Christmas, its songs, and the Greatest Christmas Movie of all Time

What is the meaning of Christmas?  It’s meaning has being altered (to put it lightly) over the centuries.  Initially, it meant the day Christ was born (even though it’s highly likely he wasn’t born on December 25).  The significance being to celebrate the birth of a man who would go on to make the world a better place on a spiritual level.  To sacrifice himself to make mankind capable of having their souls saved from sin if they only repent and pledge themselves to doing good.  An ultimate sacrifice.  Giving his life (and in some regards, his soul) to save everyone.  The birth signifies a gift to the world, because that gift would go on to save the world.  To give of oneself selflessly, for nothing other than the love of your fellow man (or woman).  A moment so selfless, there were even three wise men to give some (I would assume) expensive gifts to the mother and father of the child.  Gifts I assume Mary and Joseph either used until they were empty, or they sold them on the market so they could go on to make a life for themselves (that’s a portion of the story I haven’t seen adapted to the screen or to any storybook; lift that mystery for us somebody).  A prelude to self-sacrifice for the love of others.

Over the years, it became a more corporate moneymaking scheme.  “A time to be selfless and give something to others?  Well then by God, we’ll get them to buy something from us so that they will have something they can give away selflessly!  More money for us!  What, you expect us to give something away selflessly?  Fuck you and your Christmas bonus!”

Not to mention some of the songs and stories that have come about.  Sure there’s, “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.”  Or “Joy To The World!”  Or the infamous, “Silent Night,” which turned into a cult slasher series.  Those all pertain to the original meaning of Christmas (at least referencing the birth of Christ to some extent).  But then there are those like “Santa Clause is Coming to Town,” which if you listen to the lyrics is all about being good otherwise you won’t get any tangible material goods (aside from a piece of coal).  Or, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” which (like most of the famous Christmas tunes) was written by Jews, which used the character Rudolph as an allegory for themselves (hence those references to the nose).  Among others that make no reference to Christ or the true original meaning of Christmas.  Taking the Christian religion out of the spirit of the holiday, and contributing more to the consumerist/kosher mindset.

At the very least, they all have a message of being merry and happy.  After all, whether we’re dealing with the original message, or the newer message, they all convey that this is to be a day of happiness for all, for one reason or another.  Regardless, it’s becoming the norm now to take the “Christ” out of “Christmas,” and turning it into just a simple holiday (as opposed to holy-day).  Hence why it’s the norm now to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”  The culture, whether influenced by corporations/bankers or not, has altered how Christmas is to be portrayed, what it’s meaning is.

Well, that’s fine by me.  Because that means it’s not as sacred as it once was, which means I can alter it to how I want it celebrated as well.  And nothing says Christmas like killing the shit out of terrorists.

 




 

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Rated: 4 / 5

 




 

Oh wait.  You thought I meant Die Hard?  Oh no.  I mean the other Christmas movie that’s better than this one.

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“What!?  A Christmas movie better than Die Hard!?  That’s blasphemy!”

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Actually, this is a bit closer to blasphemy.

So is ruining the true meaning of Christmas, but we’ve already gone down that rabbit hole.  Mine as well as go all in.  Because nothing says Christmas like Chuck Norris killing illegal immigrant militants who want to deliver a double whammy of ruining both Christmas and America for working class Americans.

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Don’t worry, he’ll go on to play the villain in that other Chuck Norris flick Delta Force 2.

 




 

Rated: 4.5 / 5

If you come back in, I’ll hit you with so many rights you’ll be begging for a left.

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To take advantage of the aura of Cuban terrorism that was around in the U.S. during the late 70s, through the 80s, Cannon released the one film that managed to dethrone Gone with the Wind in VHS sales.  Back in the day when we knew that illegals were dangerous, as opposed to now where they gotta be sympathized with.  ‘Cause, you know, they’re all good people who are better than us.  Chuck Norris calls bullshit on that.  But before he did, Richard Lynch did.

Invasion Usa GIF
Die you fucking drug smugglers!

So this would be my kind of villain, if not for two flaws.  One, he hates America, and wants to see it changed for the worse (like what pro-illegal immigrant politicians want, except they try to be more subtle about it).  Two, he has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

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When wives tell their husbands they think of Chuck Norris when they’re having sex, the husbands don’t mind, because they do too.

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Anyway, the main villain went crazy from all his Chuck Norris wet nightmares and decides he wants to destroy both Chuck Norris and the USA.  First target, Chuck Norris, who spends his time wrestling gators in the swamps (seriously, you really see him do this; ’cause he’s a man’s man) and hangs with an animal sidekick that doesn’t get anywhere near its fair share of screentime in both this film and in any other film in existence.  An armadillo.  Seriously, why the fuck aren’t there more armadillo pet sidekicks in movies?  And why the fuck does this one only show up for like two minutes, and only during the first 30 minutes of the movie?

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Armadillo: “I taught Chuck everything he knows.”

You may be wondering at this point why this is considered a Christmas movie (by me anyway).  Well, for starters, before the first act is over, you hear the song Jingle Bells playing in an outdoor restaurant while the villains are plotting their invasion (they’re going to be jingling some bells this holiday season).  But once they start blowing up neighborhood homes (while “Hark! The Herald Angel Sings” plays in the background), which are decorated for Christmas, that’s when you know for sure this is a Christmas film.  I mean, if The Nightmare Before Christmas can open with a song celebrating Halloween and be considered a Christmas classic, I think this can get away with killing illegals and non-illegals and blowing up homes during the first half.  Not that this distinguishes itself much from the second half, but it still counts!

America has not been invaded by a foreign enemy in nearly 200 years.  Look at them Nikko.  Soft… spineless decadents.  They don’t even understand the nature of their own freedom; or how we could use it against them.  They are their own worst enemy.  But they don’t know it.

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This may seem like a touchy subject so far.  Illegals invading with weapons and blowing up American neighborhoods.  Oh, it gets better.  To stir up more chaos, the illegals get police uniforms and impersonate cops, and start shooting up civilians while in uniform, which turns the civilians against law enforcement.

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At some point, you gotta ask.  What’s the ultimate goal here?  Why stir up all this chaos and make the public mistrust law enforcement, and be paranoid of constant terrorist attacks (which, for some reason, as far-fetched as this is, the FBI and CIA and Marshals and other government affiliates don’t seem capable of dealing with), and take to arming themselves and taking to the streets?

Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

With the former points, I suppose one could theorize the villain wants to see America suffer as payback for how he was treated by them in the past, as one of their previous agents who went rogue or something.  Or he defected to Communism, and wants to sow discord in the country, making it ripe pickings for a foreign invasion by a foreign country.  The film skimps on plot and explanations.  But it’s got a bunch of shooting and explosions to make up for it.  You know, like a Michael Bay flick.

With the latter point, this is talked about, but never shown.  It’s like they couldn’t afford the time and budget to show an organized civilian militia taking to the streets because they spent it all on having tanks rolling out onto said streets.  Such a pity, but the film is still full of so much awesomeness in spite of that, it hardly matters.

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They’re turning people against each other.  And even worse, against authority.  And our people don’t just take it when they’re threatened.  They stand up and fight back.  So every incident like this breeds ten more exactly like it.

In any case, the people go to church during curfew to pray for the Lord to deliver them a savior.  In 0 AD, the Lord delivered them Jesus.  In 1985 AD, He delivered them Chuck Norris.

And Chuck Norris, being the ultimate embodiment of a Gary Stu (even more-so than Superman), he shows up everywhere there’s an incident going on at just the right time, and takes out the terrorists in badass fashion.  He doesn’t need any cover in a gunfight.  Doesn’t need to refill his 4-wheel drive.  Chuck Norris can hear sign language, so hearing where criminals are at is no problem.  If a bomb is set to go off at a certain point in time, Chuck will always know when to get there before it goes off, because he doesn’t need a watch (he decides what time it is).  Chuck Norris doesn’t flush toilets, he scares the shit out of them.  If the Boogeyman checks under his bed and in the closet each night for Chuck Norris, the terrorists should too.  If this all doesn’t seem plausible, that’s because Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

“Fuck you and your Chuck Norris jokes!”

It’s at this point I should address the whole Gary Stu thing.  Chuck Norris is untouchable in this flick.  Never in any real sense of danger, taking out commies armed with AK’s and grenade launchers and bazookas like they’re choir boys.  And I didn’t mind this one bit.  But why?  Why don’t I mind this when I hate Gary Sues and Mary Sues in virtually every other movie in existence (especially in the Disney Star Wars trilogy)?  It took me some time to think about it, and then I realized what it was.  Self-awareness.  This Chuck Norris film knows that Norris is an untouchable God, everyone in the film knows it, and Chuck knows it.  Everyone is fucking terrified of him, and knows of his reputation.  And he carries himself with this attitude of, “Yeah, you should be afraid of me.”  This film doesn’t try to bullshit you by portraying him as some kind of underdog even though everyone can tell he’s at the top of the “kicking ass and taking names” food chain.  In addition, the real life actor himself is self-aware of this, and doesn’t mind the Chuck Norris jokes being thrown at him.  He’s humble about the whole thing.  This dumb ridiculous cheesy nonsensical ludicrous over-the-top film has the decency to not treat their audience like morons in that regard.

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That being said, despite all the “Chuck Norris is God” jokes, there is a moment showcasing that Chuck truly can’t be everywhere at once.  A moment where he fails to arrive on time.  That even though he’s stopping and killing a bunch of terrorists, there’s only so much he can do to prevent attacks from those the size of an army that are spread out all across the nation.  He can’t be expected to teleport to every state and take them all out one at a time.  That’s too difficult.  So how does he save America?  Be convincing the terrorists to come to him, so that they’ll all be gathered in one spot at one building.  If you’re to take down Chuck, you’ll need an army.  Sure enough, that’s what the main villain decides to do.  And in all fairness, he’s not wrong in thinking this isn’t an extreme measure at all when it comes to taking down the Chuck.  But he is wrong in thinking he could succeed.

I have to admit, it is badass that Norris did some of the truck stuntwork himself during the mall sequence, plus the gator wrestling.  But the ultimate stunt props has to go to the cop guy who took this explosion moment like a man:

Seriously, someone give this mad lad a medal.

And this is a damn fun popcorn beer & pretzels flick.  From the politically incorrect 80s era of macho madness when manly men show you how things are done.  When a film like this could dethrone Gone with the Wind.  Probably why there’s been a severe feminist backlash in the film industry as of late, as payback for this historic moment the film delivered on.

Chuck Norris GIF by Cheezburger

Seems Legit Chuck Norris GIF by Cheezburger

Despite how ludicrous this gets, it has some themes that are quite relevant.  The whole thing about militants coming in to the country illegally to sow chaos and discord, put the country into turmoil, risk martial law being declared, impersonating law enforcement and turning the public against authority (though if authority figures are as bad at their jobs as those in this film, I wouldn’t blame them), and changing the country forever, for the worse.  And what better time to do this than during Christmas time, when we are at our most vulnerable?  Utilizing our own religion and sympathies against us.  Attempting to force the government’s at violating the constitution to get things back under control (though this aspect is said off-hand and not really addressed directly).  Except this sort of thing is done with more subtlety and care in reality as opposed to the blunt force trauma method of this movie.  And who would’ve thought back then these types of militants wouldn’t just be welcomed in with open arms, but have laws created exclusively for their protection at the expense of the actual citizens the laws should protect?

Where’s the Matt Hunter we need so badly in real life for something like this?  Where’s the militia that needs formed via the 2nd amendment?  Where’s the citizens who, “don’t just take it when they’re threatened,” that this film believes existed?  Well, for those of us not strong or intelligent together to fend for ourselves (or establish a strong community that’s capable of protecting themselves), we can only pray for a savior.  Who knows, maybe some Christmas, we’ll get another savior for such an occasion.  Until then, let’s appreciate what we do have.  Appreciate that we have each other.  Appreciate that we can give our love to one another, and be there for one another.  And above all else, appreciate that this film exists.

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PS: Merry Christmas

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