This is how far I’ve lowered the bar. From anime, to ecchi, to hentai. But I’m not lowering it so far that I’m willing to excuse shitty animation. Anyone whose walked along the dark perverse trail of Japanese animation and have witnessed the abomination of a studio called Queen Bee knows what I’m talking about. The animation quality needs to at the very least be decent. To raise the stakes, it needs to be made no earlier than the 1980s (70s animation, for the most part, sucks, in anime). Animation quality aside, it doesn’t seem to matter where the hell I go, whether it’s good taste or bad taste, high art or low art, adult or loli, it’s the same bullshit everywhere. I have yet to find an anime (for all intents and purposes, ecchi and hentai will be considered anime for the duration of this post) that has a satisfactory romance story.
What is a romance that’s satisfactory? Well that’s easy. Man/boy falls in love with a woman/girl (or vice versa), they confess their love, fuck, have children, and thus begin a family. You know, a happy ending, with a wholesome pro-family-starting message. Name me one, just one, motherfucking anime series where this happens for the main protagonist. If you can, then let’s raise the stakes. Name me one that is good. If you can still manage that, here’s another goal post mover: on that has a male protagonist. And one last one, I promise: both the male and female love interests live long enough to raise the children together. I’ll not have any of that Terminator shit with Kyle dying soon after impregnating Sarah; I want the mother and father to stick around! The fact that these are a rarity to the point that it’s a fucking unicorn that doesn’t officially exist makes me realize why the world is having a fertility problem, let alone Japan. And you know what? I’ll even be lenient and allow for harems to qualify so long as they meet the above criteria.
Oh, and most important of all, and I cannot stress this enough: NO INCEST!
What is an anime that’s good? Well since we’re talking romance genre, how about one where the male love interest isn’t a wimp or a dumbass, incapable of acting like a man? How about one where the female love interest isn’t a conceited know-it-all bitch, who is better at kicking ass than the male love interest?
“But this tragic love story showing them breaking apart, or the futility of physical love without the emotional love, is so poetic and cathartic. This tale of them coming together, marrying, and then one of them dying is so heartbreakingly beautiful. This tale of them breaking apart and being flawed is a breath of fresh air because it’s more true to how humans and relationships are in real life.”
Fuck you! You can take your high art tragedy and shove it up your pretentious ass! I don’t care how good those shows are. In fact, I won’t even argue that they are good. That’s not the point. I want one that’s good that comes from the opposite end of the spectrum. Is that too much to ask?
Oh, right, and another thing. No shows/films with AI girlfriends. I’ll not have sexbots being promoted here, I want girls that are all natural and biological and came from an actual mother and father via traditional birth, thank you very much.
Here’s the trend that I’ve found in most anime. Maybe it ends sad or happy after the act, maybe they decide to stick together or break apart. But either best case scenario is that the protagonist winds up with the girl he loves. And if we’re really lucky, they’ll kiss each other on the lips. At least with hentai we tend to get the latter. But nothing happens beyond that, not even an epilogue with kids. I’m sure there are exceptions, and I’d love to see them, but whatever exceptions there are tend to be dogshit. And I’m fed up with it.
I want to vent about some romance anime that I have seen. The ones that are the closest I’ve seen to giving me what I want, but fall short (except one).
Words Worth (hentai)
Ah yes, the one fantasy hentai that has a good story to it. Some message of uniting the light with the dark, and some gods/creators wanting this for their imperfect creations (akin to the message of The Dark Crystal). And I know, I know, the implications of race-mixing; but I’m willing to go along with that in this anime; at least they’re generally fair-skinned. In fact, the protagonist fucks some lady he doesn’t really care for, gets her pregnant, she has a daughter, and then he warps 15+ years into the future and fucks the daughter.
You know, incest.
…
I’m not gonna lie, hentai makes that work. But it also makes this ova fall below the standards I’m looking for here.
Anyway, he also fucks some cat girl and gets a daughter out of her to. So why doesn’t this quite qualify for the happy ending I’m looking for? Because the one girl who is supposed to be his main love interest, who he does end up fucking by the last episode, is the one girl we don’t see him having a daughter with. And it’s not like we ever see this asshole raising his daughters with the mothers.
I know this is picky, but considering I’m interested in something promoting some semblance of wholesome family-making here, and am irritated at the lack of it and thinking this is some psychological experiment to decimate the population of anime-viewers out there, and that there’s a global trend going on that gives credence to my concerns, we all should be that picky. Unless you’re a faggot or a tranny or a lesbian, in which case you can all rot, you deformed anti-family sacks of shit.
Taisho Era Contract Marriage: The Substitute Bride and a Soldier’s Fierce Love (hentai)
Man isn’t a wimp or a dumbass?
Check!
Woman isn’t a conceited bitch?
Check!
They wind up together and get married?
Check!
They have children?
No, and fuck you for asking that!
Well fuck you too!
Dance in the Vampire Bund, Fullmetal Alchemist, Fruits Basket (anime)
This is just repetition at this point. The male protagonist winds up with the female love interest, but no kids that we can see. It’s just speculation. And this is about as high of a bar as you can get with anime/hentai in general. They usually fall short of it. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you’re lucky if you witness a kiss on the lips on these shows.
Mei King (hentai)
Guess what? This mediocre 4-episode hentai series… this is as good as it gets folks. Mediocre because this was obviously done on a budget. They re-use animations and shots where they can, the sex scenes are just decent at best, the plot had the potential to be better but it ends up just being so-so in execution. By all accounts, it’s a service-able piece of animation, but it’s nothing outstanding. The male protagonist isn’t a wimp, but he’s also not as independently capable as I would’ve liked to see. One who tries to be a ruler, but doesn’t seem capable of pulling it off when the significant decisions come without getting assistance from some fairy-like thing (the one girl he doesn’t fuck in this show). His major power is seducing the women who will help him out later (by being nice and sympathetic). He can fight, but you hardly see it.
So what makes this the best romance out of all of these? Because he winds up with the “main blonde girl” at the end, fucks her (once at the start of the show, again at the end), and we get an epilogue showing that they have several kids.
It’s a fucking miracle! You see how easy this is!? This is all we need, the bare minimum I ask for. Just one image, something, anything, indicating the family they will have together as the years go on! This makes the chad of this show the biggest chad in the history of anime/hentai as far as I’m concerned, because no other main protagonist managed to pull this off. Aside from Rorouni Kenshin (Samurai X: Reflection), but that doesn’t count because the wife dies and that ova sucked; they could’ve stuck with the manga, but they had to go and fuck that all up.
So Mei King reigns, Kenshin can suck it, and Words Worth is 2nd place. For whatever that’s worth.
PS: If anyone reading this knows of some anime that pulls off a Mei King ending, please, fill me in on it. Because I really don’t want Mei King to be the gold standard of “romantic wholesome happy family ending.” In fact, I don’t want a hentai to be that gold standard. That should belong to some anime out there in existence.
The Anomalous Host 