorcycle to make it look just as good (likely better). These do not look like Batmobiles. I refuse to call them that. In fact, I dare say this doesn’t even feel like a Batman movie. It tries to be more on the gritty and realistic side like the Christopher Nolan films, but takes out more of the fun in the process. Say what you will about the Schumacher films, at least those feel like Batman movies; they’re stupid Batman movies, but they’re Batman movies none-the-less that have a comic-feel to them.
What else? Oh right. And this movie comes up with every excuse possible for Batman to be partnered up with Commissioner Gordon (who got the Anne Boleyn treatment) as frequently as possible. Even when it shouldn’t be fucking possible. Here’s the best/worst example of this. So Batman is arrested for some crime he didn’t commit, assaults officers while he’s arrested, then Gordon helps him escape from the precinct (in a manner that should’ve left Batman crippled after he crash lands from flying), and then a few scenes later they are both back together at some other location solving a crime. Even when it’s public knowledge that Gordon and Batman are best buddies, even when Gordon should be on thin ice (at the very least), even when the cops should be doing a manhunt for Batman. Am I the only one who sees how stupid this is?
The only thing this film has going for it is some decent choreography, and some decent atmosphere in some sequences. The latter of which I’m probably favoring a little too much just because of how starved the mainstream film industry is for anything like that. Because other than all that, fuck this movie.
PS: And no, Robert Pattinson is not a good fit for Batman. I am convinced he has talent as an actor, but this film isn’t capable of demonstrating that skill (Cosmopolis does, even if that film is just as boring as this one, as does Tenet and The Lighthouse).
PPS: And while there is actual detective work being done here, it all amounts to something stupid. And the one thing a mystery shouldn’t be is something stupid, the exception being where it’s all an intentional nothing-burger like it was in Burn After Reading.