So after that little diatribe from my last post, I’ve decided to do a 180 by covering films at the opposite end of the spectrum. This will not be a post done in a mature style, demanding that you take this completely seriously. This will not be a post about admiring the beauty of the anatomy of a young girl without sexualizing her. There’s a time and place for that, and this isn’t it (that was last time). We’re breaking out of the Ice Palace now and into the steamy hot Fire Castle… or whatever equivalent (some Protestant or equivalent will likely equate it to being near the fires of hell considering the topic of this one). Any of you fellow readers who were looking for any excuse to come at me for the last post but couldn’t do it because you recognized my position was rock-solid, here’s your chance to wail on me for this one.
Because now I’m going to talk about a few films that have a strong pedophilia aspect to them. We’re not talking about a guy who ogles over the body of a young girl and makes attempts at having sex with her. We’re talking about films where they actually do have sex with each other. Films that are intended to have an erotic aspect to them with this content. And films that show the nudity along with the act.
That being said, these will not be your ordinary pedophile films (for lack of a better word). These types of films tend to have a sad ending, or one with the whole, “doomed relationship” aspect that is in 99% of films of this genre (taboo relationship of older man with younger girl). Those are 11 cents a dozen, and any film you find on television will end like that… aside from Dirty Dancing.
In any case, I’ll not settle for that bullshit on my website where I want something different from what’s considered normal. All these films not only have some guy, who is definitely above age 18, in a romantic and sexual relationship with a girl under that age (where the film doesn’t leave it to the imagination that they fuck), but they’ll also have a happy ending. And by happy ending, I mean they both wind up together in (what could be considered) a happily ever after. If films are to exist that are going to cross the line into forbidden relationship territory, the least they could do is go all the way with it every once in a while.
So let’s take a walk on the wild side.
Bambina, aka Le Farò da Padre (1974, Italy)
Rated: 3.5 / 5
Actress: Teresa Ann Savoy
Age: 18
Yes, the same actress who played Caligula’s sister. And while she is 18 years old at the time of making this film, her character is supposed to be 16. That said, while she may be the oldest of the girls from the selection of flicks here, this still has the most fucked up scenario out of all of them. Easily. Because she is literally retarded. As in she acts like a 2-3 year-old because she’s mentally incapable of maturing past that. So our protagonist, in an attempt to get a better deal out of marrying her (he initially does it to inherit family lands for business ventures, to an extent that’s a bit complicated to explain), decides to have a false-kidnapping scheme where she gets taken away, and the kidnappers will claim to have abused and raped her, so that our protagonist will now have leverage for getting more out of marrying her (out of false pity) because she is no longer a virgin. But this is all perfectly ok, because this film is classified as a comedy.
…
And since the film is self-aware of that premise, the first lines uttered in it are: “A bunch of idiots, that’s what you are!”
I mean… this really has to be one of the most fucked up films I’ve ever seen in my life (and I’ve seen A Serbian Film). This is a premise more out there than taking advantage of a girl with Asperger’s or something. Except that this little retarded chick wants to get fucked… that’s how she is able to sleep at night… by getting her clit stimulated. I’m not kidding.
“I envy you, I swear. You have discovered the feminine ideal. A pure object dear Silvio. […] All the benefits and no hassles. She screws and doesn’t talk. She doesn’t think and doesn’t bitch. The perfect sex slave!”
Where the hell has this movie been all my life? This is the kind of film I crave. Where it’s so fucked up that I just have to laugh at how outrageous it is. This website was made for stuff like this!
It’s not like she actually gets raped by her false-kidnappers or anything, otherwise the genre would change (at least I would hope so, because my dark sense of humor only goes so far). This film keeps (what you would call) the romance and sexual acts between the protagonist businessman (Saverio) and the retarded girl (Clotilde). A movie made as pure fantasy-fulfilment. Because don’t guys want a girl like this? A girl who always wants to be sexually stimulated, who whines like a baby otherwise, but isn’t capable of getting into an argument with you? I’m not sure what the child-rearing would be like (it’s heavily indicated the retardation came down the family line here and there, with the grandmother being the example, even if she has some more awareness).
As for the rhythm this film has, it’s a bit like Blue Lagoon, or Last Tango in Paris. In that a couple makes an optimal paradise for themselves that they don’t want to leave, but exterior forces (or just plain responsibilities) eventually forces this paradise to be vanquished and brings them back to the real world with all its consequences. In this case the paradise being the room Clotilde is “kept as a captive” in, where her and Saverio have their funs and flings together for several days. I have to admit, I was getting a bit impatient and irritated at this after a while. I mean, doesn’t Saverio want to get through the charade so he can marry her proper and live his life with her proper? I guess the situation is that he prefers is not to be completely real, which is rather stupid of him.
But anyway, it all works out in the end… mostly. Saverio chooses love over business, but I imagine in the long run he’ll inherit everything. And Clotilde’s mother, intelligent devil she is when it comes to business, will probably teach him a thing or two about running things. But here’s the best part. Unlike Hollywood flicks, which always demand every secret be found out and consequences be faced, Saverio’s part in the kidnapping is never discovered.
This film is a big time guilty pleasure for me. Might be my favorite romance film of all time. Some taste I’ve got in that genre.
PS: Bambina is Italian for “girl.”
The Girl Next Door, aka A Menina do Lado (1987, Brazil)
Rated: 3 / 5
Actress: Flávia Monteiro
Age: 14
“Are You telling me you’re fucking a 14 year old girl?”
“No, I’m in love with a 14 year old girl.”
Bullshit. You’re fucking a 14 year old you’re in love with.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t 14 a little young to be having sex scenes? Personally, I’m more concerned with 14 being too young for smoking, which she does frequently.
Anyway, this movie, considering what it is and what it does, isn’t something I would consider solid. The issue is that it tries to be solid, which is admirable, but it still falls short. It’s not content to just settle for a middle-aged man getting it on with a teenager (and it being mutual), it also wants to stretch out a bit and address what could make the relationship work and not work. How this guy has a job and needs to work, but she’s not an adult and still wants to go out and play and do teenage stuff; and both of those aspects tend to clash with one another. This is the right direction to go for something like this, but it doesn’t go far enough with it. It’s very shallow, only really discussed in one, maybe two scenes tops, then that’s it. Plus there’s also the whole element of her needing to go back to school (she’s on spring break, or something), which also clashes with the relationship working out.
“All women have something the others don’t don’t they? That’s the problem.”
And… the one thing I really didn’t like about this… aside from the landlord… is that the guy is married. Granted, I’m not getting the impression that this guy and his wife are as close as they used to be. It’s like they’re sort of separated, but not really, and there’s no hard feelings or grudges between them. Like it’s just something they both know is necessary with the jobs they have… and having already given birth to and raised kids who are grown up now, are pretty casual about the relationship they have. Like they’re perfectly fine spending long periods of time away from each other before seeing the other again. Which does seem to offer contrast with Alice (the 14 year old girl) and her constant want of attention and needing to do something. Like relationships are bound to change overtime, and the people in them will eventually have to change as well in order to keep the relationship going.
“Well, I know that a 14 year old girl nowadays is different from a 14 year old girl from our time.”
Again, this film does more than I thought it would, giving it depth that warrants the viewer to take it more seriously than one would expect. But it’s not deep enough to work in that way. So it ends up being a film that has too much ambition and didn’t fully deliver. It’s still a decent romance flick to watch. But it needed to be more to be satisfying.
PS: There’s no longer any evidence that this film or the one above used to be sold on Amazon.com. At least the film below has that much going for it.
Sara (1997, Poland)
Rated: 4 / 5*
* = it’s really more like 3.5 stars; see below
Actress: Agnieszka Wlodarczyk
Age: 15
Here’s something more mainstream and approachable compared to the previous two. Well… mainstream from Poland anyway, as this goes too far for anything America is willing to show. But who am I kidding? That applies to all the films I’m covering here.
This film goes the opposite direction of hiding that it takes direct inspiration from another film; that being Leon, aka The Professional (which came out 3 years earlier). It blatantly admits it. It shows the poster for that film on more than one occasion. Is it as good as Leon? No… but it is entertaining. And the main protagonist isn’t a hitman, but ex-special forces (or whatever the Polish equivalent of that is) who has been in a drunken downward spiral ever since this incident where one of his, uh, roughly 5 year old daughter got his gun, played with it, and fired it in front of her sister (his other daughter). Hell of a way to indicate why this guy is living a life of drunken depression and nihilistic anguish.
So what better way to kick him out of his downward spiral than becoming a bodyguard for a mob boss’ daughter after saving the guy’s life (out of instinct)? Since the mob boss owes him one, he forces him to get sober, and states that his internals are so messed up from all the drinking that he’s been doing that if he drinks again, he may just die. As in the alcohol would kill him, not the mafia. They’ll do that if he fucks the boss’ daughter.
And that’s what separates this film from Leon, aside from quality in dialogue, pacing, and budget… and a different plot. Honestly, the only thing they have in common is a professional guarding a girl from bad guys, and both of them bonding in a way. Anyway, what separates this film from Leon is, unlike Leon, the professional goes all the way with the girl. Multiple times. And when it comes to the sex scenes, it’s more tame than the prior two films. The worst it gets is him groping her bare breasts from behind, and that’s it. Every other scene just shows them lying around naked after they had already done it (well, she gets naked; I don’t recall the pro ever showing any schlong or ass).
As for the action scenes, when they’re there (there aren’t very many, mostly at the beginning and last act), they’re not bad. Some have compared them to a John Woo flick in terms if environmental damage being done by the bullets in addition to the squibs, but this is not in the same league as an 80s to early 90s John Woo shoot-em-up. I’m not even sure I can say it’s in the same league as Leon. That said, it gets the job done. They’re tense when they happen, and there’s a decent enough budget to make them look good, with a good amount of environmental damage here and there. Nothing spectacular, but far from weak.
And also unlike Leon, there’s a happy ending to be had here. And it goes all-out with it to the point that I just had to boost the rating an extra half point. Naturally the mob boss finds out the professional has been screwing his daughter, so he tries to have him killed. Especially after he finds out the pro got her pregnant. So not only does the pro come back and shoot up the place and rescue the daughter, he also rescues her from a doctor who was trying to give her an abortion (upon her father’s orders). And so they run off with a bunch of her father’s cash, with a baby on the way, to have their happily ever after. Now how often does a film come along that has that ending? How often does it happen where it’s with a guy and an underage girl? They not only fuck, but are willing to start a family together. If that ending doesn’t make this one of the greatest things ever, I don’t know what else would.
Granted, this film does have a weak point. It meanders a respectable amount during the middle 20-30 minutes. The dialogue and activities between the two lovers leaves something to be desired. As in it’s not high enough quality to pad the film out that much, but the film focuses so heavily on them together during the middle act. It’s not weak or anything, it’s just not all that strong either. There’s fun to be had here and there, just not enough quality moments to make it consistently good. It could use a different lead actor who can carry himself better during the action sequences.
That being said, this does have one of the best moments of dialogue ever, in that it’s one of the most hilarious. The two are eating at a Chinese restaurant, share an awkward conversation full of hesitations and pauses, and then the pro notes this old Chinese couple staring at them. And he says to them, “Fuck your yellow mother!” I was chuckling over that one for the next couple hours.
All in all, it does enough to be solid B-movie entertainment. I enjoy it more than I should just because nowhere near enough films have as gratifying of an ending as this one does, in this sort of genre with this type of plot. It almost always ends with one or both of these characters killed; and even if they both lived, they usually either go their separate ways or move along with no indication of starting a family. This subverts that trope, so God bless Poland for making this film.
PS: The other best part about this movie is that, when he takes her shopping, he doesn’t carry any of the stuff she buys. And he has a very good reason. He’s her bodyguard, he needs to keep his hands free in case he needs to pull his gun out, shove her out of the way, or fight someone. So she’s forced not to buy too much lest she becomes overburdened carrying her own shit. You drop it because you’re carrying too much, you pick it up. Men should force this trend onto women.
The Anomalous Host 